Lesson 7 of 7  - evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily
	Plan a Successful  Stepfamily Wedding Manage Many Complexities - p.1 of 2  by Peter K. Gerlach, MSW Member NSRC Experts Council

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The Web address of this two-page article is http://sfhelp.org/sf/date/wedding.htm

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        This is one of a series of Lesson-7 articles on how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily. These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified profes-sional help.

        The "/" in re/marriage and re/divor-ce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily.  

        Here "wedding" means a traditional church rite and reception or a non-traditional public or private commitment celebration. "Planning" spans any bridal showers, dinners, ceremony, reception, and honey-moon.

        This two-page article is for co-parent couples and adult stepchildren who want a satisfying re/wed-ding experience for themselves and their families.

   Before reading further, take this anonymous 1-question poll about remarriage

        The article...

defines a successful wedding, and offers...

perspective on ceremonial complexity,

planning and problem-solving options,

honeymoon considerations, and..

selected wedding resources.

The  article assumes you're familiar with...

the intro to this nonprofit Web site and the premises underlying it self-improvement Lessons 1 thru 6 stepfamily facts, Q&A, and common myths common courtship danger signs, perspective on re/marriage; and... this example of a real stepfamily

        Most American stepfamily unions follow the legal divorce of one or both new mates. Others follow a prior mate's death. One or both partners have minor or grown children. This makes nuptial planning "challenging" because...

 Stepfamily Weddings are More Complex 

        Key differences between first-marriage and stepfamily celebrations include...

There are more people. Planners must consider the needs, feelings, and relationships of minor or grown kids + three or more co-parents + all their genetic and legal relatives + their respective friends; and...

Average American re/marriers are more likely to have differing religious backgrounds, races, and cultures, and wider age differences. These can promote stressful loyalty and values conflicts among everyone; and...

There are no well-accepted social norms and traditions to guide stepfamily wedding planners. That's compounded by over a dozen alien stepfamily roles like step-uncle, step-cousin, and ex father-in-law, that adults and kids aren't used to. These can cause uncertainty and confusions in deciding "How are we supposed to behave at this celebration?"

        Typical stepfamily wedding literature and consultants aren't fully aware of these factors and what they mean. They may minimize or deny this nuptial complexity, and overfocus on wedding trivia, joy, and happiness. Also...

Most stepfamily ceremonies are preceded by one or more divorces. Some guests and family members - specially kids, ex mates, grandparents, and former inlaws - may still hold strong feelings about this, which can get triggered by new nuptials. This is specially likely if a marital affair and/or an unplanned child conception brought the new partners together.

        And stepfamily weddings are unusually complex because...

Wedding ceremonies involve vows to key people, society, and God. A reality in most re/weddings is that for one or both partners, their former vows were "broken." This may cause partners to feel that vowing "'Til  death do us part" isn't realistic. And...

One or both new partners have existing kids and one or more living or dead ex mates. This can cause confusion over if and how to include the kids in the festivities and vows, and whether or not to invite the kids' other bioparent and kin to various family gatherings. 

        And finally...

The chance for grief to erupt during the festivities is high for many reasons. Stepfamily re/marriage affirms painful prior losses (broken bonds) from divorce or death, and may cause new losses some adults and kids - e.g. kids and others can lose dreams of the divorced bioparents reuniting. 

        Typical new-stepfamily couples and supporters are only vaguely aware of these combined complexities, what they mean (personal and social "problems"), and how to manage them effectively. Their unawareness and longing for marital and family happiness can promote inadequate nuptial planning, significant stress, and unhappy memories.

        With these factors in mind, let's explore...

  What's a "Successful" Wedding?

        Personal and social needs have caused wedding ceremonies in all eras and cultures. This suggests that a "successful" ceremony will fill everyone's needs "well enough." What needs?

society needs healthy citizens (e.g. blood tests), well-nurtured children raised by capable adults (vs. teen parents), and for stable, functional families; and...

family members need dignity, respect, harmony, good will, bonding, boundaries, loyalty, and social support and approval; and...

the couple needs to publicly pledge their commitment and love, formally accept the roles of committed partners; and to experience the support of friends and family in starting their life together; and...

their kids need to have their feelings validated and respected, and to be reassured that their parent's choosing a new mate will not lower their family status and/or security. Typical new stepkids and stepsiblings have many other needs they need informed adult help to fill over time; and...

many people need to sanctify the sacred union of two loving people in the presence of God and community; and...

friends and well-wishers need to demonstrate their support for the couple and to re-affirm the profound specialness of a spousal commitment.

