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Q9) What are family
anger and "good-grief"
policies, and why are they vital?
A policy is a set of rules
(shoulds,
oughts, musts, have-to's, etc) and right-wrong, good-bad values and
guidelines about how to do something. All kids and adults evolve
semi-conscious policies about a wide range of private and social
behaviors (e.g. grooming, hygiene, dressing, eating, worshipping, sex,
socializing, asserting, etc.) to guide them in private and social
situations.
Premise - all families (like yours) evolve and live by
policies about (a) bonding and (b) grieving - i.e. adapting to broken
bonds (losses). These policies always include unspoken rules about
feeling and expressing significant shock, confusion,
and
sadness.
Can you describe your personal and family policies about each of these?
The personal and family effects
from these combined policies range from
to
toxic.
Depending on their mourning policies and behaviors,
families range
from "pro-grief" (encouraging healthy three-level mourning in
all members) to "anti-grief" (hindering or blocking healthy grief). Pro-grief
families consistently promote genuine
(encouragements) to grieve well to all adults and kids. Does this
describe your family?
Note that "No
grieving policy" is a policy.
See
this sample family grieving
policy
for more perspective. Is there anything preventing your family members
from evolving and using such a
policy?
in this non-profit Web site focuses on healthy personal
and family grief, and thawing frozen mourning.
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Q10) What can adults do to
support a family (or any) griever
effectively?
Aware adults can do many things to help each other and their kids
reach full acceptance of their losses. The key first steps are to (a)
all
family adults thoroughly for false-self
and
(b) take
appropriate
- i.e. help each other do
over time.
Other
options are combinations of the
ideas in
Because
every family is unique, there is no "standard" way to
facilitate incomplete grief. Some
common steps that can help are your adults and supporters choosing to...
Use this
quiz as a framework for helping family adults learn good-grief
basics, and then encouraging your kids
and supporters to learn and apply them;
Evolve a family
Good Grief policy, and model it for
each other. The policy should include specific ways to
support active
grievers effectively;
Clarify your definition of a
home and family (one which intentionally promotes healthy
three-level grief
in all members and visitors), teach your kids and supporters, and help each
other grieve well.
Intentionally acquire and use
the
for healthy personal and family grief.
Assess your community for
grief-support groups, programs, and
professional
grief counselors. Some clinicians are certified to
teach and facilitate healthy mourning. Ask your local mental-health agencies and hospital family-wellness spokespersons
for referrals.
Read and discuss books like
these. They're typical of a range of
grief-support materials available through your library and the Internet.
Few or none of them will acknowledge the seven requisites for
healthy grief proposed
here.
See this
three-page article for more specific options.
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Q11)
Is there any connection between a person's childhood and their
ability to grieve well?
Yes! There are at least two potential links. The first is the family
a child experiences in her or his
early
years.
The less effectively a child's
and developmental needs are filled, the more likely s/he will
develop a protective
and
related psychological
These wounds can covertly hinder
healthy bonding and grieving by...
-
or minimizing
significant
and/or their
impacts;
-
(a)
or minimizing grief
emotions
- specially
and
and/or (b) not
expressing grief emotions - e.g. not
venting, raging, and/or
crying;
-
unconsciously associating healthy
grief feelings and behaviors with "weakness," "being a baby," and "badness"
- i.e. misplaced
and
wounds can hinder grief by...
-
not
normal mourning
rights and
(e.g. "I
need to be alone."), including not asking for appropriate
support ("Could
I have a hug?").
The
second potential childhood <> grieving link is a
growing distorted...
-
attitudes about
grieving - e.g. "Crying is for sissies"; "Stop
whining and feeling sorry for yourself, and get on with your life;"
and "You only grieve when somebody dies,"
and...
-
observing
anti-grief behaviors of
wounded, unaware caregivers; For example...
-
seeing family adults ignore, block,
minimize, intellectualize, avoid, or scorn major losses (broken bonds) and their impacts; and...
-
not
seeing them honestly expressing their grief-feelings, or...
-
openly
seeking credible answers
to their loss-questions.
If you and/or an important child
or adult come from low-nurturance early years, these factors may promote
(a) psychological
and (b) an inability to
bond and/or grieve well. Follow the links for more
perspective and options.
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Q12)
Does
gender have anything to do with
healthy grieving?
Probably. In their
thought-provoking book
Brain Sex - the real difference between men and women, biogeneticist Anne Moir
and
journalist David
Jessel propose that typical male brains and female brains..
