The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/sf/help/books.htm
Clicking links below will open a full window or an informational popup,
so please turn off your
browser's popup blocker or allow popups from this nonprofit, ad-free Web site.
If your browser doesn't support Javascript the popups may not display/
This YouTube clip previews much of what you'll find in this article:
This is one of a series of Lesson-7 articles
on howtoevolve a
high-nurturance stepfamily.
These articles augment, vs. replace, other
qualified
professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce
notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both
bioparents, or any of the
three or more
related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home
nuclear stepfamily.
This article extends this
one by suggesting how to choose practical (useful) printed and
electronic materials about
remarriage and stepfamily co-parenting. The article exists because
few readers know what they need to know, and can't choose wisely
among many competing self-help titles and articles on these subjects.
This article assumes you're familiar with...
the
intro to this Web site,
and the premises
underlying it
A high percentage of average U.S. stepfamilies are significantly stressed,
and over half eventually break up.
Premise - to form and maintain a high-nurturance
("functional") family,
typical adults need to be aware of all these topics. My clinical experience suggests that
over 90% of typical American adults aren't aware of them, and don't know
what that ignorance means for them and their kids.
One thing it means is average adults can't discern practical
divorce-recovery, stepfamily, and re/marriage books from those that are
anecdotal and superficial, misinformed, and/or impractical.
Thescope of knowledge that
stepfamily (and other) adults need is far broader than what typical authors cover.
Result: most books and articles in this genre are
too limited in scope. In other words, most authors and
publishers don't know what they need to know to fully inform
their readers.
Typical lay and professional
book reviewers give many stepfamily-related
books glowing (misleading) reviews without really knowing how to judge
them critically. Evidence of this is the high percentage of stepfamily
titles that are "out of print."
Who Buys Stepfamily Books - and Why?
My
three decades of professional research and experience (including publishing
six self-help books) suggests...
most readers are prospective, novice, and stressed
stepmothers and re/married biomothers;
stepparents'
supporters, likerelatives
and close friends;
(some)
stepfathers and re/married
biofathers who are in crisis and fear re/divorce;
some
human-service professionals, including clergy, seeking to help their
divorcing and stepfamily clients.
And
some
book-buyers are...
academically interested, like librarians, students, instructors,
social researchers, and media professionals.
Listening to over 1,000 typical stepfamily adults (and my personal
experience) has taught me that these readers want...
courtship information. to better judge what
they're committing to; or...
validation that they are like other co-parents, and are not
"crazy" or "weird;" and/or...
to better
understand and name their
alien stepfamily problems; and/or...
practical
advice from credible authors on how to identify and
resolve specific stepfamily
problems;
and...
useful
resources like organizations,
support groups, classes, Web sites, and other books; and...
optimism and hope
that they can improve their situation. And...
Some stepfamily readers seek authors who
hilight Christian and Biblical principles and advice in their text.
And typical self-help
readers want...
a
stimulating reading experience, vs. slogging through some dry,
over-detailed textbook. This partly explains the sales appeal
of autobiographical books, often by "successful" (still
married) veteran stepmoms.
Can
you think of other reasons people would buy stepfamily-related books?
An Unrecognized Paradox
My
research and experience suggest that average U.S. adults (like you?)
have unknowingly inherited the lethal [wounds + unawareness]
cycle
from their ancestors. They and our society deny, minimize, or ignore the
cycle and its toxic
effects.
Therefore, most adults aren't inherently interested in four essential
topicsuntil they and/or their kids are significantly stressed....
The paradox is: most adults need this knowledge to avoid or resolve significant
problems in any family - yet from ignorance and
denial, there is no demand for information on these topics from
authors and publishers. Until you study these interrelated
topics, you can't appreciate this paradox.
Reality check: to understand this
paradox, take these
quizzes
and learn what you (and most adults) don't know they need to learn.
What Do You Need?
Premise - to be useful, books and articles need to satisfy
readers' needs. hundreds of average single parents and stepfamily adults
have taught me that
most people don't know how to
discern what they really need.
To understand this claim, read these three
examples of "digging down" to discern
current primary stepfamily needs. Then reflect: what specific needs are you
trying to fill via reading stepfamily books or articles? Possibilities:
If you seek practical
courtship advice on how to choose the right
people (mate, stepkids,
other parent, and kin) to commit to, for the right
reasons, at the right
time - my (biased)
opinion is there is only one
practical book available:
Stepfamily Courtship (Xlibris.com, 2002). I wrote this book
because I could find no others that provided thorough, practical advice
about how to make these three vital courtship choices.
If you seek
affirmation, clarification and validation of your
current stepfamily experience (i.e. you need reassurance you're normal
and OK), then any book that includes examples of and direct quotes
from real stepfamily members will probably please you - specially if it's
upbeat, humorous, and optimistic, and has heart-warming outcomes.
If
you seek to better understand your current re/marital
and co-parenting experience, ("Why do I feel so much irritation and
resentment for my stepdaughter?") many lay and professional authors will offer
earnest, credible surface explanations. With quotes and vignettes, they may
genuinely clarify, vs. offer solutions for, some common stepfamily problems.
However...