        Inevitably, some of these needs will conflict, so partners and supporters do well to agree on...

  Whose Wedding Needs Come First?

        Premise - long-term marital and stepfamily harmony is most likely if each mate steadily wants to put..:

• their personal integrity and wholistic health first. This includes commitment to personal recovery from any psychological wounds. Then put...

• their primary relationship solidly second, and then...

• put everyone else's short-term needs third, including your kids - except in clear emergencies.

Notice your reaction to this idea. Typical Grown Wounded Child (GWC) may intellectually agree with this scheme, but their actions may put their mate's or kids' needs first out of anxiety, shame, and/or guilt. That promotes eventual re/divorce.

        Implication - for each nuptial-planning dispute you mates encounter, discuss...

• Whose needs are we trying to fill - ours, or someone else's?

• "What option is best for my dignity, integrity, and self-worth here?; then...

• "What wedding option is best for yours?"; then...

• "What option seems best for the long-term health of our relationship?", and then...

• "What's best long term for our kids and other key people?"

If both mates can't adopt this scheme consistently - RED LIGHT!

        To create the best chance for successful nuptial events, take these...

Pre-planning Steps

       Because of stepfamily complexities, thoughtful wedding planning is more important than in first nuptials. Use this checklist after your dating turns "serious"...

__ 1)  Evaluate honestly whether either of you is a Grown Wounded Child (GWC). If so, patient wound-reduction should be among your highest personal and joint  priorities. Lesson 1 here provides a way  to do this. Also evaluate other key stepfamily adults for significant psychological wounds. Divorce usually indicates them in ancestors and prior mates.

__  2)  Agree that "we are a stepfamily" vs. "just a (bio)family." Then draw a multi-generational family diagram to identify who belongs to your stepfamily. Include every living and dead adult and child that each stepchild includes as "my family." Use this article to resolve any membership disputes.

__  3)  Mates make major progress together on self-improvement Lessons 1-7 before deciding to commit. Augment this by reading and discussing several books on stepfamily life. Then Each mate invest time and energy...

• reviewing and discussing these stepfamily myths and realities,

• assessing for any of these danger signs, and then...

• answering these key questions honestly.

Ignoring these three steps suggests well-meaning false selves are making your decisions. That risks your vows and dreams going unfulfilled over future years and possible psychological or legal re/divorce trauma for all of you..

        If you ignore these three steps, you risk planning your wedding using inappropriate biofamily norms and expectations - and regretting it.

         More vital pre-planning steps...

__  4)  Agree on your mutual long-term priorities. If both of you mates aren't comfortable with the scheme above, expect significant stress before, during, and after your ceremony.

__  5)  Get clear together on...

• whether you see your union as joining two people, two or more homes, three or more families, or all of these. "All of these" is the normal reality. Acknowledging this will affect...

• how you mates define "a successful wedding," and...

• who's responsible for the success of your wedding, reception, and honeymoon; and...

• who you want to help you plan these - e.g. your kids, your parents, key siblings, any ex mates, and perhaps a professional consultant.

__  6)  Tell kids and others months in advance of your plan to commit. Expect many questions and a range of reactions. If kids seem resistant or unsupportive, listen to them, vs. trying to reassure or persuade them. Bioparents, expect your kids to test who comes first with you - them, your new mate, or any stepsiblings. When they test, explain your priorities to them (above) and expect "resistance."

__  7)  Create several chances for members of all three co-parents' biofamilies to meet each other socially, including kids. The more such meetings, the lower the odds of awkwardness and discomfort at your wedding gatherings - unless some kinfolk are burdened with some of these common stressors..

__  8)  Invite key family adults and supporters to read and discuss at least the articles in the box at the top of this article. The best option is to have them study and discuss Lesson 7, for all your sakes. One of five major stepfamily hazards is ignorance!

Do these pre-planning steps seem useful and reasonable or "unnecessary"? Because most U.S. stepfamily re/marriages fail psychologically or legally, these steps are as vital as a careful pre-flight check for jumbo-jet pilots.

        After progressing on these steps, you partners and your supporters are ready to design a satisfying commitment celebration!

  Celebration-Planning Options

        High-tech cameras will probably capture many of your shower, wedding, reception, and honeymoon sights and sounds. How often you review these in future years, with whom, and whether reviewing brings you fond or painful memories all depend on how well prepared you partners were to plan your celebration. 

        The ideas below focus on aspects of nuptial planning that are unique to, and often conflictual in, typical multi-generational stepfamilies.

