Q1)
Are
there
sexual "problems" in
typical stepfamilies that intact-biofamily members
don't encounter?
Yes. In addition to
impotence, low desire, premature ejaculation, frigidity, vaginismis,
sexual addiction, forced sex, and ineffective sexual communication
and problem-solving...
-
The incest
taboo in average stepfamilies is weaker than typical
biofamilies, so there can be significant one-way or mutual
sexual attraction between stepsiblings, and a stepchild
and stepparent or other relative.
-
Research suggests that the
odds of child
sexual abuse are higher in U.S.
stepfamilies than biofamilies;
-
Ex mates can feel, and may
act on, significant sexual attraction.
This usually promotes significant
and interpersonal stepfamily conflict.
-
Typical multi-home
stepfamilies have more people, relationships,
adjustment tasks, and chances for significant conflict than
intact biofamilies. These combine to make it harder for
mates to find or make adequate undistracted
couple-time to enjoy
intimacy.
-
The odds for adult sexual
dysfunction may be higher in typical stepfamily re/marriages
than first marriages because a higher percentage of co-parents
seem to come from
childhoods, which may include sexual trauma; and...
-
Finding
competent professional help may be harder, because few
professional sex therapists have meaningful training in
stepfamily stresses that can hinder sexual harmony.
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Q2)
What is
sexual abuse?
What if any
of our co-parents was, or may have been, sexually
molested as a child?
Abuse
is an
emotionally-provocative word which is often misused
by lay
people and some mental-health professionals. Unless three conditions
are clearly present,
aggression is more accurate and less
inflammatory.
Sexual abuse occurs when someone...
-
intentionally satisfies their
sensual/sexual needs with an unwilling or unaware, defenseless
person...
-
in a way that significantly harms
that person physically, mentally, psychologically, and/or
in someone's opinion; and...
-
the victim cannot
(vs. will not) flee or defend themselves against this trauma.
Sexual molestation is
abuse that involves skin contact; other sexual abuse may not.
For example, forcing or encouraging a child to watch or hear sexual
acts, shaming or punishing them for normal sexual curiosity, adults
openly exposing or playing with genitals, providing misleading or no
sexual information and guidance, and verbally overfocusing on sexual
things in everyday life can be sexually abusive.
Childhood sexual
trauma
-
e.g. genital injuries, or terrifying a vulnerable child that they'll
"burn in Hell forever" or "go blind" for innocent sexual curiosity
or sensual gratification - is not necessarily sexual abuse.
If any of your co-parents were, or may have been, sexually
abused as a child, and...
-
they got no competent professional help
to heal the resulting psycho-spiritual trauma, it's very likely...
-
they came from a
childhood, and...
-
are unaware of major
and their
One consequence is the risk of unintentionally promoting sexual
trauma and/or blocking healthy sexual awareness and judgment in a
dependent child - unless another caregiver prevents that.
I recommend assessing
for ancestral sexual trauma or abuse as part of your checking for
false-self wounding (co-parent
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Q3)
What is
sexual addiction?
If a family
member seems to be sexually addicted, what are our
options?
An addiction
is a (a) progressive,
(b) toxic, (c) uncontrollable compulsion or obsession which
temporarily numbs, reduces, or deflects from intolerable
excessive shame, guilt, fear, hurt, confusion, and despair. True addictions amplify themselves, because they
relentlessly
increase the shame, guilt, frustration, and anxiety
the addict is trying to escape.
Toxic means "significantly hindering healthy physical,
psychological,
and mental functioning, in a knowledgeable, objective observer's
opinion." Uncontrollable
means logic, prayer, and willpower alone will rarely control
(halt) the
addiction, because they don't reduce the inner pain that causes it.
A
compulsion involves physical action (e.g. voyeurism,
hand-washing, masturbation, gambling, Web surfing),
and an obsession is only
mental (e.g. sexual or other fantasies). Because social environments
influence inner pain (and vice versa),
most
knowledgeable mental-health professionals now
view any addiction as a
problem vs. a personal
one.
Often the mate of an addict becomes obsessed with
on) their partner's behavior and
welfare because of her or his own inner wounds. This lowers the
family's
which promotes
false-self
development and
in dependent kids.
COSA
is a 12-step
support
program for partners of sex addicts.
Sexual addiction uses
sensual or sexual fantasies, arousal, and orgasm to temporarily
self-medicate against
inner pain. It may cause
injury to one's self (physical abuse) or to a
defenseless person. Each
of the
of addiction is a
strong sign of
and a low-nurturance
childhood.
Since 1935, the 12-step
Alcoholics Anonymous philosophy and programs have helped
millions of people around the world control (vs. cure)
addictions.
These programs don't yet
acknowledge the underlying false-self wounds and personality chaos
that cause addictions, so classic 12-step recovery often
stops short of full
Evidence: typical addicts have to keep attending 12-step meetings and
diligently working their "program" (i.e. new philosophy) to prevent
relapsing (resuming addictive attitudes and behaviors)
In recent generations, several different 12-step programs
have evolved to help sex-addicts control their compulsion/s: Sex
Addicts Anonymous (SAA), Sex and Love Addicts
Anonymous
(SLAA), and
Sexaholics Anonymous
(SA). They differ in some beliefs
(moderate to rigid) and recovery priorities.
Sexual addiction's prevalence has justified The National Council on
Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity (NCSAC). There are many
helpful sites now on the Internet - search on "sex addicts" or
"sexual addiction."
If you, your mate, or an
ex mate are
addicted to anything (i.e. self-medicating intolerable inner pain), follow the links for more perspective,
options, and resources. The principles in those linked articles also
apply to addicted relatives and kids. Help each other to stay aware:
any past or present addiction is a
family problem!
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Q4)
What is
incest? What is
stepfamily
incest?
Like rape, abuse, illegitimate,
abortion, and
addiction,
incest is an
emotionally-explosive concept and word - so it's important to know
what it means, and to use it appropriately.
Traditionally, incest refers to sexual intercourse between genetically-related people
like biosiblings or a child and an adult relative.
Tradition across ages and
cultures consistently has caused social prohibition (taboo)
of such intercourse, because it promotes genetically-damaged
children and related social problems. People who grow up together
seem to automatically have little sexual interest in each other, or
at least curbed desire. Since steppeople usually don't grow
up together, they may be less sexually inhibited than members of
healthy biofamilies.
Some people use incest to mean intercourse between any
unmarried people, or any adult and child. Whether sexual intercourse
between stepsiblings or a step-adult and stepchild is incest
or not is a debatable surface issue.
In the context of this Website,
the real
issues are...
-
_ who uses the term
"incest," _ why, and _
what effect thinking or speaking the term has on family
relationships and
and...
-
if there is
toxic (wound-promoting) sexual behavior in a
-
what is it,
specifically;
-
what (vs. who) causes it,
-
how are
family members reacting to it, and...
-
what does each affected
person need for
and balance?
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Q5)
What if
stepsiblings are
sexually attracted to each other?
The odds of sexual attraction and behavior between
average stepsiblings are probably higher than in intact biofamilies
- specially with stepteens - because the
incest taboo
is weaker (See Q4 above). Co-parents and relatives in new stepfamilies can be extra
sensitive and reactive to alleged or observed sexual behavior
between stepsibs ("Your son spied on my daughter as she was dressing
- he's a pervert!") Hormones and natural sexual responses ignore
social conventions like "step-" prefixes. See and discuss this
article
for more perspective and co-parent options.
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Q6)
What if
a stepchild and/or a stepparent
are sexually attracted to each other?
This is more
likely than between a bioparent and their child, because the
incest taboo is weaker in average stepfamilies.
If you suspect or confirm
such attraction in your stepfamily...
know that no one
is "bad" or "weird" for feeling attracted - they're
human; and...
accept that the real
issues are whether (a) the pair
acts sexually or not, and (b) whether all co-parents...
