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Q8)
How can co-parents best resolve
a stepchild's accusation of unfair or
mean discipline?
When a stepchild persistently accuses a
co-parent of "unfair" or "mean" discipline,
one or more of
these may be occurring:
the child is insecure, and is semi-consciously
testing to see who their bioparent (or someone else) supports. If the
child gets enough credible behavioral (vs. verbal) reassur-ance that s/he is still important
enough to her or his bioparent, the accusations should dwindle; and/or...
the stepparent is setting firmer
limits than
the child is used to, and the child is protesting the loss of some former
freedoms or permissions; and/or...
the
the stepparent is setting limits
[e.g. sarcastic,
over-explaining, blaming, comparing to another child
(shaming), threatening, lecturing, etc.] legitimately bothers the child, and
s/he cannot describe these irritants or what s/he needs; and/or...
the child feels the consequences of rule-breaking are too harsh; and/or...
the child hasn't
enough, so s/he hasn't
accepted that the stepparent has the
right to set family limits and enforce
consequences; and/or...
the stepparent has been too vague or ambiguous
in describing limits or consequences, so "unfair" means unclear;
and/or...
the child feels caught in
one or more
or relationship
and has no
concepts or words to describe that, or
what s/he needs; and/or...
the child feels bored, and likes generating
conflict (excitement) and feeling powerful, and/or...
the stepchild feels
by the stepparent (i.e.
disrespected
and frustrated); and/or...
a mix of these, or something else.
The
theme of all these is that "mean" or "unfair" discipline is
not the real issue, but the child can't -
or feels unsafe to - say what s/he really feels or needs.
See this for more perspective and options on resolving
this.
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Q9)
What is a "half brother" or "half
sister"? Are they a "stepchild"?
A half brother or half sister has the
same mother or father but a different father or mother than their siblings.
This can occur when a re/married parent conceives an
"ours" child (vs. "his" or "hers") with
a
new mate. Half of such children's genes are the same as their brothers'
or sisters', and half are different.
Unless stepkids have been legally
adopted, half-sibling's
last names differ from the
other child/ren, which can be confusing in school, church, and social
circumstances. So can this: if they live with their bioparents, half-siblings
are not stepchildren, though their mom and/or dad may also have the
role of stepparent to resident or visiting stepchildren.
If co-parents and/or relatives aren't clear on these ideas, everyone can feel
confused or conflictual on their stepfamily's - or the half-sibling's -
and family
("You're
not a real sister, you're only a half sister.") This can promote jealousy,
insecurity, hurt, competition, and significant
and relationship
- specially if
co-parents disagree on what's true here and/or who's "right;" and/or the
adults don't know how to
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Q10)
Do we need to know anything special
about stepsons vs. stepdaughters?
Co-parenting
may increase if all caregivers appreciate
at least three things about normal male-female
First, typical female brains are
neurologically "wired differently" than male brains.
They have different
and tend to process information organically (see all aspects at
once) rather than "logically" (see things sequentially). Typical female brains prize cooperation, relationships,
feelings, sensing, process, and emotional closeness, while average male brains
care more about logic, competing, action (aggres-sion), order, goals, and
achieving. There are many variations (!)
Second, in their interesting book "Brain Sex - The
Real Difference Between Men and Women" bio-geneticist Anne Moir and David Jessel make a convincing case
that depending on key factors, a male
child may keep his "female brain," or a baby girl may evolve a "male brain."
These may or may not affect the child's sexual preferences.
Co-parents who
don't accept this may cause frustration, anxiety, guilt, hurt, and anger by
expecting male behaviors from a boy with a "female brain," or female
behaviors from a girl with a "male brain." Since we aren't born with
brain-labels, co-parents are better off accepting each child for who they seem
to be, rather than trying to force gender-stereotypical behavior on them ["No,
Jerome, (normal) boys don't go to ballet class. Let's see about soccer."];
Third, typical girls mature faster than boys.