-
are "wired" differently, and often react to
the environment very differently; and...
-
may reside in a male or female
body.
This suggests that typical female
brains (vs. female persons)
are (a) more emotionally sensitive and reactive to life changes (e.g. losses), and
may (b) feel and (c) express grief emotions more readily and fully than male
brains. Female brains (d) may need more
emotional processing and (e) less
mental processing to reach stable acceptance of significant losses
and their impacts.
In her interesting book "You
Just Don't Understand - Women and Men in Conversation," Ph.D. Linguist
Deborah Tannen describes common differences in the way males and females
communicate. This suggests that the way they vent and express
grief thoughts, emotions, and needs will often vary significantly.
Implication: your personal and family good-grief
policies should include not expecting the
male brains in your family to grieve the way your members' female brains
do, and vice versa. Can you identify which members have which
brains (starting with you)? Notice where your thoughts go now...
Q13)
When do grievers need to work
with a counselor or therapist and/or join a grief-support group?
Mourning significant broken bonds may be hindered or blocked by
personal false-self
+ unawareness of
grieving basics +
organic and anti-grief
factors. The mix of
these may warrant
qualified
professional help.
Some clinicians are certified
to help people and families grieve well. It's good to
learn and use practical selection criteria, rather than trusting
uninformed referrals. No matter what her or his credentials, beware a counselor who quickly prescribes mood-control
medication as the solution to incomplete-grief symptoms.
Drugs may relieve the
symptoms of incomplete
grief (frequent misdiagnosis:
but inhibit healthy [ mental +
emotional + spiritual ] mourning.
Mood-control medication does not promote healthy
grief!
If you and/or someone you care about have...
-
symptoms of significant false-self
wounds and
and...
-
have
worked to
your
to guide your
via some
version of
and
you or they...
-
have learned and
applied the ideas in
and still
make no progress mourning, then...
I suggest shopping for a
qualified and experienced
grief
counselor. If you're unsure whether you have incomplete grief, seek a professional
evaluation. Ask local mental-health agencies and hospitals for referrals, and
try a Web search on "grief counselors."
Don't expect any you find to know how personality subselves and
false-self wounds affect bonding and grieving. They can still be very
helpful.
Options
ask any professional you hire to review
these Project 5 resources - specially
this article on thawing frozen mourning. Also ask if they can name the
three levels of, and seven
for, wholistically-healthy grief.
edit these Q&A items about
stepfamily counseling to fit grief
counseling; and/or...
seek an effective grief-support group locally or
online. Well-run groups can facilitate moving through the levels and
phases of mourning, but probably can't offer informed help on assessing
and freeing blocked grief.
Such groups are often for people surviving the death of a loved one,
(e.g. Compassionate
Friends) and/or family loss from divorce (e.g.
Rainbows and Kaleidoscope). They
may or may not include professional guidance and participation.
For perspective on choosing an
effective group, see this four-page article
and adapt this one.
Learning about and
incomplete grief is specially important for (a) adults in
and (b) courtship partners considering joining or forming a stepfamily.
It may also be appropriate for members of families with a loved
one in prolonged absence, like jail, missionary work, or political or military service in another country.
Q14)
How can our family adults help our children become
healthy mourners?
Select from options like these...
All your adults
themselves for
false-self
and intentionally work to
reduce them through some form of
Strive to increase
the times your wise
are
your other
(personalities). As you do...
All family adults learn to answer these
grief-basics questions, and discuss your
respective
values about grief and mourning.
If you find significant
use Project-2
to
resolve them respectfully. As you do, explain good-grief basics and what you're doing to
your kids in appropriate language, and respect their reactions.
Co-operatively
discuss and evolve a
family
with older kids and relatives. Then all
family adults use it as a foundation for evolving a family
good-grief policy.
Consider including...
-
your
version of these
six steps,
-
how you all want to exchange
to grieve well,
and...
-
your family policy about
Involve your
kids in this process as appropriate.
Assess all of your adults and kids for
of
incomplete grief. Options...
-
inventory each person's
major physical and
invisible losses, and
then...
-
use this
level and phase scheme to
help assess where each member is in grieving each significant
loss. Explain to your
kids what you're doing and why, in age-appropriate language. Take your time!
Help each other
use your grieving policy
and knowledge of family nurturance factors to
develop a way to help any members facilitate healthy three-level grief (Q10). Invite your kids to understand and participate as appropriate.
Use this
article as a resource.
Actively encourage each child to...
