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This is one of a series of articles
on how to evolve a
stepfamily. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
+ + +
This article explores a decision that can
stress or strengthen a re/marriage:
whether or not to conceive an
"ours" child together. This choice is far more complex in
typical stepfamilies than in average intact biofamilies! The article covers
perspective, four key questions about conception, and
options for making wise long-term decisions.
This article assumes you're familiar with...
-
the intro to this nonprofit Web site and
the premises underlying it
-
self-improvement
-
stepfamily basics and
Q&A items
-
this worksheet for couples considering
child conception; and...
-
the primary
of most stepfamily problems.
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Stepfamilies
Are Complex!
By definition, a multi-generational
is composed of one or more minor or grown stepkids, plus their one or two
living bioparents, plus one or two stepparents, plus all the legal and blood
relatives of three or more co-parents. Each stepparent may or may not have
prior kids and living or dead former mates of their own.
Forming a stable multi-generational stepfamily requires the complex
physical, emotional, and legal
of three
or more biofamilies. This blending process usually takes four
or more years to stabilize after re/wedding - longer, if both divorced parents re/marry.
As the merger proceeds, typical minor stepkids must fill up to 60
developmental and family-adjustment
needs to become healthy, independent young adults.
Typical stepfamily members face at least 30
adjustment needs that peers in healthy intact biofamilies don't have
- on top of their normal aging and personal-growth needs. Your extended
stepfamily has up to 15
(e.g.
step-uncle, half sister, non-custodial biodad,...) to clarify and
stabilize as you adjust the "regular" 15 biofamily roles (mother, niece,
grandfather, cousin, son...).
Your multi-home stepfamily is amazingly complicated in structure and dynamics.
It will take a long time after cohabiting and re/wedding to
merge and stabilize psychologically, financially, logistically, and legally. Some
stepfamilies never stabilize. Thousands re/divorce within
10 years after co-commitment, and
many others endure ongoing stress and discomfort rather than divorce.
This inherent complexity makes deciding if and when to add a new child to
your stepfamily challenging and impactful. One way of managing
that is to break the decision into parts:
Four Basic Questions
Few typical co-parents are adequately
prepared
for the complexities and difficulties in merging their several biofamilies. One
implication is that new partners should be extra thoughtful and honest about...
-
who wants to have a child?
-
why do you want an "ours" (vs. his or hers) child?
-
when?; and
-
how likely it is that you and your relatives
can provide a consistently
environment
for a baby and all other
members?
Before looking at each of these, consider: "having a baby" really
means "creating a human who will probably have kids, who will have
kids, who..." Most babies will probably pass genes, values, traditions,
and beliefs on to a vast
fan of offspring across many future generations.
If you have two kids, and each new generation bears two kids, in 12
generations your genetic progeny will number over 8,000 people,
excluding death and infertility! So
the
of the adult
your baby becomes will genetically and socially affect thousands
of future people. Notice your reaction!
|
With that in mind, consider...
Who Wants a Baby?
From 31 years' clinical experience, I propose that a high percentage of
average U.S. adults (like you) are psychologically wounded and
unaware. This seems specially true of typical stepfamily adults.
This "wounding" causes people to be unaware they are controlled by a
protective "false self." False selves are dominated by shame, fear, guilt,
and reality distortions - which promote making unwise short and long-term
decisions. The better alternative is to be guided by your wise, resident
true Selves.
So the question here is: "Who
wants a baby - our false selves, or our true Selves?" Use
here to answer this vital question together.
Next, explore...
Why Do We Want An Ours
Child?
See how you feel about these premises:
Some reasons for conceiving a
child are healthier (i.e. promote personal growth, happiness, productivity,
and serenity) than others;
Some conception reasons are universal,
and others are unique and situational to each couple;
Child-conception
decisions should consider the wholistic health and welfare of the
future person and the
of the whole
Only you mates can decide how to rank and mix these pros and cons. As you
decide, you will want to know...
When Is The
Right Time to Have
an Ours Child?
Reflect for a moment on your initial answer. Is it general,
like "When everyone's ready for it."? Though every stepfamily is unique,
some universal factors shape the best time to conceive an "ours" child...
1)
Whether either of you
carry significant psychological
My
clinical
experience suggests
that wounded mates pick each
other - repeatedly - and are at high risk of being
parents.
So
the best time to
conceive is when you each agree your true Selves are solidly
If either
of you has a significantly-wounded ex mate, that will probably
lower the
of the
family your baby will grow up in.
2)
How
knowledgeable
your co-parents are. I propose that one of
for widespread re/divorce
is adults' not knowing how to cope effectively with these 11 core
When
all three or more of your co-parents can...
-
answer most of these
accurately,
-
describe each
stressor knowledgeably as it pertains to you all, and...
-
outline
specifically what to do about it...
you may be prepared to decide
wisely on having a child together.
Another conception-timing
factor is...
3) How well
along you all are in
your several
biofamilies and stabilizing your complex
web of
and
relationships. A newborn will send emotional, financial, logistic, structural, and perhaps legal
shockwaves throughout your
If your
many step-relatives are "pretty well
adjusted" to (a) your
as a stepfamily, (b) who
to
your stepfamily, and (c) your complex biofamily merger, then having an "ours" child probably won't
create too much stress.