Co-parents who don't know or accept this can shame a stepson for "not
being (sensitive, polite, tactful, calm, or cooperative) like your (same-age)
sister."
In
some new stepfamilies, kids are suddenly confronted with living with an
opposite-gender sibling for the first time ("Yesterday, I had two sisters.
Then Mom got married again, so today I have this dorky stepbrother too!")
Such kids may need age-appropriate explanation about normal gender differences
to help them understand and accept each other's feelings, reactions, and
"weird" behaviors and traits.
These points suggest that effective
co-parents will help each other honor and adapt to the gender differences
in their kids, and not over-focus on role differences (stepson
vs. stepdaughter).
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Q11)
Can a stepchild's biofamily birth-order be significant
in their family roles and what
they need from other members?
Some family-life and child-development researchers believe that
parents should take
birth-order into account in raising each child - specially in nurturing
"problem children." See
Living In A Stepfamily Without Getting Stepped On -
Helping Your Children Survive the Birth-order Blender; by Dr. Kevin
Leman for helpful perspective and
recommendations.
Also
be aware that when co-parents each have prior kids and first move in together,
each resident or visiting child will experience a "rank" and identity change
("I've always been the oldest kid in out family. Now I have two older
stepbrothers, so all of a sudden I'm the youngest kid. This feels weird.")
Some children will be indifferent to this. Some will be pleased or relieved. Kids who use
their family rank to bolster their self esteem or security may be
significantly upset by
this rank-change. The latter will need encouragement to
their
as they
adjust to alien stepfamily life.
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Q12)
Can adult stepchildren cause co-parents
special problems?
older
re/marriers
can set themselves up for significant conflict and stress in
courtship by assuming "We'll
all come to feel like a regular (bio)family because our kids are grown
and independent." Usually that's only
half true. (The "/" in re/marry notes that it may be a stepparent's
first union.)
Older re/marriers are spared the confusion and
conflict associated with raising minor kids. Often, relations with ex mates
have mellowed or ended, and major disputes over finances, visitations,
custody, health, and education are muted or memories.
However, everyone's need to
many losses
(broken bonds), and the potential for stepfamily
and
financial conflicts is just as great as in
stepfamilies with younger kids. This
stress potential can be greatly reduced if co-parents start working diligently
at
together
well before deciding to exchange commitment vows.
Note also that...
-
the
conception of (step)grandchildren,
-
making or revising
legal wills, and/or...
-
the retirement,
disabling, or death of a bioparent, ex mate, or adult child (i.e.
...can
activate sets of these divisive stepfamily conflicts even if relations to date
have been cordial enough. This is specially likely if
changes like these are unforeseen or poorly
planned. See this
for more perspective on adult stepchildren.
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Q13) One of my stepkids has been
diagnosed as having Attention Deficit Disorder
and/or Hyperactivity Disorder (ADD / HD). What do
we adults need to know about this?
In my clinical experience since 1981,
ADD and HD seem to be unusually common in
typical U.S.
and stepfamilies. ADD is characterized
by a chronic difficulty in staying mentally focused, which usually (not always) manifests in
childhood.
Kids with HD frustrate adults and peers by being in constant
motion, despite (a) their setting (like a classroom, church, or dinner table); or
(b) adult limits and consequences ("I just can't help it, Mom!") The
combination of ADD + HD is specially stressful for the child and people around
them.
I'm
not medically trained, and can't evaluate whether these two common stressors
are primarily caused by unbalanced brain functioning or hormones. Often these
conditions do improve with appropriate medication and changes in the
child's social environments. That implies these are genetic or biological
problems. However, for over a decade, I've repeatedly seen that...
most (all?) ADD/HD kids are growing
up in significantly
families headed by
co-parents; and...
typical teachers, tutors, and
psychiatrists don't know this and what it
and...
adults who have trouble
staying focused or quiet are often controlled by a conflictual, chaotic
and don't
know it or what to
and...
such adults who work patiently at
their
to
harmonize and lead their team of
spontaneously report
improved concentration and focus, less "mind chatter, "nervousness," and
"jumpiness," and more frequent periods of physical and mental calmness.
