Project 10 of 12  - Questions typical co-parents should ask...
	Q&A About Ex Mates - p. 1 of 2 What Co-parents Need to Know By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Retired Board member Stepfamily Association of America

• home > site overview >  site map, directory, or search > Solutions article or other page > Q&A index (ex mates) > here

The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/qa/ex-q.htm

        Links in these pages lead to a new browser window or an informational popup, so please turn off your browser's popup blocker or accept popups from this nonprofit Web site.        

        This is one of a series of Q&A pages for family adults and supporters. The series exists because typical wounded, unaware adults don't know what they need to know to get their key personal and family-relationship needs met. These two pages offer questions that adults in divorcing families and stepfamilies should research, and brief answers and links to more detail.

        These Q&A items are based on my professional research, and clinical experience with over 1,000 average Midwestern-US women and men, since 1979. The "/" in "re/marriage notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. These answers are not meant to replace other qualified professional counsel.

        Before continuing, pause and reflect - why are you reading this? What do you need?

+ + +

        Relations between separated or divorcing parents greatly affect the nurturance level of their two-home nuclear family, at a time when they and any minor kids have many extra needs. These relations also strongly affect if and how their new stepfamily roles and homes will prosper, well after the youngest stepchild tries independent living. Bioparents, stepparents, and family supporters need to research the questions below to build a stable, satisfying high-nurturance family over time.

        Project 10 in this divorce-prevention Web site aims to help ex mates and stepparents (co-parents) forge an effective co-parenting team over time. The guidebook for this family Project is Build a Co-parenting Team after divorce and remarriage (Xlibris.com, 2002). It integrates the answers below and in related Web articles.

        Conflicts between divorcing parents are often very emotional and complex, so there are no simple answers. Choose a long-term view and the unbiased "mind of a student," and check to see if your Self (capital "S") is leading your personality.  If you're in a "crisis," see this. Then get the most from the answers below by first studying and discussing these with other family adults and supporters:

• an overview of a high-nurturance family;

• an introduction to psychological wounds from a low-nurturance childhood, and what such wounds often mean;

• perspective on the three phases of divorce;

• summary: the normal developmental and special needs of typical divorcing-family kids;

• key factors that shape ex-mate relationships before and after breaking up;

• premises about typical relationship problems;

• an introduction to healthy three-level grieving;

• the primary causes of most divorcing-family and stepfamily role and relationship problems;   

• examples of lose-lose and win-win problem-solving;

• communication tips and common blocks, and...

• this review of key knowledge you ex mates probably need to co-parent effectively.

  Questions you should ask about ex mates

        Option - before following links, try answering each question out loud. Then compare your answer with what you read here.

Q1)  How can we ex mates give our kids and ourselves the best chance for long-term harmony and        healing?

Q2)  My ex and I have major disagreements over parenting issues, and we can't seem to find a middle        ground. Can we improve this?

Q3)  My ex often hangs up on me when I try to discuss child-related issues. Can I do anything about        this?

Q4)  My ex and I can never agree on issues around money. What can we do?

Q5)  My ex and I are in major conflict over child visitations and/or custody. What do you advise?

Q6)  My ex harasses me, despite my protests and demands. What can I do?

Q7)  My ex is intentionally biasing our kids against me, and vehemently denies this, and/or blames me        for doing so. What can I do?

Q8)  My ex ignores our child/ren, despite my requests and protests. What can I do?

Q9)  I'm convinced my ex spouse has significant psychological problems which stress all of us. What        are my options?

Q10)  My ex has a major addiction which affects us all. S/He vehemently denies this. What can I do?

Q11)  My ex often ignores our legal parenting agreement, and makes excuses, denies this, and/or          blames me and/or other people. Do I have options other than legal force?

Q12)  My ex threatens to withhold visitation if I choose to date a new partner (or do something else). I'm          really torn! What can I do?

Q13)  I suspect that my ex is abusing our child/ren, but s/he denies it. What are my options?

Q14)  My ex and I are struggling with legal fights over child-related disputes. Is there any          alternative?

 If you don't see your question here, please ask!

 

Q1)  How can we ex mates give our kids and ourselves the best chance for long-term harmony        and healing?

        By each of you parents (a) admitting and reducing any psychological wounds, and (b) accepting that...

• all personal, co-parenting and family "problems" are really unfilled needs (discomforts); and...

• each of you is a person of equal human worth whose needs and feelings are equally valid and important; and...

• most "ex mate problems" are symptoms of underlying primary needs; and...

