The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/qa/stepfamily-q.htm
Links in this article and series will open a new browser window or an
informational popup - so please turn
off your browser's popup blocker, or accept popups from this nonprofit Web
site.
These stepfamily questions and brief answers are part of a
series aimed at increasing adults' awareness of vital personal,
relationship, and family topics. The series exists because a most average
women and men (like you) don't know what they need to know, despite
formal education and life experience. To validate this premise, try these
|
Based on my clinical research since 1979, This
article proposes key questions about stepfami-lies that average
co-parents (stepparents and bioparents) and their
supporters need to research. |
Misunderstanding what a "stepfamily" is, and not knowing what that identity
can promote
unwise
and
major
after
exchanging vows.
and
in this
divorce-prevention Web site aim to help stepfamily adults
and supporters...
-
clarify and accept their stepfamily
and learn what it
means;
-
change common stepfamily
myths into realistic
and
relationship expectations, and...
-
avoid and permanently resolve divisive family
(inclusion/exclusion),
and
conflicts
and associated relationship
In what follows, co-parent means any bioparent or
stepparent in a stepfamily. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce here
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union.
The related
guidebooks
Stepfamily Courtship
and
Build a High-nurturance Stepfamily (Xlibris.com) provide
practical answers to the questions below,
and more.
+ + +
To
get the most from reading these Q&A items...
-
see if your
is
your
If not, try to
it up, or expect your well-meaning
to distort or forget what you learn here.
-
choose a long-range view (e.g. the next 25-30 years), and the unbiased
curiosity of a student;
-
review these slide presentations on
stepfamily and
stepparenting basics, and...
-
these summaries of key stepfamily
facts and U.S. stepfamily
statistics (in a
different nonprofit Web site); and...
-
study this partial
of a real stepfamily, and consider mapping
yours; and...
-
read
this vignette of a real stepfamily, and..
-
expect to spend days or weeks fully exploring the ideas summarized here
and in the linked articles.
If you're a media professional, please see
this.
Before continuing,
pause, breathe, and reflect... why are you reading this -
what do you
Questions you
should ask about
stepfamilies
1) What is a
stepfamily? What is a
2) Is it OK to call a
stepfamily a "blended family" or
some other non-step label?
3) How are typical stepfamilies
like (intact) biofamilies?
4)
How are they
different, and what do these differences
mean?
5)
What are the
advantages of being
in a (high-nurturance) stepfamily?
6)
Are typical stepfamilies "as good as" intact
biofamilies?
7)
Why is it vital that (a) members accept their
as a stepfamily (vs. "We're just a
family"), and learn what that identity usually
and (b) how
can you tell if someone has accepted their step-identity?
8) What are the most common
myths about typical
stepfamilies, and what are the realities?
9)
Who belongs to a
multi-home
10) If a divorcing parent re/marries,
is their ex mate a member of their stepfamily?
11)
What
are the most common stepfamily
and problems?
12)
What should we know about
stepfamilies before we commit to forming or joining one?
13)
Are there different
kinds of
stepfamilies?
14)
Do most clergy, counselors,
lawyers, and educators get stepfamily training?
How can we pick an effective stepfamily coach or
counselor?
15) What are
and
loyalty
conflicts and relationship
how do they
relate to each other, and why are they important
in typical stepfamilies?
16) How can we
discern credible, practical stepfamily advice
and publications, and what stepfamily
books and other
resources do you recommend?
17) Are we still a stepfamily
if...
-
the youngest stepchild moves out?
Yes.
-
a stepchild's other bioparent
is dead? Yes.
-
I legally
adopt my partner's child/ren?
Yes.
-
both remarried partners
have prior children? Yes.
-
a stepparent and their mate
conceive a child together?
Yes.
-
all our prior kids are
adults?
Yes.
-
some authority disputes these
answers? Yes.
If
you don't see your question here, please
ask!
|
Pause and reflect - how many typical
courting American co-parents do you think would seriously
research questions like these (and the
others in this Q&A series) before making long-term
stepfamily commitments? My experience since 1979 is - under
10%. The companion
question is -
do so many authors estimate that 60% or more of typical US
stepfamily mates re/divorce legally? |
Q1) What is a
stepfamily? What is a
nuclear stepfamily?
A family may be defined as
"two or more people sharing common bonds, goals, interests, and perhaps genes
and ancestries." A biofamily is two or more adults and/or
kids who share common genes, (usually) last names, (usually) dwellings, and
ancestries.
A stepfamily is an ancient kind of
normal social group in which one adult mate nurtures one or more kids her or his
partner conceived with another person. The titles for their reciprocal family
are stepparent and
stepchild. The prefix "step-"
comes to us over 1,000 years from the middle-English root stoep-, which
meant "not related by blood (genes)."
Orphans and stepparents were common in (and long before) William the Conqueror's days because
of disease, ignorance, war, and unprotected intercourse. Stepfamilies have
probably been the global norm for thousands of years until
advances in medicine, law, sanitation, and political stability in the last several centuries.
From ancestral and social
stepfamilies in our Era are often viewed as nontraditional
and inferior. Because of this undeserved bias, many co-parents, kin, and
stepkids deny their stepfamily
causing
unrealistic expectations
and significant
See
Q2 below, and
family Projects 3, 4, 9, and 10 and these
guidebooks for more perspective on stepfamilies..
top
Q2) Is it OK to call a
stepfamily a "blended family" or
some other non-step label?
