Continued
from page 1...
Now let's focus on your options for...
Improving
Respect for Someone Else
Have you ever lost respect for an adult or child? If so, did you just
accept that, or try to regain your respect for them? How can
you do that? First, admit (vs. numb, deny, minimize, or
rationalize) that...
-
you've lost significant respect for
the other person, and admit...
-
how that loss affects your
relationship with important adults and kids.
Option 2) Familiarize
yourself with these ideas about personality subselves and psychological wounds.
Then assess yourself and the other person for "significant wounds."
Significant is a subjective
judgment. The following assumes your true Self
usually
your personality. If not, you have bigger problems than gaining
respect for the other person. See
3)
Choose a
long-range viewpoint, and an attitude like
"These steps will protect my integrity
and may help our relationship."
4)
Review or draft
your
Personal Bill of Rights. You
have the right to choose your own criteria for awarding respect to
other people. Unaware people often live blindly by others' criteria -
e.g. "(You must) honor (respect) thy father and thy
mother," and "(You must) always respect God,
clergy, doctors, police, and authorities." If you disagree with this or feel ambivalent,
suspect that a false self controls you.
5) Identify
your judgment criteria.
Think of several people you solidly respect (including yourself?). List the
specific things about their attitudes and actions that earn your approval and
admiration. Look for patterns. It may help if these people are the same gender
as your disrespected person.
6) Using your respect criteria,
to clarify specifically what you
need from
the other person to gain respect for them.
Recall -
we're reviewing options for improving your respect of another person...
7)
Review your expectations of the other person. If s/he is
significantly wounded, unaware, and in protective denial,
s/he may not be able to meet
your expectations as a person, wo/man, or in some role. If so,
respect the things s/he can achieve, and shift your disrespect toward
compassion. This doesn't mean you must endure disrespectful or harmful
behavior from the person.
If
you're in a stepfamily, you probably believe some of over 60 common
myths which may be wrong-fully corroding your respect. For example, it’s
unrealistic to expect a stepparent to “be an adult” and ignore the pain of
being disrespected, rejected, or used by a stepchild.
Study and apply Lesson 7.
8)
Study
and practice these
communication
including
how to
give constructive feedback. Meditate on
how your disrespect for the person
in your behaviors, and identify
specifically how that may be affecting her or him. Option - ask the
person directly.
9) Guard
against repressing your needs for fear of conflict and/or "hurting her/his
feelings." Doing this is often
not "thoughtfulness." View respectful
feedback to the person as a well-meant gift, even if it causes
discomfort. If s/he is an adult, s/he is responsible for managing his or her feelings
(needs), and you are responsible for yours. Do you agree?
10) List
specific traits
you genuinely like and appreciate about the person - e.g. honesty, humor,
persistence, creativity... Then identify other traits that lower your
respect for him or her, like indecisiveness, inconsistency, lying, avoiding,
timidity, name-calling, poor hygiene, etc.
Beware of making black-white judgments and generalities - e.g. "All liars
are bad people."
Stay clear on what
and
are. Your disrespect may promote other relationship problems.
Option 11) If you're recovering from
your own wounds tell the other person informationally, vs. persuasively.
Two
recovering people may forge deep, fulfilling
relationships as they heal! Whether you do this or not, consider using
respectful
to assert...
the specific behaviors that diminish your respect for
the other person,
how each
behavior effects you directly and indirectly; and…
what specific changes you need her or him to
want to
make, to re/build your respect.
And
avoid...
-
labels ("I
disrespect you because you're an inconsiderate, insensitive slob!"),
-
generalizing ("You
always / never..."); and...
-
name-calling like ("you
jerk / moron / loser / idiot /...".
You're
offering information and an invitation to improve your mutual
relationship satisfaction. If the other person mistakes that for an attack, that's a sign of
a
shame-based false self and
reality distortion. These are not your responsibility!
Before asserting...
-
ensure your
Self is
your other subselves, and...
-
in important situations, guess the person's response to each of your assertions.
