s/he is probably a
based
of a
childhood, and doesn't know
that a
dominates him
or her, or
about
it; and/or...
s/he is
sexually
dissatisfied, and doesn't know a better way to get his or her needs met;
and/or...
s/he is
psychologically
and (her or his
uses
sexual stimulation (excite-ment) as a way of distracting from major
and needs to
this; and/or...
You two don't know how to
effectively yet, and need to
build Project 2
together. You may focus on the pornography and/or "lying" as the problem,
instead of
to
identify your primary unfilled needs - like
comfort,
trust,
empathic ac-ceptance, and mutual
respect; and/or...
The
you're responding to the covert pornography (e.g. scorn,
threats, blaming, lectur-ing, moralizing, punishing)
increases your partner's pain,
and makes it unsafe for him or her to identify and fill his or her primary needs;
and/or...
Your false selves are using "the pornography
problem" to avoid a deeper family-relation-ship problems - like
sexual abuse,
and/or one or both of you having made
up to three
Seek credible opinions on the difference
between normal age-appropriate sexual curiosity, and pathological use of
pornography. Also evaluate the child's level of sexual education, and
improve that as needed.
Note whether you respect the child's dignity despite her or his behavior
or not. A
attitude
(e.g. shaming the child) suggests
that a
may rule you,
which will surely
hinder effective
communication with everyone as you seek a solution.
Ensure that your
are guiding your
Then you
mates
care-fully to
identify the
of
(a) each adult involved, and (b) the child;
Check to see if long-term, each of you mates
currently
your
relationship above all other things except personal
and
If not,
you have deeper
relation-ship problems than child porn.
Check to see if you mates have effective
strategies to combat
and
conflicts and relationship
A child using pornography will surely trigger these in and
be-tween your family's homes.
Assess the child's status with normal
developmental needs and her
or his mix of any of these many family-adjustment needs. Use these as perspective with which to assess how you
adults want to co-parent here;
Clarify what a
sexual addiction is, as you
evaluate what the child's behavior may mean, and select your best responses to it;
Be alert for some family member/s being overly
concerned with
about "this por-nography problem." That may indicate a
based
rules their personali-ty, which will cause many secondary
problems. See
this, this, and
for ideas.
Check these communication
blocks and
tips to raise the odds you
adults are communi-cating
here. Help each other separate concurrent problems,
and focus on
one or two at a time.
If you
confront the child, use a
well-designed
and well-thought-out consequen-ces. Then enforce them respectfully
and promptly as needed. Stay aware - part of normal childhood is testing
family rules and limits to see what they can get away with (remember?)
If the child has other significant personal, school, or family problems,
him/her for psychological
and review
these options.
If you adults can't
agree on how to react to this situation, consider using
to sort the problems
out and evolve an effective united-front response.
See
this article for more perspective
and options.
Q10)
My partner and I can't resolve
significant conflicts over nudity and privacy in our home.
What can
we do?
Disputes over household nudity and privacy are probably symptoms (secondary problems). With your
true Selves
leading your
together
to unearth the
that need filling, and use
and
to help each other fill them, over time.
See these articles on
analyzing and
resolving most relationship
problems.
top
Q11)
Are
there
sexual "problems" in
typical stepfamilies that intact-biofamily members
don't encounter?
Yes. In addition to
impotence, low desire, premature ejaculation, frigidity, vaginismis,
sexual addic-tion, forced sex, and ineffective sexual communication
and problem-solving...
-
The incest
taboo in average stepfamilies is weaker than typical
biofamilies, so there can be significant one-way or mutual
sexual attraction between stepsiblings, and a stepchild
and stepparent or other relative.
-
Research suggests that the
odds of child
sexual abuse are higher in U.S.
stepfamilies than in in-tact biofamilies;
-
Ex mates can feel, and may
act on, significant sexual attraction.
This usually promotes significant
and interpersonal stepfamily conflict.
-
Typical multi-home
stepfamilies have more people, relationships,
adjustment tasks, and chances for significant conflict than
intact biofamilies. These combine to make it harder for
mates to find or make adequate undistracted
couple-time to enjoy
intimacy.
-
The odds for adult sexual
dysfunction may be higher in typical stepfamily unions
than first marri-ages because a higher percentage of co-parents
seem to come from
childhoods, which may include sexual trauma; and...
-
Finding
competent professional help may be harder, because few
professional sex therapists have meaningful training in
stepfamily stresses that can hinder sexual harmony.
top
Q12)
What is incest in a stepfamily?
Like rape, abuse, illegitimate,
abortion, and
addiction,
incest is an
emotionally-explosive concept and word - so it's important to know
what it means, and to use it appropriately.
Traditionally, incest refers to sexual intercourse between genetically-related people
like biosiblings or a child and an adult relative.
Tradition across ages and
cultures consistently has caused social prohibition (taboo)
of such inter-course, because it promotes genetically-damaged
children and related social problems. People who grow up together
seem to automatically have little sexual interest in each other, or
at least curbed desire. Since steppeople usually don't grow
up together, they may be less sexually inhibited than members of
healthy biofamilies.
