The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/qa/dating.htm
Links below lead to
answers in other Web pages or educational popups, so
please turn off your browser's popup
blocker or accept popups from this nonprofit, ad-free Web site. If your
browser doesn't support Javascript, the popups may nmot display.
This is one of a series of articles
in Lesson 4 - optimize your relationships. This
article exists because sociologists estimate almost half of U.S.
marriages fail legally. Untold millions more fail psychologically, but
stop short of legal divorce.
Implication - most
couples unintentionally pick the wrong partner, for the wrong reasons,
at the wrong time.
The wrong people are psychologically
and in denial of this.
Wrong reasons to commit include ending loneliness and anxiety,
rescuing, legitimizing sex, proving something to someone, revenge,
codependence, and other unhealthy motives. The wrong time
is before both mates reduce their wounds and gain
Does this make sense to you?
These two pages offer questions to help typical courting partners make wise
commitment choi-ces. The questions are for (a) all couples, and (b) couples with
one or more kids from prior unions (step-family courtships).
Find suggestions, resources, and answers to all these questions and more in
my
practical
guide-book
- make
three right re/marriage choices (Xlibris.com, 2001).
Most of the book applies to all
couples.
Before continuing, pause, breathe, and reflect - why
are you reading this? What do
you
Key Courtship
Questions
Options - read all these questions first before following any links;
and thoughtfully discuss these items with your
partner. Your respective thoughts and feelings
are just as important as the answers.
Questions for All Couples
1) What
are my partner and I trying to fill by dating seriously?
2) What are the
basic requirements for a healthy
long-term primary relationship?
3) Are there
reliable courtship danger signs I should know and heed?
Yes.
4) My partner and I have
different religious faiths.
How concerned should I be about t this?
5)
I love a person of the same gender. What
factors should we consider
before exchanging vows?
6) My partner
and I are much different in age. Should we be concerned?
Maybe.
7) How do I
know if I should commit to this
partner and his or her family?
8)
How do I know of it's the right
time for me to commit?
9)
How do I know if I'm committing for the right
reasons?
10)
What resources are available to help us make wise
commitment decisions?
Additional Questions for
Stepfamily
Couples
11) Is courtship
different "the second time around"?
No and yes.
12) If I date a
person with kids, what should I
look for?
13)
I'm a single parent. What
co-parenting traits should I look for in a
new partner?
14) What
mistakes can typical partners make in
deciding to form or join a stepfamily?
15) What
are the best
sources of stepfamily education for
courting co-parents?
16) How long after
divorce should co-parents wait to
re/marry?
17) How
soon should I
tell my child/ren I'm serious about
committing to a new partner?
18) Is there a
best way to conduct
stepfamily courtship?
Yes!
19)
How can I tell if
I'm ready to commit to a stepfamily?
20) Why are
typical U.S. stepfamilies at higher risk of psychological or legal divorce
than average biofamilies (first marriages)? There are
five related reasons.
21)
How can we tell if we need
pre-re/marital
counseling, and how can we pick an effective counselor?
22) Are there any
danger signals in addition to those above that courting co-parents ought
to watch for before committing to join or form a stepfamily?
23) How heavily should I
weigh my child/ren's opinions in
deciding if, to whom, and when to re/marry?
24)
We've decided to
re/wed. Are there any helpful guides for
planning our wedding and
honeymoon?
25) I love the person I'm
dating, and I'm not crazy about one (or more) of
their kids. Is that
likely to improve if or when we
live together?
26) My
partner and I
disagree on trying to conceive
one or more ("ours") kids. How concerned should I be about this?
27) Other people tell us
we'll be forming a
stepfamily if we
re/marry, but my partner and/or
I don't see it that way. Who's right?
28) I feel my partner and I
ought to wait and learn more about what we're getting into, and s/he's
pushing to re/marry soon.
What should we do?
29) My partner is
(or I am)
uncomfortable admitting
prior marriages and/or divorces. Is that
normal and OK?
30)
After all
my children have been
through, I feel strongly that they
should come first if we re/marry. My partner seems ambivalent or opposed
to that. What should we do?
31) My partner
isn't interested in learning
about stepfamilies. Should I insist?
32) Is
re/marriage with
a childless partner more stressful than with a single parent?
Maybe, depending on many
factors.
33) Overall, what are the
main suggestions you have to help us make wise
stepfamily-commitment decisions?
If
you don't see your question here, please
ask!
Q4) My partner and I have
different religious faiths.
How concerned should I be about this?
Many factors determine whether courting partners' differences over
religious faith will be a major relationship and family
Such
differences are one of many
and
conflicts your
family will experience
after commitment vows. If religion (vs.
and biofamily religious traditions and bonds are high in one or
both suitor's personal
this may be a compelling reason to remain
friends vs. vowing commitments.
The real issue is how
effectively you two can avoid or resolve values conflicts without
violating your integrities and losing self respect. Do you have an effective
strategy to do that yet?
top
Q6) My partner and I
are much different in age. Should we be concerned about this?
As people age, some priorities change and they gradually lose some physical
abilities. They're also more prone to health issues. The wider the age gap
between mates, the more likely it is that they will en-counter significant
values differences - e.g. he wants a restful vacation by the lake, and she
wants to go travel or backpack in the mountains. It's also more likely that
the older partner will die well before the younger mate, leaving her or him
without a companion in old age.
The real issue is not the age difference,
It is how well you two can
negotiate major values clashes and remain solidly committed. How effective
is your strategy at doing this now? See
this for more detail and
options.
top
Q10)
What resources are available to help us make wise
commitment decisions?
In
this Web site, the key resources are:
There
are also some well-known marriage-prep Web sites and services, like
Prepare/Enrich,
FOCCUS
(for Catholics), and
Relate. While these
are useful, none of them (to my knowledge) offer the same assessment scope as
this non-profit Break the Cycle! site.
top
Q11)
Is courtship
different "the second time around"?
Compared to dating "the first time around." courtship involving prior children
and former mates is the same in some ways, and different in others:
