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This is
one of a series of lesson-4 articles on how to optimize your relationships.
This article assumes you're familiar with...
The Surface Problem
...
Intimidation
means "to make timid (fearful)." It occurs when one person feels
significant anxiety about someone else's aggression ("I'll cause you discomfort!"),
stressful conflict, violence, and/or the
of some prize. Blackmail is a classic form of intimidation.
So are religious threats of "eternal damnation" and "burning in a lake
of fire."
Intimidation is usually not an isolated stressor, but one of a
web of surface and underlying problems, like aggression, hostility,
superiority, egotism, dislike, disrespect, and distrust. It often occurs
because the intimidator is (a) wounded and controlled by a
self-centered, insecure false self; and/or s/he (b) doesn't know how to
assert and negotiate needs respectfully.
I assume you're reading this because you or someone you care for
feel too intimidated by someone and you seek an effective way of
reacting to that. If so, the surface problem is your feeling intimidated
(scared), not the other person's threatening behavior.
How can you raise your self-confidence and stay grounded in the face of
intimidation?
Identify and Reduce the
Primary
Problems
Start by sorting out what you
and what you
can't:
|
I can affect or
change... |
I can't... |
-
who
my
personality
-
my perception of "the
problem"
-
my
attitude and behavior toward
the other person/s
-
the scope
and level of my
-
my self esteem
and
-
my
(limits)
-
my life
and
-
when and
I respond
to intimidation
-
my ability to
limits
and consequences effectively
-
my
network and
-
my
self-blame and
any
-
my abilities to
past
and to forgive others
-
(add your own)
|
-
change the other person's
needs,
priorities, values,
or spiritual faith
-
change the past
or human
nature
-
make the other person want to
-
make the other person want to change or
-
make the other person
hear (understand and agree with) me
-
control how the other person perceives me,
my actions, or
the past
-
reason logically with
the other person
-
change the law
-
-
-
|
Note that you can affect more things
than you can't. If your
reaction is "Yes, but
...", a well-intentioned
probably rules you.
1) Your first option is to
decide whether or not to take
responsibility for changing the things you can in order to reduce your
fears. For perspective, consider this old Chinese folktale:
Once upon a time, a fierce
forest tiger caused a village to live in terror. It ate livestock at will,
and even killed several children and adults. The villagers hired a hunter,
and trapped the tiger. Respecting life, they built a stout bamboo cage for
him in the center of the village.
For many years, the tiger slept, and paced endlessly around the cage. The
grandchildren of the original villagers finally said - our tiger is old and
toothless. We should let him return to his forest to die in peace. They
dismantled the cage, and all gathered to see their old friend set free.
The tiger was bewildered. He looked around at the strange bar-less scene,
and at the nearby forest. Then he resumed pacing his measured square,
walking the boundaries of the cage that was no longer there.
How can you free yourself from your invisible cage of anxiety? Options...
2) Envision a life where
intimidation doesn't
cause you significant anxiety. Retain that vision as an achievable goal, even if you
don't know how yet.
3)
Invest time and effort
in self-improvement
with these objectives:
-
use
to identify and meet your personality subselves, including learning
which of them is causing your self-doubts and fears (usually one or
more Inner Kids, and your Worrier, Magician, Pessimist,
Procrastinator, and Catastrophizer).
-
identify which of these subselves
distrust your true Self, and work patiently to earn their trust over
time - i.e. to
your Self (capital "S") to guide you..
-
see if you have a
subself who will assert boundaries and consequences effectively for
you.
-
change any subselves' toxic beliefs and
attitudes that contribute to your intimidation-anxieties.
-
identify any hero/ines or mentors that
inspire your courage and self-confidence, including your Higher
Power. Practice envisioning them when you assert your needs and
boundaries to intimidating people.
-
teach all your subselves effective
communication skills, by...
4) Investing time and effort
studying
here.
Give special attention to...
-
becoming aware of your communication
process - specially
and staying focused in the present.
-
clarifying and affirming your personal
Bill of
Rights.
-
respectful
and
skills;
-
learning how to overcome your favorite
communication
and to...
-
learning to empathize with (not approve
of) the needs and feelings of the intimidating person, and
giving them equal
importance to your own. And...
-
role-playing responses like these
to build your confidence.
Notice your thoughts and feelings now. How do these four options compare
with your normal responses to intimidation?
Reading this article will not increase your ability to stay grounded -
you'll have to try these options to experience their
power. Are you willing to do that now?
Recap
This Lesson-4 article defines interpersonal "intimidation," and proposes that
it is not the problem - your anxiety is. Then it proposes four
practical options toward increasing your self-confidence and ability to
assert effective boundaries and consequences with threatening people.
The options begin with
accepting full responsibility for reducing your anxieties and clarifying
what you can and cannot control. Then patiently studying and applying
Lessons 1 and 2 will help you grow firm and calm in the face of
intimidation. There are many other personal and social
benefits!
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
For more perspective, read about reacting well to
hostile people. Otherwise, return to
Lesson 4.
Prior page /
Lesson-4 links
