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This is one of a
series of
articles in Lesson 4 - choose and evolve satisfying
relationships.
This
worksheet can help you learn how you and/or other people handle
one of three universal family stressors - values conflicts. The other stressors are
(a type of values conflict) and
All three
dynamics are very common in typical troubled relationships
and families.
To get the most from this worksheet, first read...
The first steps in reducing values conflicts is to
understand what they are, what causes them, and why they're a problem. The next step is to get clear on how you and a partner normally react to them.
This is not about
blaming anyone, it's about raising your awareness!
Identify a value, belief, preference, or
priority that you and someone else significantly disagree on.
Think of the most recent time you experienced this conflict, and answer the
following. T = true, F = false, and ? = "I'm not sure,"
or "I can't remember."
Each of us was
by our
at the time (T F ?)
We both understood clearly
what a
was (T F ?)
We each had agreed on the key
required to resolve major values conflicts (T F ?)
We each _ assessed for and _ resolved
any
first (T F ?)
We both agreed that we had a
mutual values conflict (T F ?)
We both wanted to take enough
time to discuss and resolve this conflict (T F ?)
We each felt that
our partner's needs and
dignities were
our own (T F ?)
We took the time to
and acknowledge
our respective
in this situation (T F ?)
We each (a) knew these seven
communication
and (b) used them
as partners, not opponents (T
F ?)
We helped each other maintain (a) a
shared focus, and (b) a two-person
as we clarified and negotiated our values conflict/s (T F
?)
We each felt heard, respected, and
satisfied enough with the
of our negotiation (T F
?)
If you can't answer "True" to the
last item, take your time and see which of these best describes your
attempt to resolve this values conflict. Check all that apply:
_ one or _ both of us ignored
our significant
values conflicts (between active
subselves)
_ one or _ both of us ignored or
denied that we had an important values conflict
_ one or _ both of us were unclear on
_ our and/or _ our partner's current
_ one or _ both of us expected that we
would not resolve this conflict effectively
_ one or _ both of us tried to
persuade or force the other person to agree with our value
and discount their
_ one or _ both of us focused on
explaining why our value, preference, perception, or
priority was right, implying that our partner's value was wrong
(vs. different)
_ one or _ both of us became focused
on winning, rather than on win-win resolution
_ one or _ both of us equated
compromising with losing and/or being "weak"
_ one or _ both of us pretended to
agree with the other to end the discussion (or struggle)
_ one or _ both of us "shut down"
(stopped participating) or physically withdrew.
_ one or _ both of us became
sarcastic, scornful, critical, and/or brought up
other is- sues and/or _ focused on the past or the future,
rather than the present
_ one or _ both of us was doing other
things while we talked (wasn't concentrating)
_ one or _ both of us used
and/or black/white (rigid) thinking
_ one or _ both of us felt the other
person wasn't
them
_ one or both of us _ was
of
we were trying to resolve our conflict, or _ was
unwilling to discuss that
_ one or _ both of us used some other
communication
_ (something else)
Pause, breathe, stretch, and notice your
now without judgment. Try saying out loud what you just learned about how
you and your partner tried to resolve this values conflict. Ex-pand your
awareness, and see if there is a
to your resolution attempts with most or all of your values
conflicts with (a) this person and (b) other important adults and kids
at home and at work.
Options
-
Do nothing
with your worksheet results, or postpone doing something
-
Feel
by what you learned here,
and decide to make no changes
-
Patiently follow all the links in this
worksheet and the related popups to increase your awareness and options
-
Ask someone to fill out a copy of this worksheet, and
discuss your mutual learnings as partners
-
Show your completed worksheet to someone,
and discuss it with them. Option - ask them to validate your
observations about how you and this partner usually react to values
conflicts
-
Identify specific things about resolving
values conflicts that you want to change, do so, and see what happens
-
Reread
this article to clarify your understanding and options
-
Review these articles on
win-win and
lose-lose
problem solving
-
Review this real-life
example of how unresolved values and
loyalty conflicts eroded a remarriage
-
Read this article
loyalty conflicts and fill out the
related worksheet
-
Identify serious values conflicts in your
current life, and apply your learnings here to resolving them
-
Teach any kids in your life what you're
learning about spotting and resolving values conflicts
-
Show this worksheet and related articles to
any counselor, coach, or therapist you're using now
-
Use this worksheet periodically with all your
family members to track your progress in resolving your values conflicts
over time. Remind each other that
this worksheet is not about blaming
or fault-finding, it's about learning and getting more needs met!
Or...
-
Do something else (what?)
Reality check - on a scale of one
(I have no interest in trying these
options now) to ten (I'm very motivated to try these steps
today), my motivation is a ___.
Recap
A values conflict occurs when two or more people disagree on significant
preferences, beliefs, perceptions, and/or priorities. Usually, the best
solution to them is to seek a mutually-acceptable compromise, or respectfully agree to disagree, rather than
avoiding, pretending, fighting,
arguing, ma-nipulating, or trying to persuade each other to change.
An inability to do this usually indicates significant
+ ineffective communication skills in one or both people. Self-study
and
provide practical ways to help reduce each of these over time.
This Lesson-2 worksheet exists to help you and others identify how you
usually react to internal and social values conflicts so you can discover
ways to improve (or validate yourselves!). Underlying premises are that...
-
values conflicts are
normal and inevitable in all personalities and relationships,
-
there is an
effective way to resolve most of them, and...
-
any committed person
can learn and tailor this solution to fit her
or his values and style, and frequently resolve major values
conflicts.
Do you agree with these
premises?
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this worksheet? Did
you get what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's answering these questions - your wise
or
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Updated
August 30, 2010