-
confront this
situation openly and
as
or...
-
react with mixes
of denial, pretense, minimizing, dishonesty,
procrastinating, blaming, attacking, punishing,
intellectualizing, or similar (false-self
behaviors +
communication).
If a bioparent is significantly uneasy (distrustful, guilty, hurt,
anxious) or jealous about the relationship between their new mate
and their child...
one or both adults are
probably controlled by
and don't know it or what to
and...
the couple is probably
experiencing some of these
communication
blocks, which hinder defining,
and enforcing healthy
boundaries; and...
the couple may have
sexual dissatisfactions or other
that they're
avoiding (a false-self symptom); and/or...
the couple has no viable
strategy yet to identify and resolve
and relationship
and...
underneath all of these, it's
possible that one or both partners re/married the wrong
for the wrong
at the wrong
Because these are
multi-level issues and often occur concurrently and interact with
each other, consider using qualified
to sort, rank, and reduce these stressors a few at a time. Include
confronting and accepting the last one (if true), grieving the
it represents, and evaluating
options and next steps.
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Q7)
One or
both ex mates in our (step)family still feel major
sexual attraction for
each other, and that's causing major tension. What can we do?
Separation and divorce don't necessarily quench ex mates' sexual
desire for each other - specially if one partner wants to
reconcile. If a stepparent perceives excessive sensual or sexual
behavior (touching, innuendos, flirting) between her or his spouse
and their ex - or if the ex mates act sexually together - the new
couple has a major relationship problem. The behaviors are the surface
symptom of primary stressors, like whether...
any of the three adults are
ruled by a
the stepparent is
what s/he needs, and
those needs effectively;
the stepparent's mate
has truly
the many
from his or her divorce/s;
the stepparent's partner
consistently ranks their re/marriage
than everything else
except her or his integrity and
the new mates can
effectively; and whether...
they each made three
Kids can mistake their
bioparents' sexual behaviors for "love," and
strengthen their hope for biofamily reunion. That can hinder
and bonding with their stepparent and any stepsiblings.
That
causes or amplifies
and relationship
which add re/marital
stress.
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Q8)
What if
I and/or my new partner had a
prior
Extra-marital sex suggests...
-
significant
in one or more of the three
adults involved, manifesting as poor judgment and impulse
control, and probably deception and excessive
and...
-
mates' inability to
(negotiate
effectively.
If you or your (new)
mate had one or more
affairs (extra-marital sex) before re/wedding, I urge you to evaluate
whether either of those stressors are present in your relationship
now - i.e. do co-parent
and
together!
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Q9)
Should a
bioparent express
physical affection
with a new partner in front of his or her minor children?
Young and grown kids seeing their mother or father embrace, fondle, or
kiss a stepparent at home or in public can cause significant
household and stepfamily stress. Key factors are whether...
a child has
their web of
from (a) biofamily breakup and (b) parental re/marriage and
cohabiting well enough;
a child's age, gender, and
comfort with his or her own sexuality;
a child or stepparent has
sexual interest in
each other;
a child feels safe to express
her or his feelings and opinions openly to their co-parents;
siblings, other relatives,
and/or key friends have major reactions ("Don't you feel
weird seeing your Mom kissing some strange guy?");
the child's parents' previous
attitudes (dis/approval) and behaviors about couples' publicly
expressing affection or desire for each other;
the co-parents are
empathically responsive to a child's reactions to public
displays of physical affection to each other; and whether...
either adult is ambivalent
about public displays, for a child will sense that discomfort
without understanding it, which may raise their own anxiety;
how long the stepfamily has
existed (psychologically, not legally), and...
how comfortable each child is
with their
other bioparent's reaction to the new couple and
stepparent. If a child senses their other parent and/or key
relative/s are
significantly upset about either of these, the child witnessing
public affection between new partners can trigger significant
This is specially
likely if the child is awakening to their own sexuality, and has normal excitement
and confusion about it.
True-Self
|
The Web address
of this two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/qa/sex-q.htm
Questions you
should ask about