        First, you partners help each other assess honestly "Who's leading our planning process - our wise true Selves, or other well-meaning subselves?" The latter are likely to skew and sabotage your plans. Then...

        Read and discuss these ideas about evaluating stepfamily advice. Then...

        Ensure that each of your planners...

__  accepts your stepfamily identity and what it means;

__  understands clearly how to identify and resolve values, stepfamily membership, and loyalty conflicts, and relationship triangles. Then ensure that...

__  everyone understands these hazards, and __  what you mates' long-term priorities are, and __ why you choose them. 

Key Questions

        Thoroughly discuss seven or more complex re/wedding decisions. With your shared priorities in mind, identify and compare each of your primary needs, and negotiate mutually-acceptable compromises on .

• Who shall we ask to officiate at our wedding?

• How shall I design my vows?

• How do we want to word our wedding invitation?

• Should anyone change their last name?

• Do either of us want to include existing kids in our ceremony and other gatherings?

• Do you and/or I need to invite the kids' other bioparent/s to our ceremony? To our reception?

• Which of my and/or your kids' relatives should we invite to each of our gatherings before, during, and after the ceremony?

        Let's look at each of these questions...

Q1 - Who shall we ask to officiate at our wedding?

        Whatever your religious or spiritual faith is, your best choice for a facilitator is someone who is familiar with divorced families and stepfamily re/marriages. This is specially true if you seek pre-re/marital counseling (which I strongly recommend).

        Clergy who don't know stepfamily realities may give you inappropriate (biofamily-based) advice on celebration planning and vows. See these options for selecting a knowledgeable guide.
 

Q2 - How shall I design my vows? Who's making my vows - my true Self, or ''someone else''? Who's making your vows? Are we making joint vows, individual pledges, or both?

        My experience as a veteran stepfamily therapist suggests that the two biggest reasons that most  U.S. re/marriages fail are mates' unawareness and unrecognized psychological wounds. If either of you partners isn't sure your true Selves are guiding you,  defer all wedding plans for your and your kids' sakes, and work on   Lesson 1 together.

        Then study Lesson 7. The best time to do these is before you exchange vows! Your relatives and supporters will probably not understand the importance of these Lessons and may pooh-pooh them. Don't listen!

        Unlike first marriers, you mates  are each committing to...

yourself and your partner, and... your Higher Power, if any; and... one or more minor and/or grown kids, and... the kids' other co-parent/s, and... any "ours" children you new mates conceive, and...

any new mates the other co-parent/s have or will choose, and... their existing and future kids, if any; and... each relative you and/or your kids deem as "important," including "ex in-laws."

        Your and their attitudes and actions will affect each of you for many years. This justifies thoughtful meditation on what you want your nuptial vows and actions to express.

        Avoid future regret and guilt from breaking a well-meant vow to love your stepkids "like my own." Genuine love may develop over some years of living together or it may never occur. Work towards mutual respect and friendship - love may be a bonus. A better option is to say something like "...and (stepchild name), I pledge to respect, protect, and nurture you across our coming years to the best of my ability."

        Option - as part of your vows, read your stepfamily mission (vision) statement together. This can invite everyone to think about what they're trying to do with their family. Win-win!

        Another important planning decision is...
 

Q3 - How should we word our wedding invitation?

        Because you have members of three or more multi-generational biofamilies to consider, traditional invitation text may not express what you want - or what's real. For instance, you two might want to say "Please join us in celebrating our love and commitment, and the founding of our stepfamily" (or "... the blending of our families and futures," or... )

         Your nuptial announcements and invitations are a rare chance for you to publicly affirm your migration from biofamily to stepfamily. People who aren't aware of stepfamily realities and/or who want to avoid them may be uncomfortable if you two choose such a declaration. Long-term, it's better to know that and seek to admit and reduce the discomfort over time.

        If you don't acknowledge your new stepfamily identity in print and in your vows, you imply to your guests that this is pretty similar to a traditional (first) wedding. Personally, legally, and spiritually, it is similar. From a family-system perspective, you're planning a stepfamily wedding. They are very different!

        Declaring your stepfamily identity in your wedding invitations, programs, and newspaper announcements will help you recognize people who resist this reality. This can help you two choose people best able to support you as you encounter your mix of alien stepfamily problems over the coming years.

        If you affirm your new stepfamily identity in your invitations and announcements, expect raised eyebrows, puzzlement, kidding, c/overt criticism, or indifference. Well-intentioned supporters who focus only on wedding-ceremony success rather than long-term stepfamily success may counsel you against such an affirmation. View such reactions as normal stepfamily unawareness, and don't comply!

Continue....