Many people associate the prefix "step-" with
inferior, weird, abnormal, failure, second
best, and unnatural. (Do you?) Our unaware
media encourages this.
To avoid these uncomfortable associations, lay and
professional people use "family" adjectives like bi-nuclear,
co-, blended, bonus, reconstituted, nontraditional, special, reconstructed,
second, rem(arried), and serial.
Note - technically, a
blended family is one in which each mate has kids from a prior union, so
each partner is a bioparent and a stepparent.
Thoughtlessly using
such "feel-good" labels - specially during courtship - risks...
spreading the toxic delusion that
stepfamilies and steppeople are abnormal, inferior, and deficient (i.e.
compared to intact biofamilies;
or muting stepfamily
uniquenesses,
and common
and...
co-parents and supporters using
and spreading unrealistic (biofamily) expectations
about stepfamily
norms,
dynamics,
and relationships;
making up to
unwise courtship
commitment-decisions; and...
reinforcing public and legislative
denial of the major social problems caused by (a) ignoring the toxic [wounds + unawareness]
and (b) implicitly condoning unqualified marriages and child conceptions.
These
factors combine to promote legal and psychological
and passing
wounds
on to the next generation. I have repeatedly observed that
avoiding "step-" titles and labels
usually indicates significant psychological
and harmful
and
ignorance.
top
Q3) How are typical stepfamilies
like (intact) biofamilies?
Just as males and females
are the same in some ways (e.g. they both have ears) and different in others,
typical
and intact biofamilies have
and
over 60 differences. If
stepfamily adults and supporters only focus on the similarities
- and/or don't learn the differences and what they
- they risk using inappropriate biofamily-based family
and relationship expectations as they
try to
their several
multi-generational biofamilies.
So co-parents
need to separate these similarities from the
many structural and
dynamic differences (Q4 below) about multi-home stepfamilies,
learn and apply realistic expectations,
and educate their kids, kin, and
supporters. Family
and
and their related guidebooks are designed to
help co-parents do this effectively.
top
Q4) How are
stepfamilies different, and what do these differences
mean?
Typical
stepfamilies differ from
average one-home intact biofamilies in two major ways. Can you name them?
-
Stepfamily
are "built" differently
than biofamilies in
~30 ways. These
structural differences and the unique way stepfamilies begin (after death
or divorce) also cause...
-
extra
developmental stages and up to 30
adjustment-task
differences. Can you name at least 10 of these tasks?
Co-parents who are aware of
most of these ~60 differences and what they
are most
likely to form and live by realistic expectations, and teach them to others.
That's why family
encourages co-parents to accept their stepfamily
and agree on
Family
focuses on learning
and discussing these similarities and differences, what it
means to be in a stepfamily, and
what
their adults and kids can expect as they
slowly
and stabilize their several biofamilies over four or more years after
committing and cohabiting.
Consider investing in the unique
guidebook
Stepfamily Courtship (Xlibris.com, 2002) for practical
information and suggestions on these vital Projects - before or after
exchanging vows.
top
Q5)
What are the
advantages of being
in a (high-nurturance) stepfamily?
Premises: all families exist
to nurture - i.e. to fill the
current and long-term primary
of their
kids
and adults.
("healthy" or "functional")
stepfamilies can fill their members'
current and long-term
just as well
as any healthy intact biofamily - e.g. the needs for a safe refuge, comforting, encouragement,
companionship, caring confrontation, affirmation, stimulation, appropriate hugs and
caresses, belonging (acceptance), laughter, and sometimes the need for
Because
typical U.S. stepfamilies are comprised of more people and cultures than
biofamilies, they potentially offer more of these priceless assets to each member -
specially compared to adults and kids living alone - e.g. after parent/mate death or divorce.
Childless stepparents have the chance to experience the stresses and rich
satisfactions of
childcare, and the chance to make a life-long difference. Bioparents of sons or
daughters may have a chance to co-parent stepdaughters or stepsons. The same
extends to co-grandparents. In a panel I moderated, a pre-teen stepchild
spontaneously said -"I feel real sorry for other (bio)kids. They only have
two parents, and I have four!"
An only-child may
gain stepsiblings or half siblings
(whom they may or may not treasure). Stepkids
have several
and everyone has a chance
to learn and experience different customs and family cultures.
Relatives may feel relief that single parents aren't alone any more, and have
new chances for happiness and security. Each stepfamily member may enjoy these
benefits or not, depending on many factors - like whether they
their prior
and were free to form new
Potential
benefits from living in a multi-home
stepfamily are great if all adults commit to
help each other overcome their common hazards and progress on their
What are the benefits of
living in your family, compared to living alone?
top
Q6) Are typical stepfamilies "as good as" intact
biofamilies?
What is a good apple tree? A good armadillo? A
good family? Premise: families exist to fill the
of their members, so
"good" (functional,
families
fill most members' needs well enough, most of the time.
From this view, "Are
stepfamilies as good as biofamilies?" really asks "Can typical stepfamilies
fill their members' needs as well as typical intact biofamilies?" There is no
inherent structural or social reason they can't. However, because of
widespread
of
and what to
about them,
many kids and adults don't
get their normal developmental and unique
adjustment needs met well enough in typical
stepfamilies.
Perspective: if it's true that
over half of U.S. first-marriages divorce psychologically
or legally, most biofamilies aren't "as good as" high-nurturance families of any sort. The
point is -
motivated co-parents in any family can learn to
and fill their
and their kids' needs well enough, often enough. Typical
and
co-parents
have more to learn and
do to accomplish that vital goal, over many
years. <
