The Web address of this
two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/qa/ex-q.htm
Continued...
Q8)
My ex ignores our
child/ren despite my requests and protests. What can I do?
When a custodial or non-custodial bioparent "ignores"
a minor child, one or
more of these may be the cause:
From severe childhood
neglect, the parent is significantly
and cannot
("care")
- and his or her
doesn't (want to) know this or what to
and/or...
The "disinterested"
parent is
in
her or
his major
from prior separation or
and can't face the
and sadness of talking with or seeing his
or her child/ren. This is specially likely if the custodial parent is dating
or living with a new adult who is co-parenting the "disinterested" parent's
child/ren; and/or...
The bioparent didn't really
want to conceive the child, and is avoiding the
overwhelming
sadness, and
regret that comes from
contact with an unwanted son or daughter; and/or...
Contact with a child is
associated with (a) unbearable
and conflict with, and/or (b) longing for the
ex mate, which overcomes their wish for contact with their child/ren;
and/or...
The
"uninvolved" mom or dad got so
little effective
as a young child - specially from the same-gender parent
- that s/he literally does not know how to care for their child/ren,
and is
embarrassed to reveal that.
Accusing such a mother or father of being
insensitive, selfish,
self-centered, a terrible parent, or similar is a
tragic mis-labeling of these unseen primary problems, which often cause unbearable, relentless
The "ignored" child/ren can't
understand this, and feel unimportant, abandoned, hurt, sad, and shamed anyway.
Options:
assess for these
primary
problems in your situation - perhaps with
professional help;
imagine
the "uncaring" bioparent as swathed in bloody bandages walking
with two canes, and shift blame or contempt for her or him to compassion - without sacrificing your needs,
limits, values, or
If you "can't do that,"
yourself for significant false-self
and take appropriate action;
honestly
if you are doing something that contributes
to the other parent's "indifference"
avoidance). If so, assess what
prevents you (if anything) from changing your behavior;
respectfully
the other adult with these primary problems, perhaps with qualified
professional help, and
your
review these common
co-parenting
keep a
long-term view (e.g. the next 25 years),
and patiently take appropriate action;
get clear on what you can
and cannot change, and
of expecting things
from this troubled parent that s/he cannot provide without hitting
and
self-motivated
Reluctance to consider these primary
problems and options - and insisting on blaming the other parent - suggests that
you are
and controlled by a
Notice your
to this.
top
Q9)
I'm convinced my ex
spouse has significant
psychological problems, which stresses all of us. What are my options?
"Significant psychological problems" are usually
symptoms of false-self
Either
(a) your
is
and your ex doesn't have "mental problems," or (b) s/he is ruled by a
false self and doesn't (want to) know it or what to
about it.
Options:
-
for wounds
honestly, and see how that affects your opinion. Then...
-
assess your
ex mate
for wounds, and read
this two-page article;. and/or...
-
use
professional help to do either
or both of these
objectively, to avoid probable biases and distortions. Depending on your
findings...
-
reassess your (a)
attitude about
and (b) expectations of your ex, and (c) your recent
behavior with her or him.
-
If your ex has significant wounds, accept
that (a) s/he didn't cause them, and (b) can't change them or the
behaviors they cause until s/he hits
and may decide to
Use the wisdom from these ageless
practice asserting and enforcing your
with her or him respectfully, and avoid disparaging your ex to your kids
and others.
top
Q10)
My ex has a major
addiction which affects us all. S/He
vehemently denies this. What can I do?
One
or
more of the four kinds of
seem common
in the
family trees
of
and
stepfamily co-parents and their children. If you feel an ex mate may be or
is addicted, consider the premise that all addictions are symptoms of unseen protective
trying to medicate (numb,
distract from) intolerable
This is why
true addicts cannot
change their behavior in response to "logic," pleading, threats,
blame, "reasoning," punishments, manipulations, hints, or accusations. Study
this article for more perspective, options, and
resources.
top
Q11)
My ex often ignores our legal parenting agreement, and makes excuses, denies this,
and/or
blames me and/or other people. Do I have options other than legal
force?
Ignoring
or violating a legal
or
Order of Protection, and
or justifying this, is a secondary (surface)
problem. It's in everyone's best interest to try several other
options before calling an attorney, unless you judge someone's health or
safety to be at immediate risk:
-
whether
(a) you and/or (b) your ex mate are dominated by a
If
you are, focus on your own
wound-
-
If your ex bears
significant false-self
check your
attitude about her or him.
If it's
(pity, condescension,
disdain, disrespect), that will probably provoke the violations if your ex
can't
her or his needs effectively.
For
more perspective and options for relating to a psychologically-injured ex mate, read
this.
-
honestly assess - perhaps with
objective help - whether any of these common
are hindering effective negotiations and promoting the "violations." If
so, focus on reducing them
first.
-
review whether the
parenting agreement was really a joint agreement, or your ex mate feels it was imposed
by someone. Do
you feel s/he was clear on what s/he wanted, and asserted honestly for that? If
not, your ex's "violations" may be a way of expressing
resentment and frustration that the agreement doesn't really represent what
s/he
(or some other grievance).
If so...
adopt a long-range view
(e.g. 15 to 25 years),
review and validate your respective personal
rights,
work to discern
what
would help your ex feel safe to assert and negotiate fairly, and...
revise the
parenting agreement within your own limits and
needs.
More
options:
-
Choose a
attitude, and ask your ex whether you are doing
anything that motivates her or him to violate the agreement or order. Then
Doing this does not mean you agree.
-
"
typical recent communication
with your ex about the parenting agreement (or other conflicts) to see if that illuminates some new options for constructive
-
Review and discuss
this and
this to raise the odds your parenting agreement fits the unique mix
of needs of each child you care about.
-
to see whether you two see clearly
(a) what you
each need relative to
the parenting agreement, and (b) who's really
for filling each
need.
-
Evaluate the pros and cons of using an
mediator or
to see
if they can help reduce your conflicts.
If no viable solution
appears from these options, (a) check to see if your
true Self currently
your
(b) evaluate your long-term
and (c)
read
this article before hiring a family-law attorney to
try forcing your ex to comply with the parenting agreement.
If you're not clearly motivated to
follow some of these options to improve your situation, you're probably
controlled by a
If so, that's the primary problem, not your ex mate.
top
Q12)
My ex threatens to withhold visitation if I choose to date a new partner
(or do something else). I'm really
torn! What can I do?
Your ex mate's threats
suggests one or both of you...
-
has significant psychological
and/or...
-
aren't
and perhaps
either or both of you...
-
major
It also suggests...
-
you
probably have not evolved effective strategies to admit and defuse (a) some
of these
and/or (b) major
and
conflicts and
associated relationship
yet.
Reality check - can you describe such strategies out loud now?
Options:
for significant
wounds. If you find some, work to
your
(capital "S") to lead your other
As you do, clarify your
current
