Q&A about Divorce, Re/divorce,
and Divorce-recovery - p. 2 of 2

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Continued from p. 1...

Question 8)  How can clergypersons and churches help courting couples guard against future divorce?

        The first line of protection for typical needy, unaware couples is any clergyperson they ask to sanctify their union who knows about  the unseen [wounds + unawareness] cycle and its toxic personal, marital, and parental effects. I suspect that few ordained men and women have this vital knowledge now.

        For practical options that clergypersons of any faith have to alert and protect engaged couples with or without prior kids, see this.

        Note: popular (re)marriage-prep programs like Prepare/Enrich, FOCCUS, and Relate (a) are helpful within limits, and (b) presently do NOT adequately assess engaged couples for the common hazards proposed here. See this free, experience-based, modular marriage-prep course that churches and community-education programs can sponsor. It can be tailored for non-stepfamily and married couples.

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Q9)  What  are the phases of normal divorce recovery, and how long do they usually take?

         Divorce recovery means (a) grieving divorce-related losses (broken bonds), while (b) adapting to and stabilizing from many family-system and social changes. Grieving and adapting occur on many levels at different rates, so the slowest one determines how long it takes each adult and child to "recover enough."

       The multi-year grieving of divorce-related (or any) losses occurs on three interrelated levels. Each level has distinct phases. Factors that affect how fast a divorcing person moves through these sets of mourning phases are...

• how wounded and unaware s/he is,

• how bonded s/he is to (a) their partner and (b) the role of spouse, and...

• how many adults and kids comprise their family system, and...

• the nurturance level of their extended (multi-generational) family, and...

• their (a) personal and (b) social permissions to grieve well.

        Divorce recovery depends on who is affected, how, how much, and why. Key factors are (a) the implicit grieving policy (rules about admitting significant losses and feeling and expressing grief) in each partner's family and friends, and (b) how compatible these policies are.

        Key (subjective) indicators of whether a person or family has "recovered" from (adjusted to) divorce losses and changes are...

• whether they can talk about the causes and effects of the divorce - generally, and on anniversaries)  without undue guilt, shame, sadness, confusion, hurt, and anger;

• whether they usually focus on the past, present, or future; and...

• whether each affected adult, child, and home has resumed a stable, balanced lifestyle.

        Personal and family adjustment takes at least several years from the time one partner decides to break their commitment vows. If family members are significantly wounded, recovery may take well over ten years - or may not occur until the wounded people hit true bottom and choose personal healing. This often occurs in midlife or later.

Needy people who re-commit before they or their new partner are well along in recovering from (a) psychological wounds and (b) divorce or mate-death, risk unwise commitment choices and another psychological or legal divorce.

       For more perspective...

• take this quiz on good-grief basics, and study this slide presentation;

• study these Q&A items on bonding, losses, and grieving;

• meditate on these ideas about forgiveness;

• scan these Project-5 articles for relevance;

• learn from this worksheet on divorce recovery; and...

• gain inspiration and direction from Bruce Fisher's' useful book Rebuilding.

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Q10)  How does psychological or legal divorce affect typical minor kids and their grandparents?

        The answer depends on many interactive variables like...

• the person's age, gender, and personality; and...

• their family's past and current nurturance-level (high > low) and grieving policy (healthy > unhealthy), and...

• the person's degrees of woundedness (high > low), bonding (high > low), and social support (effective > inadequate).

These combine to affect how and how long parental separation and divorce affect a typical biochild or grandparent.

        Generally, minor and adult kids must (a) grieve many significant tangible and abstract losses (broken bonds) over time, and (b) fill a mix of adjustment needs while they (c) continue to fill their normal developmental needs. Their success at these interrelated processes depends largely on how aware, healthy (vs. wounded), and nurturing their adult caregivers and family supporters are.

        Typical grandparents of divorcing adult children must...

• admit and grieve significant losses,

• admit (vs. deny or minimize) and adjust to family-system changes (e.g. altered roles, rituals, priorities, and allegiances), and...

• keep their personal boundaries and integrity intact while they do these complex tasks over time.

        Their grieving progress requires reaching credible answers to special questions like...

As a parent, what did I (or we) do wrong to cause my/our child to divorce?" How can I manage any significant guilt, shame, and anger (a normal phase of grieving)?

Can I trust that my child/ren and grandchild/ren will adjust successfully to their losses and changes? What do they each need now, and how can I best support each of them in filling their adjustment and other needs?

If I need to apologize to, and/or forgive myself, my mate, or anyone else in the family, why, how, and when?

How do I handle being asked to - or needing to - take sides among my family members? Who's needs come first?

How should I redefine my relationship with my grandchild/ren's other parent and his/her relatives?

What supports do I (or my partner and I) need to help us grieve and adjust to our family reorganization? See Q14 below.

How do I (or we) handle any religious conflicts or stressors (e.g. the Catholic annulment process, and/or church-community judgments) over my child's divorce?

If a grandparent is too wounded and unaware to face questions like these honestly (vs., deny, minimize, rationalize, or intellectualize them), they may get stuck (blocked) in grieving. This usually promotes significant personal and family stress.

