Investing in these practical guidebooks can
help reduce these four problems. So can studying this slide presentation
and these stepfamily Q&A items.
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Q10) Is there a
best way for stepfamily mates to manage their money?
Yes - I believe the best
strategy is one
which consistently meets their respective (a)
and
(b) key
and co-parental needs. Each mate will have a
unique mix of needs which will vary over time. Can you name your sets of needs
(discomforts) yet?
Three money-management options that most stepfamily mates choose
from are...
common ("ours") checking, savings,
and investment accounts;
yours and mine accounts;
or...
yours, mine, and ours. Each
has pros and cons. Which option is best for you two will depend on many unique
factors that are beyond summarizing here. You may
experiment over time to see which option promotes the most personal,
marital, and
household harmony (satisfies everyone's needs) for you all.
Whichever option fits you best, the real keys here are...
-
each of
you being able to define clearly (a) what you
about managing your
assets and debts,
and (b) how you
these needs;
-
being able to
your needs effectively, and...
-
each of you feeling
clearly by your partner, and...
-
the two of you being able to
any differences effectively as
mutually-respectful partners, vs. opponents.
To do this, you'll probably each need to be able to answer
questions 1-8 well enough. Take your time, and help each other learn and apply
these ideas. Then teach your kids and other key people what you learn,
including ex mates!
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Q11) Should stepparents and
step-grandparents include stepkids and step-grandkids in their wills and estate plans?
Including someone in a will or trust, and
how much money or
value you bequeath, publicly demonstrates how you rank that person
with other beneficiaries. You can include stepkids and
stepgrandkids in your will from a mix of duty (obligation) and
("I should..."),
and/or
from genuine affection or love and concern for them.
Whether to include stepkids, and how much to
bequeath compared to biokids and biograndkids, will depend on your
values, assets, debts, psychological bonds, and priorities.
Focusing only on dollars and "fairness" risks causing
major
and
relationship
("hurt feelings") in relatives
who feel discounted and excluded. The emotional impact of
inclusion/exclusion decisions on your stepfamily relationships and
can't be
measured in dollars.
Because stepfamily systems are so psychologically,
structurally, and dynamically complex, one way to
answer multi-level questions like bequests is to say "Where no clear
resolution appears, put...
Then explain and discuss this
scheme honestly with all concerned. The long-term value of the
scheme is that it helps to protect all family members from the great trauma and
loss of potential psychological and legal (re)divorce.
Adults who (a) reject your
as a multi-home stepfamily, and/or (b) reject some children or adults as
full stepfamily
are most apt to have major
values and
loyalty conflicts over who to include in
estate plans, and to what extent. The risk of conflict is higher if the adults
(a) hold toxic attitudes, are (b) ruled by
and
(c) aren't fluent yet in the seven
effective-communication
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Q13) How can we
pick an effective stepfamily financial advisor?
Income, expenses, assets, debts, and
financial security can be major sources of conflict in any family. This is specially true for average multi-home
families and
If your co-parents decide to ask for expert
advice on investments, wills, debt-restructuring and management, insurance,
and tax obligations, use criteria like these to select the most effective
advisors: the person should...
-
be licensed and
experienced in the relevant area of financial expertise, and...
-
s/he should have
significant experience in
working with typical divorcing and remarried clients, and...
-
s/he should have a basic understanding of
typical surface and primary stepfamily
stressors; and...
-
s/he should be proactive in alerting you
co-parents to these stressors if you're not aware of them, and....
-
s/he should want to know your personal and
marital or family
and...
-
s/he should invite you to identify the best
short and long-term financial decisions in case you mates re/divorce.
At
the least, a candidate advisor should be able to accurately describe (a) the five
common re/marital
(b) what it
to be a stepfamily, (c) who
to a typical stepfamily, (d) how to
handle typical conflicts over values and
loyalties, and (e) how to avoid and resolve,
relationship triangles.
The best candidate
will also have some knowledge of the legal rights of stepparents and
stepkids in your state, and/or s/he should be able to refer you to a family-law
attorney who knows about these rights. For more perspective on choosing an
effective family financial advisor, see this
and this.
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Q14)
How can we
resolve our major stepfamily arguments over financial "fairness"?
Arguing over financial (or any) fairness in typical divorcing
families and stepfamilies is usually a special kind of
values and
loyalty conflict. Such arguments often bloom
when people unrealistically expect these families to behave like (ideal)
intact biofamilies.
Try
defining "fairness" out loud now, as to a young child. Would you agree that
whatever the surface issue ("My stepparent gives her son real expensive
gifts, and gives me just cheap stuff."),
fairness is usually about perceived
personal respect and
priority?
An
inescapable reality in typical stepfamilies is that despite vows not to play
favorites, many bioparents instinctively care more
for their own children and grandkids than for their stepchildren and
stepgrandkids. There are many exceptions. Another reality is that the bonds
between pairs of stepfamily adults - including ex mates and their families -
vary from dislike to "polite disinterest" to deep affection and
respect to love.
These
realities suggest that most fairness disputes can be best handled
by...
-
all people accepting their stepfamily
and what it
-
adults check for unrealistic stepfamily
expectations, and adjust as needed;
-
avoid lose-lose debates about what's "fair"
and what isn't fair in local situations. Instead...
-
use
and
skills to identify what the
are that cause "fairness" conflicts;
-
use all seven communication
as teammates to evolve effective strategies to spot and resolve values
and loyalty conflicts and associated relationship
triangles; and..
-
help each other avoid or reduce any
unwarranted
about feeling or acting "unfair" in stepfamily (and other) situations.
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Q15)
Are there any "money"
books written
for co-parents
like us?
The only one I know is
Money Advice for Your Successful Remarriage
- Handling Delicate Financial Issues With Love and Understanding; by Patricia
Schiff Estess. Patricia
is the remarried founding
editor of Sylvia Porter's Personal Finance Magazine, and a former Board member of
the (now disbanded) Step-family Association of America. There may be other books that I'm not
aware of - search the Web.
While expert at financial topics, I suspect Patricia is not fully informed
on these Q&A topics - specially the five
Her book is useful anyway.
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