Co-parents commit steady effort to keeping
their
in
of their
as they work at all 11
ongoing co-parent
Admit and discuss this "dislike"
stressor without blame or guilt, vs. denying, avoiding, pretending, or minimizing it;
Ask each child respectfully what s/he
feels and needs, and
then...
together as partners
to clarify the unmet
causing this stepsibling "dislike" - e.g.
Decide who
owns this problem - i.e. who's needs
aren't filled well enough yet?
Other options include...
Helping each other stay aware of what
effect this stepsibling "dislike" is having on (a) co-parent self-respect and
(b)
and (c)
and doing appropriate
win-win
together;
Checking to make sure that each child
has realistic
expectations about themselves, each other, and their stepfamily
Checking to see if adults are building a
home and stepfamily environment,
and whether either child is
in grieving their sets of major
(see
Checking to see if the "dislike" is a
symptom of an unresolved
and/or associated
relationship
If so, taking responsibility for resolving these; and...
Deciding honestly if this problem
warrants using qualified
Q5) What if stepsiblings feel
sexual attraction for each
other?
This is normal. The odds of sexual attraction and action between
average stepsiblings can be higher than in intact biofamilies -
specially with stepteens - because the incest taboo
is significantly weaker. Co-parents and relatives in new stepfamilies can be extra sensitive
and reactive to alleged or observed sexual behavior between stepsibs ("Your
perverted son spied on my daughter as she was dressing!")
Hormones and primal sexual responses ("human nature") transcend traditional biofamily sexual
conventions.
See and discuss this article
for more perspective and co-parent options.
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Q6) What is a
half-brother or half sister?
A half brother
or half sister has one
only one bioparent in common with their siblings.
This can occur when a re/married parent conceives an
"ours" child (vs. "his" or "hers") with her
new mate. Half of such children's genes are the same as their older brothers,
or sisters, and half are different.
Unless stepkids have been legally
adopted, half-sibling's
last names differ from the
other child/ren, which can be confusing in school and social
situations. So can this: if they live with their bioparents,
half-siblings
are not stepchildren, though their mom and/or dad may also have the
role of stepparent.
If co-parents or relatives aren't clear on these things, everyone can feel
confused or conflictual on their stepfamily's - or the half-sibling's -
and family
("You're not a
real sister, you're only a half sister.") This can promote jealousy,
insecurity, hurt, competition, and significant
and relationship
- specially if
co-parents (a) disagree on what's true here and/or who's "right;" and/or
(b) they don't know how to
communicate
For more perspective, see this article.
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Q7) What special
needs do typical
half-siblings have, and how can co-parents best
help with
them?
Typical minor
half-sisters and half-brothers have the same
developmental needs as any other child. They also may need
empathic help from informed co-parents in filling special needs like these:
resolve confusion over what a
stepfamily, a stepparent, and a stepsibling is,
and how their parents' older child/ren be stepchildren when they
aren't - even though their siblings may live in the same home;
learn
(a) who
to
their
and
families and who doesn't, (b) who
decides who belongs, and (c) why their answers to those questions
may differ from
their siblings';
accept that being a "half"
does not mean they are somehow less loved, wanted, worthy, smart,
normal, or valuable than "full" siblings, despite some other people implying
or saying that it does. It means that they're living with both
biological parents, and that they don't have a stepparent.
resolve possible confusion
over last names ("How come my last name is Jackson, and my (half)sister's
name is Fairchild?")
And typical "ours children" need
informed co-parental help with...
deciding what to call each
sibling - e.g. "my brother," "my half-brother," "Jeremy," "My Mom's other son," or
something else, and why names are important
to some family members and not to others ("I don't care what you call me.") Each
stepfamily adult and other child needs to make the same
decision; and help with...
learning how to deal with
possible jealousy and
resentment that they get to live with
both bioparents when their half-siblings don't. When this occurs, it's often
at least partly caused by the resentful child not having
their key
(broken bonds) from parental divorce,
death, and re/marriage. And some half-sibs may need help...
learning how to respond to
(or not make) taunts like "You're not my real brother (sister),
you're just a half brother (sister) (so you're not as good as me, and you don't
rate the same privileges)!"; and also...
learning
(a) that their
half-siblings' "other parent" is not their biological
parent too, and (b) what that difference means -
e.g. learn that it's OK if they don't
know or care about their half-sibling's "other Mom" or Dad, and don't "have
to" acknowledge them at holidays or birthdays, or expect acknowledgement from
them; and...
learning
(a) what "child custody," "visitation," "(financial)
support", and
are, (b) why they're a big deal to some
other family members, and (c) how to react when sibs and relatives get into "fights" (
and
conflicts, and
relationship
over them;
and...
learning how keep their
boundaries clear and to
their needs if a co-parent treats or
disciplines them differently than a
resident or visiting half-brother or sister (e.g. their Mom hugs them, but not
their half-sibling); and...
growing compassion for
their half-sibling's many alien
family-adjustment needs, which they don't have, and may not understand;
and they need adult help...
learning why some
(genetic) relatives may treat them "better" than their half-siblings, and
how not to feel
about that;
clarifying what will change
(like last names and parental rights and responsibilities)
and what will not
(genetic inheritances), if one of their co-parents legally
adopts one or more half-siblings. And
some kids need help with...
learning
(a) why their
schoolmates and neighbors may not understand or validate these many special
needs; and (b) how to react to that; and...
learning (a) why some or all of
their other family members are confused about and/or disagree on these issues,
and (b) that it's OK to say how this makes them (the child) feel ("I wish you
guys would stop fighting all the time!");
How many of these common
"half-sibling" needs were you aware of before you read this?
How many of them do you think an average child and adult family member or supporter (friends, teachers, counselors, clergy)
could describe? What does such
mean in and between your
stepfamily homes? Do your co-parents need to do something about this? If so,
(a) what needs to be done, (b) why, and (c) who's responsible for acting?
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The
Web address of this two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/qa/siblings-q.htm