        For more perspective on typical grandparents' issues, see this.

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Q11)  How can concerned adults tell if an adult or child has "recovered" from family divorce losses and changes well enough?

        Each family member and supporter will have their own criteria for deciding "What is 'well enough'?" Key behavioral signs of stable acceptance and adjustment: the person...

• can talk calmly and honestly about their (a) losses (broken bonds) and (b) family changes, and (c) how s/he feels about them and their personal and family impacts; and s/he...

• can clearly answer basic questions about their losses and changes, like...

  • "Why did the divorce happen?"

  • "How has it affected you and other family members?"

  • "What have you lost because of the divorce process?"

  • "What are the major changes you've experienced because of the divorce?"  and...

  • "How well are your other family members adjusting to all the changes and losses?"

  And the "recovered" person...

• shows stable interest and energy in pursuing a healthy range of life activities, including religious and/or spiritual affairs; and s/he...

• shows none of these blocked-grief symptoms in recent months or at anniversary times; and s/he...

• maintains normal relationships with all family members and others affected by the divorce - i.e. s/he hasn't cut off or avoided contacts with any of these people, and participates freely in family and other social activities.

        Each person's adjustment process and pace depend partly on how stable their family system is following major separation and divorce changes. So the real question is "How can concerned adults tell if the family has adjusted well enough to divorce-related losses and changes?"

        A practical reason to research this question well is to avoid making courtship commitments before all related adults and kids have "recovered" enough from prior divorces or deaths. For more perspective, see these divorce recovery and "right (commitment) time" worksheets.

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Q12)  How does divorce affect a typical biofamily's developmental phases?

        Like all living things, every family system moves through identifiable developmental phases as its members age, procreate, and die. Psychological and legal divorce add several adjustment phases to the normal biofamily sequence:

• adapting to significant partnership and family conflicts;

• stabilizing altered rules, roles (family responsibilities), rituals, routines, alliances, loyalties, priorities, boundaries, and identities after one partner moves out;

• adjusting to possible mediation, reconciliation, and readjustment, or to a complex set of stressful  legal, financial, social and possibly religious divorce events over months or years;

• adults and kids grieving a related set of abstract and physical losses (broken bonds) over some years, and possibly...

• adjusting to one or both ex mates dating again, and forming or joining a stepfamily. Then...

• merging three or more biofamilies over many years, and stabilizing new stepfamily roles, rules, rituals, routines, identity, boundaries, names, assets and debts, and co-parenting goals, styles, values, and strategies. Some multi-generational stepfamilies then must...

• go through another version of these extra family-development phases each time a stepfamily couple re/divorces. Then all family members are older, and the family system, structure, and social environment differ from the first cycle - so adjustment may be easier or harder than the first time. 

        Each family member's personal developmental path may be hindered by these extra family-development phases - specially in low-nurturance systems. The degree of adjustment-stress from these extra phases (low > high) will affect how the family reacts to these four or five common stressors.

        For a summary comparison of typical biofamily and stepfamily developmental phases, see this.

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Q13)  Why are stepfamily mates at special risk of re/divorce? (The "/" notes that it may be a stepparent's first divorce).

        Because compared to typical intact biofamilies, there are usually...

• more (step)family members and relationships, and more complex, unfamiliar (step)family roles,

• up to 30 concurrent, alien, biofamily-merger tasks, and...

• higher odds of incomplete and blocked grief, and...

• more simultaneous values, loyalty, family- identity, and family- membership conflicts, and associated relationship triangles, and...

• more psychologically- wounded and unaware adults and kids, and...

• less effective social support available for kids and adults.

        Typical stepfamily couples and supporters (a) aren't expecting or prepared for these related stressors, (b) don't know how to problem-solve effectively, and (c) often become overwhelmed and hopeless over some years of struggle and frustration.

These factors are summarized in this divorce-prevention Web site as five common hazards. The site proposes 12 Projects to help typical co-parents avoid and manage the hazards.

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Q14)  How can concerned relatives and friends best support divorcing adults and kids?

        "Support" means (a) "respectfully helping people identify and fill primary needs (reduce current and chronic discomforts), and (b) filling your own needs effectively as you do." So effective divorce support starts by...

• keeping your true Self in charge of your personality,

• accepting the difference between surface and primary needs, and then...

• objectively identifying the specific current primary needs of each adult and child affected by the divorce process and your own needs.

        A major initial support is to ask each such person "What do you need now?" and "What are your options for filling these needs now?" Then listen empathically without trying to "fix" or reassure the person. And effective support includes...

• helping each able person to keep their self-respect by filling their own needs, and not taking  responsibility for doing so (rescuing them). Restated - the most caring divorce support may be to compassionately "help by not helping."

        A related support is to help each adult and child who wants help to do effective problems-solving - i.e. to review and evaluate all options for filling each significant divorce-adjustment need, and encourage the person to use these wise guidelines and appropriate human and spiritual help in accepting or filling each major need. This is illustrated by the ancient parable of helping a starving person learn how to fish, vs. giving them a fish.

        A vital way to support