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http://sfhelp.org/sf/basics/problems.htm
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This is one of a series of Lesson-7 articles
on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. The series builds on
the concepts in Lessons 1-6, so study them first. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents and bio-parents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
This article summarizes three levels of common stressors in
typical
divorcing families and step-families. Most family adults
and human-service professionals focus only on the surface
"problems" (un-met needs), so the underlying primary problems go
unresolved and the surface symptoms recur. Once aware of these
levels, family adults can work together to resolve their primary
problems and raise their family's stability, bonding, and
nurturance level.
All adults and kids want stable, safe, satisfying relationships and
families. The size and scope of the U.S. coaching, counseling, and therapy professions
suggest how elusive these prizes are in our cul-ture. Based on 28 years'
research and clinical experience, this outline proposes why this
is, and what you can do about it.
This article assumes you're familiar with...
the
intro to this Web site
and the premises underlying
it
all personal and social "problems" are unfilled
psychological + spiritual + physical needs - i.e. physical +
emotional + spiritual discomforts;
[ Agree /
Disagree / ? (It depends on...) ]
all families and relationships exist to nurture (fill
personal needs). Some nurture better than others. (A D ?)
typical needs range between surface,
intermediate, and primary, and immediate to long-term. (A D ?)
most people aren't trained or motivated to
distinguish between
stressful surface "problems" and the unfilled primary needs
that cause them - i.e. they don't know what they don't know; (A
D ?)
To
make what follows more vivid, pause now and mentally identify the top three
interpersonal things that are causing you significant "stress" (worry,
frustration, guilt, shame, resentment, etc). See what level they are per the
following table...
Typical
divorcing families and stepfamilies have
three layers of concurrent problems:
lack of
informed family, community,
and media co-parent
support, including
uninformed clergy, clinicians, authors, educators, coaches, and legal profes-sionals
Level 3) Unseen
PRIMARY
Problems
Family adults' psychological
wounds
and
unawareness of these
levels and topics,
promoted by...
public and media unawareness and denials of the
pervasive [wounds + unawareness]
cycle and its toxic
effects. This results in
legislation and policies allowing...
unwise marriages and unqualified child conceptions,
ineffective parenting and
low-nurturance families, and...
widespread child
neglect and abuse. These promote...
serious psychological wounding,
and spreading these toxic effects down the generations.
Have you ever seen this three-level concept before? Does it seem
credible? Would you agree that average adults, all kids, and many
human-service professionals are unaware of it?
Implications
When you have significant personal, relationship,
and/or family "problems" (level 1 above)
you're probably
unaware of what's really causing them. If so, your efforts to
solve the problems probably won't fill your primary needs
permanently.
That promotes frustration, arguments, self-doubt, self-criticism, and shame
("stress").
When people you care about have significant personal and relationship problems, you
may be able to provide temporary (surface) help - but unless you all identify their underlying needs, their surface dis-comforts will
probably return in some form.
Notice
your thoughts now...
If your family's adults don't commit to learning (a) the level-2 topics above and (b) how
to
dig down from surface problems to
discern your primary needs (levels 2 and 3 above), then the
nurturance level of your family and relationships will be lower than it could be, and
your wounded kids will leave home not knowing how to discern and resolve
their primary problems. This will inexorably stress them, spread the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle, and weaken our society.
If you're used to being controlled by a well-meaning,
short-sighted
false self,
you risk focusing on surface problems, achieving far less than your true potential as a unique,
worthy, talented person, and dying prematurely.
If you don't
alert other people
- specially parents and teachers - to what you read here, who will?
Options
Grow
the habits of (a) checking to see if your true Self is guiding
you, and (b) in stressful and confusing situations, ask yourself
"What do I really need here?" Then (c) use
awareness
to answer that.
Experiment with this powerful
dig-down
technique to uncover your primary needs, and then use win-win
problem-solving to fill them effectively.
Grow the habit of applying these
ageless
guidelines
to your life and teaching them to young people;
Continue
studying and applying the concepts and tools in Lessons
1 thru 8,
and encourage others to do the same.
Recap
This article proposes that human "prob-lems" are needs - physical,
emotional, and spiri-tual discomforts. They often come in clusters, and
need to be sorted out.
The
article illustrates three levels of typical adult problems in average
stepfamilies - surface > intermediate > primary. It proposes that until
adults identify their primary needs, the surface problems will
keep recurring.
Learning to use awareness and dig-down skills as teammates is an
effective way to discover current primary needs. Then use the other
five communication skills in Lesson 2 to satisfy them.
Pause, b-r-e-a-t-h-e, and reflect.
What are your subselves
saying
now? Did you get what you needed from reading this? If so, what do you
need to do now? If not - what
do
you need? Who's
answer-ing
- your wise
true Self or
''someone else''?
The Web address of this
article is
http://sfhelp.org/sf/basics/problems.htm
Premises...
Level 2) Underlying INTERMEDIATE Problems