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This is one of a series of lesson-7 articles
on how to evolve a
stepfamily. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
Get the most from this worksheet by first reading...
Why This Worksheet?
Typical
stepkids have ~25 normal developmental needs, and several dozen family-adjustment
needs that biofamily kids don't have. Their family and social environments
and adult-child relationships are significantly different too. So nurturing
stepkids effectively is much more complex than in intact biofamilies.
The odds of effective nurturance
rise steeply if co-parents agree to define who is responsible for what with
each minor child.
The length of this worksheet
implies the complexity of the
shared co-parenting responsibil-ities in an average multi-home nuclear
stepfamily.
How
to Use This Worksheet
Prepare: Read and discuss the resources above, and conform that your
true Self is
your personality. If not, expect skewed result here, and work on
Acknowledge that what
responsibilities your co-parents accept and implement over time will
determine whether or not you protect your fan of descendents from inheriting the lethal [wounds +
unawareness]
Print these three pages for each
of your stepfamily kids. Because each child is unique, your co-parents will
have different goals for each child. Use colored markers to hilight key items.
Adopt a long-range point of view - e.g. the next 15 or 20 years. Imagine clearly your
focus child as an independent young adult, and picture how you want them
to be.
Find an undistracted place and allot at least 30" or
more to reflect on these questions for each child. Fill out this worksheet
alone
to avoid skewing your answers - then discuss it with other family members.
See this time as an
investment in
a priceless asset - co-creating successful young adults over many years..
Take your time.
If you feel overwhelmed, recall:
Average stepfamily co-parents like us
take four or more years to
and stabilize our several biofamilies after cohabiting. Your co-parents are evolving a vital
dynamic plan, not a
black/white legal decree. Note that "no plan" is a plan!
Consider journaling about your thoughts, emotions, and
images as you fill out the worksheets, or soon afterward. The process of doing
these sheets may be as valuable as the results...
When all your co-parents have filled out copies for each child,
then come together and compare and discuss your results
as caregiving teammates, not competitors. You may not be buddies,
and
you're all aiming for the same child-care goals!
Let your kids know
what you're doing and why. Teach
them the main results. Show these worksheets to relatives, teachers, and relevant
family-support professionals. Typical
non-steppeople greatly underestimate the
scope and complexity of your co-parenting
and
kids' needs...
Finally...
|
Use this worksheet as a resource for evolving effective
co-parenting
for your
stepfamily adults and supporters. |
Write co-parents' first names or initials over each column below:
"BP"
= bioparent, "SP" = stepparent, and "Other" = other
key nurturers, like relatives, baby sitters, older siblings, coaches, or
an au pair.
Option - use "GP" to denote a key grandparent. Edit and change these
worksheet items to fit the uniquenesses of your
stepfamily situation. Make these pages work for you all!
Review, discuss, and update these worksheets and related job
descriptions regularly - specially in your stepfamily's early years.
+ + +
Thoughts
as I start this inventory...
Tasks in italics below are
usually not needed, or are significantly different, in typical intact biofamilies.
Our Co-parenting Goal / Activities 
Continue with