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This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles
on howtoevolve a
high-nurturance
stepfamily. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents and bioparents managing a multi-home
nuclear stepfamily.
This
article assumes you're familiar with....
the intro
to
this nonprofit Web site and the
premises
underlying it
Stepparent describes the
role of an adult who nurtures
a resident or visiting child
of their mate. Stepmothers and stepfathers may or may not have
biological children of their own, and/or conceive "ours" children with their
partner. Any family with at least one
stepchild and one part-time or full-time stepparent is astepfamily.
Becausestepfamilies following divorce (vs. mate-death) are
relatively new to our culture, the roles of
stepparent and stepchild are often alien, confusing, and frustrating. If new
mates made wise
courtship decisions,
these relationships can become rich sources of closeness, affection, companionship, fun, satisfaction, and
sometimes
love.
The questions and answers here come from 32 years' clinical research and
listening to over 1000 typical new and veteran co-parents since 1981.
My own experience as a stepfather and adult stepson adds perspective.
The American College Dictionary (1970) says the prefix
"step" comes from the old English steop-, which
meant "related by marriage rather than blood." A related root is the Icelandic
stjup-,
denoting bereaved or orphaned. Microsoft's Bookshelf describes a
current secondary meaning of stepchild as "Something that does not
receive appropriate care, respect, or attention."
Many stepfamily
authors and commentators try to avoid the negative taint of "step-"
with labels and adjectives like co-family, blended,
second, bi-nuclear, reconstituted, combined, bonus, rem(arried),
and reconstructed (family).Terms like
these encourage people to ignore their "step-" identity, and live
from unrealistic (biofamily) expectations.
Becauseour culture doesn't alert typical
new-stepfamily adults to
the
hazards they face,
typical stepmoms and stepdads don't know what they need to know about stepfamily
challenges and rewards. So all
stepfamily adults and supporters need to study (at least)
Lesson 7 in this Web
site.It's based on
32 years' research
and clinical experience with over 1,000 typical stepfamily adults.
Q5)Are typical stepparents
supposed to love their stepkids?
Can they?
An inexorable reality is that
mutual
respect and friendship may develop between a stepparent and stepchild, but
not the same kind of bonding and love that
healthy bioparents and kids exchange.
Exceptions may happen if a new stepchild is very young. Some stepparents endure their stressful caregiving role
to be with
their beloved partner. Others really like their mate's child/ren and enjoy nurturing them.
Many stepkids don't want a
stepparent - in general, or the one their bioparent chose. Even if children enjoy
a stepdad or stepmom, they may feel
guilty and
disloyal to their
same-gender bioparent if they express their appreciation and respect openly.
Well-informed supporters counsel stepparents and stepkids to not
expect themselves to love each other or feel guilty if they don't. See
this for more perspective.
Q6)
What if a stepchild
rejects a stepparent despite the adult's best
efforts?
In some new stepfamilies, a well-meaning stepmom or
stepdad extends friendship, patience, and empathy to resident and visiting
stepkids, and gets steady indifference,
disrespect, and/or
hostility ("rejection"), and possibly criticism from their mate if the stepparent protests.
Such "rejection" may indicate
that the stepchild...
is
testingappropriately for possible
parental abandonment and loss
of family status; and/or s/he...
hasn't finished
grieving many
profound
losses from parental divorce or death and re/marriage
- and maybe from a
low-nurturance childhood; and/or the
stepchild
may feel...
trapped in a low-nurturance (step)family,
and/or overwhelmed by
many concurrent needs (discomforts)
and/or by...
Typical stepkids don't understand these
stressors, and can't clearly identify and
assert
their
primary needs. They depend on their co-parents to validate their feelings and
needs, and want to empathically help satisfy them.
And "rejected" stepparents need to know that...
their feelings of hurt,
confusion, and resentment of the child's behavior and their
mate's
reactions are normal, legitimate, and deserve no guilt, shame, or self doubt
- despite
what uninformed people may say; and...
their mate
has to
choose, repeatedly,who's needs and feelings are more important:
their own, their mate's, or their biochild's. The bioparent's actions
(vs. words) will demonstrate
their true
priorities; and...
a
stepparent and their stepchild
may simply have "bad chemistry" - i.e. significantly different
values, interests, and tolerances.
If true for you...
Q8)
What are
common problems
that typical stepparents face?
Thoughevery stepfamily is unique, typical stepmothers and stepfathers face common
concurrent problems (discomforts) like these, starting in courtship:
grieving unrealistic courtship ideals and fantasies, and accepting
complex, stressful stepfamily
realities, role
complexities (Q7 above), and many concurrent
adjustment tasks;
possible
indifference,
hostility,
disrespect, and/or
dislike from their stepkids and/or
step-relatives - specially their partner's ex mate/s;
experiencing escalating hurts and resentments
because their mate puts their stepkids' (and/or ex mate's) needs
ahead of their
primary relationship too often, despite
the stepparent's hints, protests, and requests;
coming to dread stepkids'
visitations for many reasons, and feeling
guilty about this and helpless to improve it;
finding that most lay people and many
family-support professionals have little awareness or empathy for what
stepparents
experience and need. One result is that many stepparents feel isolated and alone
in resolving their role discomforts - specially if they have no biokids of their
own, so their mate can't empathize. (Solution: find or start a
support group!);
And typical stepparents also face challenges like...
