The Web address of this
two-page Q&A article is
http://sfhelp.org/qa/divorce-q.htm
Links below lead to
answers
in a summery popup and/or in a new browser window, so
please close your
browser's popup blocker or accept popups from this nonprofit site. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be
a stepparent's first union.
"Co-parent" means any adult responsible for nurturing someone's
child/ren. Use the answers
here to augment, not replace, other
This is one of a
series of summary articles on vital family-related questions and answers.
It offers questions and brief answers about the U.S. divorce (and
re/divorce) epidemic
that significantly affects most adults and kids and depletes our society. Each answer includes links to more information in this
nonprofit divorce-prevention Web site and elsewhere.
To best use this article, first scan the Q&A
index
to gain an overview - specially the items on
courtship and primary relationships. Then decide
this - your
or
Then scan all the questions below, and
then follow each link of interest when you're not distracted.
Option - before or after you study these Q&A items, review
this slide presentation on divorce and
divorce recovery. If you have trouble viewing the slides, see
Pause, breathe, and reflect: why are you reading
this - what do you
Questions you should ask about
divorce and divorce recovery
1) What is a
"relationship," a "pseudo
relationship," and a "committed primary relationship"?
2)
What
needs do
typical partners hope to fill by committing to each other?
3) What
are
divorce and divorce recovery?
4)
How does courtship relate
to possible future divorce?
5)
Are there common courtship danger signs that partners and their
supporters should be aware of?
Yes.
6)
How does the pervasive [wounds + unawareness] cycle affect the
odds of
eventual divorce for typical couples and their families?
7)
Why do so many American partners eventually
divorce psychologically or legally?
8)
How
can
clergypersons and churches help courting couples guard against possible
future divorce?
9) What are
the phases of normal divorce recovery, and how long do they usually take?
10)
How does psychological or legal divorce
affect typical minor kids and
their grandparents?
11)
How can typical adults tell if an adult or child has
"recovered" from a
family divorce well enough?
12) How does
divorce affect a typical biofamily's
developmental phases?
13) Why
are stepfamily mates at special risk
of re/divorce?
14)
How can concerned relatives and friends
best support divorcing adults
and kids?
15) How can typical courting partners with
prior kids minimize the odds of eventual
re/divorce? Why and how should they
select effective pre-re/marital counseling?
16) How can troubled partners select
effective professional relationship
mediation?
17) What are traits of an effective
community or online
divorce-recovery support group?
18) What
does redivorce usually
indicate about each partner and their family?
19) How do current state and local
laws promote the U.S. divorce epidemic?
20)
How
can
concerned people help to reduce the odds of divorce in (a) their family
and (b) their community, region, or nation?
Commit to a version of
these three steps.
These
guidebooks integrate key articles and resources in this
nonprofit divorce-prevention Web
site.
The answers below
propose premises about relationships, marriage, divorce, and divorce
recovery. The premises are based on my research and clinical
experience with over 1,000 typical divorcing and re/married Midwestern-US
women and men since 1981. Use these premises to clarify what you and
important others
believe about these topics.
Q1)
What
is a
"relationship," a "pseudo relationship," and a "committed primary relationship"?
Premise - two people have "a relationship" if one or both of them
is "significantly" affected by the existence, beliefs, expectations, attitudes,
and/or behaviors of the other. Significantly is a subjective
judgment.
Relationships range between...
|
mutual or one-way
primary or less
social or professional |
voluntary, dutiful, or
forced
platonic, genetic, and
sexual
satisfying to
|
pseudo (pretended) or
genuine
traditional or
nontraditional
stable to unstable |
A primary relationship is one which a partner
consistently values
except in some emergencies.
In a committed primary
relationship, each partner dutifully,
strategically, or
spontaneously vows to rank (a) their and their partner's needs equally, and
(b) more important
than anyone else's needs in times of conflict.
Traditionally, marital partners
pledge "For
better and for worse, 'til death do us part." Some modern couples - specially
after prior breakups - commit conditionally, as in "I commit to you as long
as I get my main relationship needs (below) met." They may or may not admit
this limitation to themselves and/or each other.
A
pseudo relationship is mostly dutiful, intellectual, and strategic
(goal-oriented), and is based on one or both partners pretending respect and
concern in order to fill some covert
Typically, such partners denying the pretense and their own denials. Their pretenses imply...
-
fear
of revealing the (shameful) truth to one's self and/or other people, and usually...
-
the denied dominance of a well-meaning
Some
must pretend to relate (care) because they can't form genuine
with some or all other people.
top
Q2)
What needs
do typical partners hope to fill by committing and maintaining a
relationship?
Premise - a "need" is a
psychological, physical, and/or spiritual
discomfort. Human needs are...
-
normal, inevitable,
and ceaseless; and...
-
(minor to overwhelming); and...
-
conscious, semiconscious, and unconscious; and human needs...
-
range between surface, intermediate, and
primary; and...
-
local to chronic (e.g. the needs for honesty, respect,
and security are
chronic); and needs range from...
-
immediate to long-range.
Needs (discomforts) are neither good or bad.
How (a) people try to reduce (fill) their needs, and (b) the effects of
their attempts, may be
judged as "positive" or "negative." Implication -
being needy is normal and inescapable, not "weak" or shameful .
Each partner in a
primary relationship has a unique mosaic of surface and primary
they
seek to fill via their interactions and decisions. Randomly and over time,
these relationship needs will change and clash in focus and/or priority.
("I need to go to the concert, and you need to stay home.")