Practice responding to any
resistances:
-
use
mutually-respectful
("So you feel I'm being
oversensitive and unfair."); then...
-
stay focused, and...
-
re-assert your
respect-building needs, without defense, explanation, or counterattack, with
steady eye contact.
Pick an undistracted time and
place, and assert your perceptions and needs calmly and briefly. Al-lot plenty of time for
interaction. Because communication is cause-and-effect,
ask if there's something you do that promotes the
behaviors that cause your disrespect. Then listen, and be open
to
win-win problem solving.
Option: as co-explorers,
your shared interactions that lead up to
such a behavior.
Examples:
"Sometimes I shade the truth with you because if
I tell my truth, you usually criticize or disparage me and my feelings."
"I
agree with some of your demands just to shut you up. Then you get all
steamed when I 'don't follow through, and you tell me you lose respect for me.
I'd follow through more often if we could
problem-solve instead of
you nagging and harping so much. I don't like conflict!”
Pause, breathe, and notice what you're thinking. Think of someone you'd like
to respect more, and imagine using options like these with them. What do you
(your Self0 think might happen?
We’ve explored
building your self respect and options for re/gaining respect for
another person. What if someone's respect for you has
dwindled?
Earning Others' Respect
Think of people you're sure respect (vs. "like") you - as a person, a
wo/man, a friend, a family member, and/or in some special role. How did you
earn their admiration and value? What is it about you they respect -
specifically? Did you set out to earn their respect intentionally, or did it
occur "by itself"?
Would you agree that in most growing relationships, trust, respect,
approval, acceptance, and genuine interest evolve together via shared
experiences? If so - and you want to earn someone else's respect for you -
then consider these options:
-
your true Self
of your
regardless of what the other person thinks of you.
-
adopt a patient outlook. Earning genuine
respect and trust is a long-term project!
-
meditate on why you need this person
to respect you. Can you live well enough without it? Does someone else
(like a friend, parent, or mate) need you to earn the person' respect?
-
affirm or grow your
self-respect. It's
hard to admire someone who feels badly about themselves (yes?);
-
assess what
you've been broadcasting to the other person. If your false self
has projected c/overt disapproval and scorn, you may harvest the same
attitude in return.
-
assess
whether the other person is significantly
If so, the wounds and distorted perceptions may be causing the
disrespect, not you. If so, use these wise
-
ask the person (vs. assuming) what s/he
expects of you - specifically. It's possible s/he may have unrealistic
expectations. If so, assert that reality, and then let go.
-
decide whether you need to forgive
yourself and/or the other person for some past hurts or
disappointments. If so, try that - and see what happens.
-
decide whether there's any value in seeking
to grow trust, approval, and
respect separately.
-
ask the person (a) what qualities s/he respects in
other people, and/or (b) specifically
what s/he needs in order to
respect you more. Then decide if you can - and want to - fill his
or her needs without losing your
-
add your own options for meriting respect...
Pause and reflect: how do you feel about what you just read? Is your
Self
or 'someone else'?
# Status Check See where you
stand on the ideas in this article: T(rue), F(alse), or "?" (I'm not
sure / I don't care).
I
have
honestly for false-self dominance, and
I am
steadily working at any
I need. (T F ?)
I believe my self
respect is currently high enough, as _ a person, _ a wo/man, _ a _____;
or I’m proactively working to raise my self respect now. (T F ?)
I'm clear enough on my criteria for
respecting myself or anyone else (T F ?)
I'm clear enough on my options for
raising my respect of another person now (T F ?)
I'm clear enough on my options for
earning someone else's respect of me now. (T F ?)
I feel a mix of calm,
centered, energized, light, focused, resilient,
up, grounded, relaxed, alert, aware, serene,
purposeful, and clear, so
my true Self is probably answering these
questions. (T F ?)
Recap
This article is one of a series on maintaining satisfying, healthy relationships. It offers...
-
perspective on self respect
and mutual respect, including the roots of low
self-esteem; and options for...
-
improving
self respect,
-
improving respect
for another person, and...
-
options for
regaining someone's respect
for you.
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
