Q5)
What problems do typical stepfamily grandparents face, and what are their
options?
Typical co-grandparents may be wiser and
mellower than their adult children and in-laws, but they
encounter most of the
same stepfamily
and
family-adjustment needs and
as their children do. Because of age, health, occupational, and
financial differences, their personal needs and
are usually significant different than those of their adult kids.
If
seniors have real (vs. dutiful or pretended)
with the kids and grandkids
in their stepfamily, most co-grandparents are stressed to some
degree by four of these
-
starting with significant
They need as much informed empathy and
among friends and society as
their kids and grandkids, and are even less likely to find any. Have you ever
seen a support group, book, tape, or seminar for stepfamily
co-grandparents?
Restated: for long-term personal and
harmony,
typical co-grandparents need to work
at Projects
just as much as their adult children do. Step-seniors can play
a vital stabilizing and coaching role for their younger people if...
-
their
lead their
and...
-
they fully accept their
stepfamily
and what it
and...
-
they strengthen their
and...
-
they learn how to
spot and master
and
conflicts, and relationship
and
to...
-
help family members
anti-grief
and
incomplete or blocked grief, and free it up.
Read
and discuss this two-page Solutions
article for more perspective
on co-grandparents' needs and
options.
top
Q6)
Where can stepfamily relatives get
effective support?
"Support" spans empathy,
companionship, encouragement, acceptance, patience, constructive
confrontations, respect, appropriate physical touching, relevant
information, nourishing (vs. toxic) spirituality, and respectful guidance.
These are hard to find for typical stepfamily relatives because of...
-
our national denial of the unseen [wounds +
unawareness]
and its toxic effects;
-
low public demand,
-
typical relatives'
that they need support; and...
-
existing support is often well-meant,
superficial, and sometimes amplifies relatives'
vs. reducing it.
There is less effective social, media, and
professional
available to typical step-relatives than to co-parents
and stepkids.
If their
is
their
any stepfamily relative can (a) overcome
personal
barriers to getting
help, and (b) build four kinds of
support for themselves and other loved ones over time.
Family
Project 11 is a framework any adult
in a
or stepfamily can use to
get appropriate
help to (a) fill concurrent family-adjustment needs and
to (b) reduce role and relationship stressors.
Option: use this
worksheet to explore your current level of
support.
top
Q7)
After re/marriage, is there a best way
to handle family-gathering invitations?
Most new-stepfamily adults feel some confusion and
conflict about which bio, step, and "ex" family members to invite to major
celebrations and gatherings. Because members aren't clear yet on
or they don't like
who belongs, major
and relationship
can erupt as your
people struggle with inclusion, exclusion, and abandonment stresses.
While each stepfamily needs to forge it's own unique response to this "who do
we invite?" question (starting with
weddings), consider these suggestions...
Help each other
your
in
of the invitation-decision process via
then...
Keep a long-term (e.g.
at least one generation) outlook while making
short-term celebration decisions. Remind each other that it can
take four or more years after co-parent commitments and cohabiting for even "well-adjusted"
stepfamilies to stabilize their memberships, roles, and rules, and begin to
evolve new
Invest time doing (at
least)
together, and note
whether your true Selves
and other
subselves are guiding your
They'll resolve invitation (i.e.
family-membership) dilemmas more effectively than other subselves. If they're
not guiding, you have more important problems than invitations!
Clarify your long-term
and family
and refresh your strategies to handle
and
and
associated relationship
These stressors are inevitable in
planning and participating in stepfamily
gatherings!
Option: when
confused and/or in an
-
choose a
full-generation (vs. short-term) view,
-
except in emergencies, intentionally put your personal
and
first, your
primary-partnerships second, and all else third - to protect you all and
your descendents from potential re/divorce trauma. Then...
-
explain
this scheme to anybody who doesn't understand your priorities, and expect them
to be unable to relate. If so, use wise guidelines like
Options:
(a) family adults invest time in drawing
and discussing your multi-generation
(stepfamily
diagram). Use the drawing process and completed diagram as
guides to help you decide whom to invite and why; (b) show your
diagram to other
family members at your next family gathering for their awareness, reactions,
and feedback.