Some people use incest to mean intercourse between any
unmarried people, or any adult and child. Whether sexual intercourse
between stepsiblings or a step-adult and stepchild is incest
or not is a deba-table surface issue.
In the context of this Website,
the real
issues are...
-
_ who uses the term
"incest," _ why, and _
what effect thinking or speaking the term has on family
relationships and
and...
-
if there is
toxic (wound-promoting) sexual behavior in a
-
what is it,
specifically;
-
what (vs. who) causes it,
-
how are
family members reacting to it, and...
-
what does each affected
person need for
and balance?
top
Q13)
What if
stepsiblings are
sexually attracted to each other?
The odds of sexual attraction and behavior between
average stepsiblings are probably higher than in intact biofamilies
- specially with stepteens - because the
incest taboo
is weaker (See Q12 above). Adults in new stepfamilies can be extra
sensitive and reactive to alleged or observed sexual behavior
between stepsibs ("Your son spied on my daughter as she was dressing
- he's a pervert!") Hormones and natural sexual responses ignore
social conventions like "step-" prefixes.
See and discuss this
article
for more perspective and options.
top
Q14)
What if
a stepchild and a stepparent
are sexually attracted to each other?
This is more
likely than between a bioparent and their child, because the
incest taboo is weaker in average stepfamilies.
If you suspect or confirm
such attraction in your stepfamily...
know that no one
is "bad" or "weird" for feeling attracted - they're
human; and...
accept that the real
issues are whether (a) the pair
acts sexually or not, and (b) whether all co-parents...
-
confront this
situation openly and
as
or...
-
react with mixes
of denial, pretense, minimizing, dishonesty,
procrastinating, blaming, attacking, punishing,
intellectualizing, or similar (false-self
behaviors +
communication).
If a bioparent is significantly uneasy (distrustful, guilty, hurt,
anxious) or jealous about the relationship between their new mate
and their child...
one or both adults are
probably controlled by
and don't know it or what to
and...
the couple is probably
experiencing some of these
communication
blocks, which hinder defining,
and enforcing healthy
boundaries; and...
the couple may have
sexual dissatisfactions or other
that they're
avoiding (a false-self symptom); and/or...
the couple has no viable
strategy yet to identify and resolve
and relationship
and...
underneath all of these, it's
possible that one or both partners re/married the wrong
for the wrong
at the wrong
Because these are
multi-level issues and often occur concurrently and interact with
each other, consider using qualified
to sort, rank, and reduce these stressors a few at a time. Include
confronting and accepting the last one (if true), grieving the
it represents, and evaluating
options and next steps.
top
Q15)
One or
both ex mates in our (step)family still feel major sexual attraction for
each other, and that's causing major tension.
What can we do?
Separation and divorce don't necessarily quench ex mates' sexual
desire for each other - specially if one partner wants to
reconcile. If a stepparent perceives excessive sensual or sexual
behavior (touching, innuendos, flirting) between her or his spouse
and their ex - or if the ex mates act sexually together - the new
couple has a major relationship problem. The behaviors are the surface
symptom of primary stres-sors, like whether...
any of the three adults are
ruled by a
the stepparent is
what s/he needs, and
those needs effectively;
the stepparent's mate has
adequately
the many
from
their divorce/s;
the stepparent's partner
consistently ranks their re/marriage
than everything else
except her or his
and
the new mates can
effectively; and whether...
they each made three
Kids can mistake their
bioparents' sexual behaviors for "love," and
strengthen their hope for biofamily reunion. That can hinder
and bonding with their stepparent and any stepsib-lings.
That
causes or amplifies
and relationship
which add re/marital
stress.
top
Q16)
Should a
bioparent express
physical affection
with a new partner in front of his or her minor children?
Young and grown kids seeing their mother or father embrace, fondle, or
kiss a stepparent at home or in public can cause significant
household and stepfamily stress. Key factors are whether...
a child has
their web of
from (a) biofamily breakup and (b) parental re/mar-riage and
cohabiting well enough;
a child's age, gender, and
comfort with his or her own sexuality;
a child or stepparent has
sexual interest in
each other;
a child feels safe to express
her or his feelings and opinions openly to their co-parents;
siblings, other relatives,
and/or key friends have major reactions ("Don't you feel
weird seeing your Mom kissing some strange guy?");
the child's parents' previous
attitudes (dis/approval) and behaviors about couples' publicly
expressing affection or desire for each other;
the co-parents are
empathically responsive to a child's reactions to public
displays of physical affection to each other; and whether...
either adult is ambivalent
about public displays, for a child will sense that discomfort
without understanding it, which may raise their own anxiety;
how long the stepfamily has
existed (psychologically, not legally), and...
how comfortable each child is
with their
other bioparent's reaction to the new couple and
stepparent. If a child senses their other parent and/or key
relative/s are
significantly upset about either of these, the child witnessing
public affection between new partners can trigger significant
This is specially
likely if the child is awakening to their own sexuality, and has normal excitement
and confusion about it.
True-Self
(empathy), and
are key to showing kids how loving partners express their feelings
to each other in public. Options:
The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/qa/sex-q.htm