A major
asset or stressor in a primary (or any) relationship is how well and how often
partners can (a)
their respective primary needs, and (b) negotiate
ways to fill them
effectively together, amidst many other dynamic non-relationship needs.
Psychological divorce occurs when one or both
partners lose hope of filling key
with their current mate.
in this divorce-prevention Web site (and its guidebook "Satisfactions",
Xlibris.com, 2002) focus on effective ways to
and fill
personal, partnership, co-parenting, and group (e.g. family) needs effectively. For more
perspective on needs, see this and
top
Q3)
What
are
divorce and divorce recovery?
Option - before reading further, try saying your definition of these
two things out loud now. Then compare your answers with what follows.
People often say divorce
and divorced without really appreciating what these terms mean. Depending on the context,
divorce
can simultaneously be...
|
a personal, social, and/or
legal event,
a dynamic multi-year
process,
a shameful religious sin,
a cause of complex sets of
(broken bonds) and
a source of relief and
renewed hope
a cultural (sociological)
event and trend,
a reason to hit true personal
and break long-held denials |
a source of significant personal and
parental regrets,
a
and family
identity trait ("I'm a divorced Dad" / "We're divorced"),
a symptom of adult
and low childhood and current-family
a personal and/or parental
"failure,"
a psychological trauma and
tragedy requiring personal and family recovery (adjustment) |
...and other things.
Divorce recovery includes...
-
admitting and
broken bonds
and...
-
understanding, accepting, and adjusting to a mosaic of personal,
and environmental changes.
-
Recovery means "regain a former
personal and/or environmental state or condition."
Divorce recovery is a multi-level, multi-year personal + environmental process
starting with shock, moving through predictable
phases if conditions allow that, and
ending with stable genuine (vs. pseudo) mental + emotional + spiritual
of significant divorce-related losses (broken bonds) in all affected people.
For more perspective on divorce recovery, see this
slide presentation. If you have
trouble viewing the slides, see
Full acceptance allows resuming normal life goals and activities, including
selectively forming new
Divorce recovery often takes many years for all affected adults and kids to
reach full, stable acceptance. That may
never happen, if some affected adults and/or kids are
significantly
and lack
for healthy mourning. See
for more perspective.
Premise - awareness of which of the many
meanings of divorce are relevant in your situation promotes
effective discussion, decisions, grieving, and problem-solving. For more perspective on these
meanings, see this.
For perspective on the current, tacitly-accepted American divorce
epidemic, see this.
To help
evaluating the degree of divorce recovery in yourself and/or another person,
use this.
For effective
divorce prevention, options, see
this.
top
Q4)
How does
the courtship process relate to possible future divorce?
Premises:
Many average Americans
automatically developed protective
to survive
("dysfunctional")
families and childhoods.
This results in unconsciously developing up
to five related psychological
including unawareness
and denying or discounting
the wounds and their common toxic effects.
One effect is that we
(i.e. our dominant personality subselves)...
-
are unusually needy (have many
concurrent discomforts),
-
usually choose immediate comfort and pleasure
over long-term safety, health, and satisfaction; and...
-
our well-meaning
repeatedly (a) avoid relationship
intimacy or (b) choose other wounded people as partners, despite
painful or harmful results.
Implication - when one
or both courting partners are significantly
they risk choosing the wrong
to commit to, for the wrong
at the wrong
These reactive, unwise
courtship-commitment decisions combine to steeply raise the odds of future
psychological or legal divorce - even if one or both mates divorced
before.
This is specially true where one or both courting partners have
minor and/or grown kids from prior unions (are stepfamily co-parents).
top
Q5)
Are there common courtship danger signs that partners and their
supporters should be aware of?
whether
either partner has prior kids or not. Courting partners controlled by a
protective, needy
will usually deny, discount (minimize), ignore, intellectualize, and/or
rationalize these danger signs
and commit
(or compulsively avoid commitment) anyway.
If they
do commit and their primary
relationship decays over time, wounded mates may or may not admit
ignoring these warning signs. That depends partly on whether or not they're committed to true (vs. pseudo) personal
wound-recovery - i.e.
their resident
to guide their other
For more perspective on these courtship danger signs, see
this.
in
this nonprofit site and its related
guidebook focus on helping needy, uninformed couples make three wise
courtship-commitment decisions - specially if they have prior kids.
top
Q6)
How
does the pervasive [wounds + unawareness]
affect the odds
of
eventual psycho- logical and legal
divorce for typical couples and their families?
It steeply increases the odds of eventual divorce by...
-
promoting
courting partners
choosing each other despite danger signs (Q5 above) and
their
respective wounds and what they
and
by...
-
typical partners
and
significant relationship problems (unfilled needs), and...
-
partners' false selves not wanting to learn how to admit and
resolve such problems effectively as true teammates; and...
-
couples avoiding appropriate
and/or not using supports when offered; and the cycle...
-
promotes significant personal, school, and
social problems for any dependent kids, which stresses the kids, the co-parents'
relationship, their and
These cycle-effects combine to raise the odds of
psychological and legal divorce, because typical
lay adults and most mental-health professionals aren't aware of the cycle
and it's symptoms and toxic affects.
For
three powerful steps any adult can take to proactively reduce these risks
and break the inherited [wounds + unawareness] cycle,
see this
series of prevention articles.
top
Q7)
Why do so many American
couples eventually
divorce psychologically or legally?
Because our
society currently allows and promotes these interactive factors:
-
families and
co-parenting, so kids don't get their
developmental needs met well enough; and...
-
to survive, such kids automatically develop
and related psychological
wounds,
and...
-
typical wounded,
unaware adults choose the
to commit to, for the
at
the wrong
