Stepfamily weddings, continued from p. 1...

        Reminder - as you negotiate decisions on these complex questions, help each other stay aware of your long-term goal - to evolve a high-nurturance ("functional") stepfamily together to protect your descendents from the lethal [wounds + unawareness] cycle.

        Another re/marriage-planning question to negotiate is...
 

Q4 - Should anyone change their last name?

        If a single mom takes her new husband's last name, it will differ from her existing kids' name - unless all agree that the stepdad will legally adopt his stepkids (which is not the norm). Typical biofathers and some kids and/or relatives oppose this.

        Different last names can cause unexpected confusions in social and medical situations and kids' school conferences ("You're Serena's biological Mother? I thought...") Former and new wives with the same last name can also cause awkward misunderstandings ("No, I'm Norman's second wife.")

        Changing your last name will require altering legal documents like driver's licenses, voter registrations, wills, credit cards; medical records, bank, social security, and insurance accounts, parenting agreements, and loan contracts. These may need changing anyway, if you move into a new home.

        Kids, ex mates, grandparents, adult siblings, and others can have strong opinions about whether a re/marrying mother should change her last name. This can promote major values and loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles among everyone. So - discuss this issue well in advance with each child and adult affected, and use your marital priority scheme to decide together.

        For more perspective on stepfamily names, see this and this after you finish here.

        The next set of challenging nuptial-planning questions is...

Q5 - Do either of us need to include existing kids in our ceremony and/or other gatherings? If so, how? Does each child want to participate? What if some of us disagree on this?

        Answering these questions honestly requires each of you partners to use your priorities to weigh many factors  Common problems include...

• you mates may disagree on if and how to have kids participate;

• one or more kids may not want to participate, or may feel major anxiety, guilt, and ambivalence;

• relatives (e.g. grandparents) may have strong opinions for or against; and

• a child and their other bioparent may disagree.

        Including kids in your vows and your nuptials demonstrates that this is a stepfamily commitment ceremony, not just a re/marital one. 

        Whatever mix of problems you encounter,

• key: keep your true Selves in charge;

• choose a long-range view and use your shared marital priorities to guide you;

• grow your competence and confidence at spotting and handling loyalty and values conflicts and relationship triangles. You will encounter several of these in making each of your nuptial questions; and...

• Use respectful empathic listening to poll adults' and kids needs and opinions on this issue. Give everyone plenty of time to weigh and discuss kids' participation with each other - and retain the right to make the final decision as a couple without guilt;

• don't force unwilling kids to participate or try to please everyone!

        Don't assume that adult kids will be "mature" about your wedding celebration and commitment. If they've inherited psychological wounds and/or haven't grieved their losses well enough, they may be resentful, hostile, critical, "indifferent," :"disinterested," angry, and/or "depressed."

        They may subtly or openly reject their new stepparent, stepsiblings, and/or step-kin - specially if a child is aligned with their other bioparent. If they've repressed or disguised their real attitudes and loyalties. the wedding will probably force them to disclose them.

        Be alert to how your respective parents feel about your youngsters taking an active part in the nuptial festivities. The seniors may have unrealistic expectations of you and the kids unless they've accepted that you're forming a stepfamily, and have begun learning stepfamily basics and realities (Lesson 7).

        If both you mates have kids, their respective grandparents may show or imply favoritism for their blood descendents over "those other children." See this article on relatives' favoritism for more perspective and options.

        As you see, including your kids in your celebration is not a trivial decision - so begin discussing this planning decision with everyone - including ex mates - early in your planning!

        Another complex planning decision that first-marriers don't face is...

Q6 -  How shall we include the kids' other bioparent/s and their relatives?

        This becomes a group of questions, like...

• Do we mates each genuinely accept that our kids' "other (bio)parents" and their relatives - and any new partner/s and stepkids - are full members of our stepfamily?

• Should we invite the kids' other bioparent/s to our ceremony? To our reception?

• Where should s/he (and any new partner) sit?

• What if s/he declines? What if s/he accepts?

• Should s/he (or they) be acknowledged in the ceremony? Participate in it?

• Either way, what do each of our kids and relatives need about these questions?

• Who's needs come first with us here?

        Notice your thoughts and feelings right now. Discuss one question at a time, using a long-range view, your stepfamily mission statement, your Bill of personal Rights, and these wise guidelines.

        If either of you have significant problems with your kids' other parent/s, then debating if and how to include them your nuptials can foster major loyalty conflicts and relationship triangles among you all. 

       Use the sample pros and cons below to help you planners move toward balanced compromises and decisions on these questions...

        More specifically...

• Which of my kids' relatives (e.g. my ex-mate's biofamily) should we invite to the shower / dinner / ceremony / reception?

• Which of your children's relatives?

• What if they don't come? What if they do come?

• Who's needs rank highest in answering these questions?

• Are our true Selves deciding these questions?

        If  you mates disagree on your answers, you have one or more values conflicts to negotiate. Note that the social conventions you're all use to were probably designed to fit first-wedding norms and traditions, not stepfamily re/weddings. Consider these guidelines to help you find acceptable compromises in any  conflicts.:

        "Will inviting this relative...

• enhance my integrity and self respect?"  and...

• strengthen our primary relationship long term?;" and...

• help fill the primary needs of each child affected by our re/marriage?"; and...

• enhance the long term bonding and nurturance level of our extended stepfamily?

        The more confidently you can answer "yes" to each of these, the more likely you'll feel good in the future that you invited this relative to your celebration. For more perspective on step-relatives, read this article when you're done here.

        The last nuptial challenge you and your kids have is...

Planning Your Honeymoon

        An ideal honeymoon allows a new couple to rest after their hectic wedding activities, relish their commit-ment-celebration experience, and enjoy intimacy without distraction.

        The needs of dependent kids and their other bioparent/s make stepfamily honeymoon-planning complex. Depending on how many kids there are, how old they are, money, legal parenting and custody agreements, and other factors, typical re/marrying couples choose between...

Five Options

Accept that current money, parenting, and work responsibilities make any kind of honeymoon impractical for now, and agree "We don't need one;" or new spouses can...

make complex arrangements to ensure minor kids are safe, and enjoy a token (e.g. a local motel) or a classic honeymoon alone together. If that's not feasible, new partners...

bring one or more kids along on a honeymoon trip - perhaps vowing a lovers-only trip in the future; or couples may...

plan a two-part trip, first with minor children, then alone - or vice versa; or new spouses may...

defer a honeymoon until money, kids, work, and other factors allow it.

        Because many people are involved, choosing among these options usually causes values and loyalty conflicts. Your honeymoon discussions will illustrate who comes first with each of you - your Self, your relationship, your kids, or someone else. This may be one of the first times custodial minor kids really experience being ranked "second place" to their new stepparent.

        Whichever honeymoon option you pick, you can expect some friends or family members to criticize your decision. ("You newlyweds are taking Allen and Rosa with you to Aruba? Aren't your priorities a little wacko?") Such people probably  discount your stepfamily identity and/or they don't know what it means.

If you mates have progressed on these vital Lessons together, you can resolve any nuptial disputes effectively!