A specially important factor here is how well ex mates and stepparents have
overcome their mix of these typical relationship
so far.
Measuring these stabilities
objectively isn't easy. A rough rule of thumb is - if it takes average
stepfamilies at least four years to stabilize after each
co-parent re/wedding or cohabiting, then having an "ours" child within
about three years after your nuptials is significantly risky. |
Another
option is to assess your stepfamily strengths
now. If they're low, I recommend holding off on cribs and diapers. That's
specially true if your personal and stepfamily
supports are weak.
A final key conception-timing
factor is...
4)
How well you mates have considered everyone's
in
this complex stepfamily decision. Some false selves feel that child conception is
"nobody's business but ours." That's risky in a
multi-home stepfamily where many kids and adults will be
significantly affected for many years.
If you choose to conceive, you won't know the wisdom of
your decision for some years. Your long-range
outcome will be directly proportion to how well (a) you've discusses the
pros and cons with your stepfamily members, and (b) how you rank their primary needs with yours.
It takes time
to do that thoroughly! This is not giving the decision to other people
(specially kids!), but it is deepening the knowledge base from which to make
your impactful decision.
The last key "ours-baby" question is...
Can We Provide a
High-nurturance Family Environment?
To answer this, you mates must agree on
in your nuclear stepfamily. Excluding ex mates and/or
their new partners is a glaring red light! So the question becomes
"Can our three or more co-parents provide a high-nurturance family for
our present kids and any new ones?"
The next step is for all you co-parents to agree on what a
family is. Because
stepfamily child conception is such a profoundly personal, emotional, and complex long-term decision, it's probably a wise investment to get
outside opinion on this nurturance-level question.
You co-parents can judge your stepfamily's
nurturance level with criteria like these:
"Are my partner and I both consistently
by our
true
Selves now?" How do you know? Then ask the same
question about each other co-parent.
related readings, and qualified
professional counsel can help answer that accurately.
Typical mates
controlled by false selves often have trouble maintaining a high family
nurturance level.
How many of
these traits
describe our present nuclear stepfamily? If your true Self is
disabled, your other subselves will either ignore this question or give
a distorted (idealized) answer.
How is
each of our minor kids doing with their
developmental and
family-adjustment needs? If all your custodial
and visiting kids are "doing well enough" (a subjective decision), then
you co-parents and kin are probably "pretty nurturing," and a
new baby is less likely to overwhelm your household.
Again, objective professional opinion can be a wise investment
here. A fourth indicator is...
How adept are our adults at
analyzing and
resolving role and relationship
problems?
The more effective you all are, the higher your family's nurturance level.
Finally...
How aware are you
co-parents of the way you
plan and
adapt to major
changes?
The better your adults are at discussing and planning major
changes, the more likely you'll make a wise child-conception decision. Can you describe
your present policy (shoulds, musts, ought to's) on managing major family
changes? "No policy" is a policy...
Pause and reflect - how do you feel about this way of evaluating the
pros and cons of having an ours child? Now
let's add some..
Perspective
If you're having significant stepfamily problems, you mates may
adopt the seductive myth that "having
a baby will make us feel like a normal biofamily." It probably
won't. Having an ours child won't
change your
stepfamily
and the
that come with it.
Do you wonder "What
do other stepfamily
couples do?" My research since 1979 suggests that a minority of
U.S. stepfamily mates conceive one or more planned
"ours" children. Key factors are that typical co-parents are
middle-aged, need two incomes, and already have over-busy lives with several
kids.
Help each other guard against black/white "bipolar" thinking
here. It reduces
many complex options to only two (conceive now or don't). There are usually
many different possibilities. Habitual bipolar thinking in
confusing or stressful situations suggests that a
protective false self rules the person's personality, seeking
structure and control in an unpredictable world.
Another option is to rely heavily on someone else's advice. If a lay or
professional counselor...
-
seems to be
by their true Self,
-
can
answer these stepfamily
questions accurately, and...
-
can realistically assess your nuclear-stepfamily's
nurturance level...
then s/he may be qualified to advise you. Relying
on the advice of professionals, authors, or media "experts"
and/or
kin and
friends with little or no stepfamily training or experience, risks years of regret and heartache
and
to your descendents.
It is worthwhile to seek feedback from a variety of veteran
stepfamily co-parents. Roughly one of five U.S. families is a stepfamily, so
there are a lot of co-parents out there. Locate some in your community and see if they'll talk about their
"ours" conception decisions and how they reached them. You can also
investigate the many co-parenting sites on the Web - e.g.
www.havinganotherbaby.com.
An interesting option is to get undistracted, and imagine in detail the conversation
you'd like to have with an adult "ours" child when you're
about to die. What would you like to say, hear, and feel
about how your child's growing-up years "turned out"?
Recap
The decision to conceive an "ours
child" in typical nuclear stepfamilies is significantly more complex than in intact biofamilies.
This article explores typical pros an cons of having an "ours child" by
examining four key questions.
-
who wants to have a child?
-
why do you want an "ours" (vs. his or hers) child?
-
when is the best time to conceive?; and
-
can your family members provide a consistently
high-nurturance environment
for a baby and everyone else?
Pause, breathe, and reflect - why did you read this article? Did you get
what you needed? If not, what
you need? Who's
these questions - your
or
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