Make or review your Bills of Personal
Rights. Then clarify
honestly whom you want to invite for pleasure, and who you feel you have to invite
because of duty + guilt +
anxiety. The latter are symptoms of your
and their devoted
subselves.
Review and discuss these common
stepfamily myths and
realities to minimize the chance
you have unrealistic expectations about your gathering;
With major uncertainties or conflicts,
together to see who
really
from whom. Be gentle
and patient with you all as you do...;
Let other family members be
responsible for their own comfort levels and needs, and if you're unsure about
invitations, ask what they need about inclusion, keeping in mind who the
celebration is for. Accept that you may not be able to fill everyone's
needs well enough, and use these timeless
and...
Read and discuss these articles on
holidays and stepfamily
weddings for more
perspective and ideas.
top
Q8)
How can new
step-relatives handle significant racial, religious, or ethnic differences?
Such differences are more common in
average stepfamilies than typical biofamilies because typical American
stepfamily mates are less likely to commit to "their own kind"
than first-marriers. Biases
manifest as...
-
c/overt
disinterest,
-
from
and/or "coldness" in family
gatherings and contacts, and/or...
-
bigoted comments or inferences about
"those (inferior) people."
Until adults (a) admit (vs. deny
or ignore) any significant prejudices within their stepfamily and (b) set
and enforce appropriate boundaries, biased attitudes will promote
interactive
and
conflicts and relationship
which will lower their stepfamily's
The
first step is for co-parents and/or other relatives to honestly admit that
some members bear significant
prejudices that hinder their stepfamily's
and healthy
development. Popular
alternatives are
to deny, minimize, take sides, analyze, rationalize, apologize, justify,
enable, and/or criticize the biased members. Because they don't touch
primary problems, these reactions relentlessly make the web of primary and secondary
problems worse, over time.
The best
next step is to assure that your
are leading your
and then empathically
the prejudiced members (and all of
you) for significant false-self dominance and other
In my
experience, most "bigots" are
and
of agonizing
childhoods.
Blaming,
arguing with, avoiding, and/or reviling them can never validate or heal their
wounds, and will usually increase secondary family stressors like
polarizations (us vs. them), communication
incomplete
or blocked
and relationship
If your prejudiced relative/s seem to
be significantly wounded, look first to
your own wounds. Then read
and tailor these Solutions articles on
key attitudes,
wounded adults, and responding to racial or ethnic
prejudices for perspective and
options. If your relative/s hold biases about
religion and/or
same-gender partners, follow the links
and discuss and apply what you find. Also review these ideas about relatives' choosing family
favorites.
top
Q9)
I'm confused about
names and titles in
our new stepfamily. Are there any norms or guidelines?
Two of many
differences between typical
intact biofamilies and multi-home stepfamilies
are
over...
-
first and last
names ("Our
stepsisters are both named Anne," or "My son and your ex are both Robert,");
and...
-
family
("Are you 'my stepmom,' or 'Donna,' or 'Dad's new wife'?")
A major mistake that some well-meaning
step-adults who deny or ignore their
make is to expect everyone
to use biofamily name and title conventions ("We don't use 'step' here."
/
"No, Marie's not your step-grandmother, she's your Nana.")
Doing this promotes unrealistic (biofamily-based) expectations.
Options for avoiding and reducing
normal name-confusions:
Help all your adults and kids accept
your
as a normal multi-home
stepfamily, and learn what that
Option: as a group exercise, have everyone
draw a map or
of your stepfamily, and use it
to clarify memberships, roles, relationships, and names. Expect some people to
others, and see what that feels
like...
Accept that
biofamily naming-conventions may not apply. Where there's confusion,
ask each person what they would
like to be called, rather than dictate a name. ("We'll call you 'little
Jack.'"). If this creates conflicts,
to uncover who
really needs what - if your
are
your
Be
sensitive
to how children may
feel if their Mom takes their stepfather's last name. Kids may feel
abandoned, victimized, confused about their identity, and resentful that their
Mom now has the same last name as their stepsiblings (if true).
If everyone's
pretending to be "just a (bio)family," kids feeling these things are apt to
privately feel "weird" and
The Web address of this
three-page article is http://sfhelp.org/qa/kin-q.htm