Implication: if you have an ADD, HD, or ADD/HD child or adult in your
life, consider that chaotic
personality
and
(chaotic, stressful) family
environment may be promoting these conditions.
|
If so, prescription medication
only
treats the symptoms, not the causes. Chemicals may pro-mote a critic
self-concept ("I'm sick - I have a major disease and disability") and an expensive
life-long dependency which unintentionally blocks reduction of significant
psychological
|
Restated: ADD and/or HD in kids may be a symptom of
co-parents and
ruled by
rather than
a personal medical problem. From 12 years' study and
27 years' clinical experience,
I'm convinced that personality subselves regularly affect or control body
chemistry and function well below conscious awareness.
Research
confirms the reality of psychosomatic (psychologically-based) illness, but
clinical awareness of normal personality subselves and their
is just dawning.
Even fewer lay people know about it.
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Q14)
One of my / our stepkids seems
seriously depressed. What can we do to help?
Adult and child
depression
is widespread enough in our
society to justify a multi-million (billion?) dollar treatment, medication,
and advertising industry. Informed opinions range from believing clinical depression is purely biochemical to totally sociological
(environmental). From
my clinical experience with hundreds of average
families and
stepfamilies since 1981, I suggest that
excessive or prolonged...
-
apathy or listlessness;
-
sleeping or "lying around;"
-
social withdrawals;
-
repeated anger or weeping outbursts;
-
use
of repressive chemicals (like fat, sugar, nicotine, and alcohol); and/or...
-
disinterest in friends and
normal life activities and pleasures...
are often
signs of normal or
not depression. Note how different it
feels to say "My (step)child is mourning a complex web of major
losses from divorce (or
parent death)
and our forming a stepfamily," rather than "My (step)child is
seriously depressed."
To
make this more real and credible...
take this
good-grief quiz,
read and discuss these
co-parent
and
overviews, and then...
read this brief research summary
about "complicated grief;" and then
yourselves and your child for false-self
and an
home
and/or family
Then...
consider reducing or ending your
family member's dependence on mood-control or anti-depression medication, with
qualified medical supervision.
This mis-diagnosis idea also applies
labeling symptoms as manic
depression, mania, bi-polar disorder, ADD/HD, (some) sleep
disorders, "poor impulse control," Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), and similar
clinical "conditions."
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Q15) What is Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), and why
should co-parents and family supporters know about it?
RAD is a psychiatric label used primarily with
children who demonstrate a marked inability to form normal emotional
with safe, nurturing caregivers.
If not
recognized and treated effectively, this tragic condition can prevent forming genuine attachments with
some or all adults and children later in life.
Current evidence suggests
that RAD is a sign of profound trauma early in life, where the child did
not experience a reliable nurturing bond with one or more
caregivers - i.e. they survived severe abandon-ment,
or emotionally-unavailable
(wounded) caregivers, and other
trauma - i.e. they survived a very
environment.
|
My
consistent clinical experience with over 1,000 typical Midwestern-US co-parents since 1981 is
that a
high percentage of American
and stepfamily co-parents
low-nurturance (traumatic) childhoods, and choose each other as
despite painful
prior experien-ces with similar
people;
|
Premise - RAD is probably a symptom of a disorganized
ruled by
subselves who learned from experience that bonding with (interest in,
caring about, needing) another person always resulted in agony - e.g.
disappointment + rejection + abandonment + hurt + guilt + anxieties +
shame + rage + despair + injury + overwhelm.
To
survive a painful low-nurturance environment, young children automatically develop
and
subselves like
the a
(Magician),
and
Groups of these subselves activate any time someone offers
friendship, love, or intimacy. They