• with time and patience, you two can learn how to problem-solve effectively (fill mutual needs), instead of these common alternatives. Your child/ren depend on you both to do this, and to teach them how to do win-win problem-solving (conflict resolution);

• you cause part of every "ex mate problem," and must genuinely want to change something about yourself to improve your part. Reluctance to do so suggests you may be ruled by a false self;

• the way you and your ex try to resolve your (surface) disputes is often the main problem - so become aware of your basic attitudes, and how you two communicate when your needs and/or values clash.

        How does each of these premises compare with what you each believe now?

top
 

Q2)  My ex and I have major disagreements over parenting issues, and we can't seem to find a        middle ground. Can we improve this?

        Probably. You two can reduce child-care disputes and frustrations effectively if you each want to...

• honestly assess yourself and your partner for psychological wounds,

• commit to reducing any you find, and while you do...

• agree that you each are worthy persons whose needs are equally valid even if your values clash;

• help each other learn to use these seven effective-communication skills; and...

• admit and patiently help each other reduce any of these stressors and relationship barriers as co-parenting teammates, not opponents.

If either of you is ruled by a protective false self you'll ignore or sabotage this advice (Yes, but..."), despite escalating family conflicts which will probably wound your kids and increasingly stress you all.

top

Q3)  My ex often hangs up on me when I try to discuss child-related issues. Can I do anything        about this?

        Repeated phone hang-ups and other cutoffs and withdrawals usually happen when the co-parent (his or her ruling subselves) needs to...

end local (communication) frustrations and sees no alternatives; and/or...

guard against "losing control" and behaving harmfully; and/or the co-parent's dominant subselves need to...

earn self-respect by asserting and enforcing a limit with the other co-parent ("If you keep interrupting and blaming me instead of problem-solving, I'm going to hang up.")

Hang-ups and withdrawals are symptoms of two primary problems: one or both of you (a) are controlled by well-meaning false selves, and/or (b) aren't using the seven effective- communication skills yet to identify and fill your mutual needs. You can improve both of these if you want to! Notice your thoughts and feelings as you read this...

top

Q4)  My ex and I can never agree on issues around money. What can we do?

        Any dispute (with anyone) about earning, saving, spending, accounting for, owing, owning, or investing "money," is always a surface (secondary) problem. The underlying primary problems are usually a mix of unawareness +  false-self dominance +  values clashes + communication blocks. Each of these can be resolved effectively if both exes are willing to learn some basics and change some destructive  attitudes and habits.

        As long as you focus on "money," your disputes will recur and/or amplify other problems like blame, guilts, shame, hurt, frustration, distrust, disrespect, hostility, weariness, and loss of hope. Read (a) this example of "digging down" below a surface "money" problem, and (b) this article for more perspective and effective solution-options. 

top

Q5)  My ex and I are in major conflict over child visitations and/or custody. What do you advise?

        Your conflicts are real - and are probably secondary (surface) problems. They'll probably recur despite your and any lawyers' best efforts until you co-parents both decide to (a) put your true Selves in charge, (b) adopt a genuine (vs. strategic) attitude of mutual respect, and then (c) dig down to identify and fill your respective clusters of primary needs as co-parenting partners. Chief among these are probably each of you needing to feel...

• respected as a person and a competent co-parent,

• trusted as a reliable caregiver and co-parenting partner (vs. an adversary);

• clearly aware of what each child's developmental and family-adjustment needs are, and...

• free of unreasonable interference in your life.

        Barriers to you two filling these normal needs are probably some mix of unawareness + false-self dominance +  values clashes + communication blocks. You can help each other reduce each of these, if your true Selves lead your personalities. Start by committing to work patiently on Projects 1 and 2 as partners, for your kids' sakes.

top
 

Q6)  My ex harasses me, despite my protests and demands. What can I do?

        You have some powerful options. The first is to assess whether your true Self is free to lead your inner team of subselves (personality). If not, work patiently on Project 1, and do some or all of these:

review your attitudes. A 1-up or 1-down attitude (a) suggests a false self controls you, which (b) will surely encourage your ex to keep ignoring your needs and boundaries, no matter what you say or do.

If your ex mate's actions and continual disrespect makes it hard to achieve an '=/=' attitude, read this, and assess to see if s/he's a wounded survivor of a low-nurturance childhood. If s/he is, see if that helps to shift your attitude toward compassion, vs. scorn, disgust, hostility, and disrespect. Then...

review and affirm your human rights, and strengthen your