Identifying, ranking, and
resolving many more concurrent
role, relationship, and daily-life
problems (unmet needs) than they expected during courtship;
changing
unrealistic (biofamily-based)
expectations about stepfamily life into realistic
expectations over four or more years, while their mates and supporters may or
may not do the same;
coping with personal, role, and stepfamily
confusion at holidays (like Mother's and
Father's Days) and family celebrations, starting with their
wedding;
finding that most how-to
books and programs about stepparenting offer
vignettes (validation) and generalities (like "communicate openly and honestly"), but
not real
solutions (e.g. learn and apply seven
communication
skills, and
patiently teach them to your kids);
discovering major
values conflicts with their
partner over child visitations + discipline + finances (including insurance,
investments, debts,
and wills) + custody + education + health + legal
parenting agreements +
relations with ex mates and in-laws + religion + boundaries + home
selection and management.
A
typical stepfather or stepmother will face some mix of
these problems. The ultimate
problem for millions of U.S. stepparents is admitting some months or
years after committing that they chose the wrong
people, for the
wrong
reasons, at
the wrong
time. (Protection:
work at these self-improvement
Lessons together during courtship!)
If you're a veteran stepparent, edit this summary to fit your current situation. Are there other things you
need from your partner? Pause and notice your thoughts and feelings now...
Q10)
Do average stepfathers face different problems than typical
stepmothers?
Typical stepparents face general role and relationship
problems, and
some that are
gender-unique. For instance...
Statistics suggest that divorced or
widowed American men are more likely to re/marry quickly than previously-married women.
This implies stepfathers may be more at risk of making need-driven, uninformed
(unwise)
commitment decisions than typical
stepmoms.
Conversely, divorced or widowed single mothers are more likely to need
caregiving, financial, and home-maintenance help, and make need-driven unwise
commitment choices - specially if they bear significant
psychological
wounds; and...
Typical step-brides may experience
greater conflict, anxiety, and/or satisfaction over their
commitment ceremony than average
step-grooms;
Traditionally, husbands are
breadwinners, and wives are responsible for raising kids and household
management. That often means that if a custodial stepchild or stepsiblings are
unhappy or conflicted, society and a stepmother's mate, relatives, and friends
expect her to take responsibility for reducing the trouble.
Without
self-awareness, stepfamily
knowledge, and effective marital
communication, stepmoms who aren't clear on
their caregiving
responsibilities and what their stepkid/s
need can feel over-responsible, confused,
guilty, shamed, misunderstood, anxious, and alone.
This may be amplified because
typical
female brains are more concerned with
relationship problems and family harmony than male brains; and...
Males are generally more reluctant
to seek and accept relationship help (e.g. self-help books, counseling, support
groups) than females. So there are significantly more books and
websites for stepmothers than stepfathers now.
That may mean that average stepdads bear more stepfamily
stress alone
than stepmoms;
Typical males are often more sexually
aggressive than females, and the incest taboo is usually weaker in stepfamilies; so average stepdads may struggle more with
sexual
feelings for their stepdaughters more than stepmoms do with stepsons;
More possible differences between average stepfathers and stepmothers...
Typical stepmoms may have
higher needs for empathy, intimacy (vs. sex), and emotional expression than
stepfathers. That may yield higher odds of frustration in
women choosing or accepting a stepmother role; and...
Typical women have deeper needs to
conceive and nurture children than men. Typical stepmoms take on their role in their 30s or 40s.
This urge + their age + local stepfamily conditions can cause a higher level
of conception-related conflicts in
stepmothers. This is specially likely with childless stepmothers whose mate
doesn't want more children.
A child's stepmother and biomother
and/or co-grandmothers may be more likely to judge, criticize, and resent each other as
caregivers than typical stepfathers and biofathers; and....
Because most females are more
emotionally sensitive, responsive, and expressive than males, typical
stepmothers may
grieve more completely than stepfathers, and be more likely to
recognize
blocked grief in their step and biochildren;
Average stepmothers may be
(a) more
needy of approval from, and closeness with, their stepchild/ren; and (b) more
sensitive to stepchild rejection than stepfathers;
and...
Average
males tend to rely more on logic to "figure out" and "explain"
family-relationship problems than females. So stepfathers may be more
easily frustrated than stepmothers if stepfamily members or supporters
"aren't logical." This can also be true for stepmoms with
"male brains."
Because divorcing biomothers usually get physical
custody of their minor kids, stepfathers are more likely to have
resident stepchildren than stepmothers. This can make it easier to build adult-child
relationships (and discover dislikes) than for part-time stepmoms.
Research suggests that the odds for significant strife between
typical stepmothers and stepdaughters (specially residential and
visiting teens)
is higher than for average stepsons and stepdads. Finally..
Stepfathers may be less empathic
with, or sensitive or reactive to, marital dissatisfaction than average
stepmothers.
Reflect... can you think of other
stepfamily stressors that are gender-specific?
The Web address of this
two-page article is
http://sfhelp.org/sf/co/qa_sp.htm
Background
Questions you should ask about
Answers about
stepparenting continue on 