Talk openly with your kids about your own broken bonds and their impacts, and
show them how you grieve. Evolve a way of respectfully confronting
members who may be avoiding their grief, vs.
that with silence
and "politeness."
Help each other
notice other people who
grieve well - seek good-grief hero/ines and mentors,
and become mentors yourselves!
Keep comfortably alert for chances to...
-
grow
your kids' understanding of bonding, losses, and grieving; and to...
-
praise and
when they're grieving effectively. ("I'm so proud of the way
you can cry and show your anger about your best friend moving away!")
Develop a family "grief language"
- words and
phrases with special meanings about bonds, losses, loss impacts, feelings, and grief levels and
phases. Invite your kids to contribute to your language and model using it for and with them
and others.
Q15) Why is
it specially important for typical
and
adults and to learn and practice "good grief"?
Most people accept that "divorce causes losses (broken bonds)" for all
family members. Far fewer people realize that
forming or joining a stepfamily
also causes sets of major
physical and
invisible losses
for all adults and kids - including co-parenting ex mates and
three or more sets of relatives.
Typical adults in divorcing families and
stepfamilies should intentionally form and live by healthy
personal and family grieving policies
because...
-
Research suggests that the intensity of
loss-trauma from family separation and divorce is among the
highest
of human stresses, including natural disasters, the death of a
loved one, and social chaos.
-
In their book Second Chances,
Psychologist Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee concluded from
studying a group of average Californian divorcing families over 10
years that it may some kids or adults over a decade to fully
grieve these losses.
-
Most (~90%)
new US stepfamilies
follow the divorce of one or both new mates. The others follow the
death of a former spouse. Sociologists estimate that average
divorcing American adults re/marry within 7-10 years. which suggests
they, their ex mate, and any minor or grown kids may not have fully
grieved their respective losses when new partner say "I do - again."
if so, they risk (a)
adding new losses to old ones
and (b) some family members becoming
Even if they aren't, these compound losses may hinder or block
healthy bonding between some new stepfamily members - e.g. stepkids
and new stepparents, and/or stepsiblings.
That weakens the new
and lowers its
when new
and
are undeveloped and fragile.
-
Re/marriage or equivalent and/or
co-parents cohabiting with exciting new partners (with or without
custodial kids) cause major new losses for most
stepfamily members, including stepkids' "other bioparent," if living
and active in their lives.
-
The multi-year biofamily-merger process
in new stepfamilies requires all stepfamily members to make major
changes in up to
of family-system elements. Some or many of these changes may involve
significant concurrent broken bonds - losses.
-
My clinical research since 1981 suggests
that a high majority of typical US divorcing and stepfamily adults
are
of low-nurturance
childhoods.
They seem to be more prone to incomplete grieving than people
from higher-nurturance early years.
|
If a needy divorcing parent chooses a new partner before
s/he and all kids and their other bioparent have grieved
their losses well enough, adding a web of new stepfamily
losses (Q16 below) may overwhelm one or more kids or adults.
This is one of many reasons impatient courting co-parents
need to soberly evaluate "Is this the right
to re/commit?" |
in this Web site provide practical knowledge and options
for divorcing and new-stepfamily adults that can help assess and manage
healthy grief among all adults and kids.
Five of these Projects (1, 2,
5-7) pertain to all families.
In my
clinical and classroom experience with hundreds
of typical US couples, few of them knew what you
just read. This leaves such couples and their kids vulnerable to significant
from
incomplete grief and three or
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Q16)
What do typical
adults and kids lose from
stepfamily re/marriage and
cohabiting?
We're trained
from childhood to associate marriage and
"setting up housekeeping" with happiness, hope, new opportunities, and gains
-
not losses.
Shifting your identity from "single" to
"committed / married," and "moving in together" causes some of those prizes
and a web of complex changes.
Many physical and invisible
changes
cause minor to major losses - broken bonds. Our pleasure-seeking,
over-stimulating culture tends to minimize
or ignore these, which promotes slowed or blocked grief in homes and families
like yours.
For
most adults and kids, new-stepfamily losses are
more numerous and complex than those they experienced from divorce or death
(Q4). Study this
to appreciate how many things new stepfamily co-parents and kids
must change and/or grieve as they merge their
(work
at
Options:
-
read the
summary as an adult, and then reread it as any or each child in your life;
and...
-
thoughtfully review these checklists of
tangible and
invisible things that kids
and adults of average divorcing-families and stepfamilies lose as
they slowly reorganize and stabilize their
The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/qa/grief-q.htm