If you seek effective solutions to stepfamily role and
relationship problems, with rare exceptions, most lay and
professional authors'
proposed solutions will notoffer
effective strategies because...
the authors don't know the
full scope of what you
need to know, or
they focus on solving surface problems and
not the underlying causes of the problems, and/or...
their chapters provide only superficial (or
no) coverage of the
key topics you need for effective solutions - e.g. wound assessment and
recovery + effective communication + and healthy grief + stepfamily
realities.
If you have any stepfamily books nearby, check their table of contents and
index (if any) to see if this premise holds true.
Before you invest in any stepfamily book, article, or program, I
urge you to follow the suggestions below.
Finally...
If
you seek practical ways to stabilize or reduce a stepfamily
crisis (e.g. re/divorce), I know
of no books that can
provide effective help - including mine. Typical stepfamily problems are
complex, multi-layered, and often have been evolving for months or years.
Expecting a book to provide instant cures is like expecting to find diamonds
in a sandbox. This is why it's essential
for couples to research stepfamily life during
courtship!
Bottom line: Most past and current
stepfamily, stepparenting, and remarriage books are useful for
describing, validating, and illustrating common relationship problems.
And most of them will
offer only superficial or impractical advice on fixing these problems because authors and readers don't
thoroughly explore these vital
topics.
Recommendations
If you seek stepfamily or stepparenting validation, examples, and some
clarification, most stepfamily books will prove useful. Buy several, for
author's backgrounds, experience, biases, and vocabularies vary
significantly.
James' Bray and John Kelly's
Stepfamilies - Love, marriage, and parenting in the first decade
(Doubleday, 1998).
With
the above cautions in mind,
also see these other stepfamily resources for
alternative sources of help
Though each of these books has much to recommend it, none of them identify
what readers need to know and do about these combined
hazards.
I caution you to not take any book's front-cover claims or
book-endorser's quotes literally. Stepfamily roles and relationships are
complex enough that no one book can provide "all you need to know" or be "the
complete (or authoritative) guide to ____."
Premise: most book endorsers -
specially celebrities - do not know what typical readers need to
know
about stepfamily remarriage and co-parenting, and have their own agendas.
If You Seek
Solutions to Stepfamily
Problems...
There are several ways to scan a book (or a stepfamily class or program) to see if its contents are superficial
or practical.
Prepare by studying the articles in the box at the top of this article;
and...
this
introduction to the [wounds + unawareness] cycle;
these
symptoms of significant psychological wounds (do you have any?);
this overview
of the five hazards your family members face;
this
example of the several levels of typical stepfamily problems;
options for
analyzing and
resolving most role and
relationship problems,
Lesson 7
here (how to build a high-nurturance stepfamily). and...
Together, these will give you enough perspective to judge whether buying
someone's book on stepfamily solutions is worth your time and money. You
can...
Check the
author's credentials and experience. If s/he is not a veteran
therapist or counselor, it's very likely s/he will provide superficial
or impractical information and advice, no matter how many years of
stepfamily experience s/he has. My experience is that even authors with
Ph.D. or M.D. degrees don't know about these
topics
and what to do about them.
If you're single
or courting and the book doesn't have at least a full
chapter on how to make wise stepfamily
commitment decisions, look
elsewhere. If there are one or more chapters on courtship
decisions, see if the author/s provide a list of courtship
danger signs.
Know that the
book will provide only part of what you need if the Table of
Contents doesn't include at least a full chapter on:
common stepfamily
myths
and realities. Most authors hilight five or six myths out of over
60!
Without all
the chapters above, assume that any chapters on
stepparenting,
child support, discipline, visitations and
custody disputes, family
meetings, and
holidays are superficial and
anecdotal, not practical.
Religiousemphasis: if the author/s seem to give primary weight to Biblical
laws and advice rather than to knowledge like the above, expect
the book's practical use to be limited. If this offends you, please read
this. By the way, did you know that
some Biblical scholars feel that Jesus, Mary, and Joseph were a
stepfamily because of Joseph's older sons?
Another way to check a stepfamily or stepparenting book for quality is...
Scan the index,
if any, for entries like these:
balance
bonds or bonding
communication
counseling
courtship
danger signs
denial
dysfunction
expectations
fears
grief (or mourning)
guilt
inclusion and/or exclusion
losses
loyalty conflicts
membership conflicts
myths
personality
priorities
problem solving
recovery
redivorce
relationship triangles
priorities
self
shame
stepchildren's needs
stepfamily identity
support
true Self
values conflicts
wounds
The more of
these topics in a book and the more pages per topic, the more likely the book is
practical. Books without an index are usually anecdotal and of less
value in solving stepfamily problems.
Scan the content to see if the author/s include
both
bioparents (both living ex mates) of a minor or grown stepchild in their
definition of "your (nuclear) stepfamily." If they don't, look
elsewhere.
Together, these criteria can help you choose stepfamily, stepparenting, and
remarriage how-to books and programs that are practical and useful.
Recap
Typical divorcing-family and stepfamily co-parents and supporters need
validation, education, practical advice, and inspiration. Many authors and
publishers try to fill these needs with how-to books and articles.
Readers face a
bewildering array of new and used books on divorce-recovery, stepfamilies,
stepparenting, and remarriage to choose from -
and most people don't know how to choose the best books.
From 32 years'
stepfamily research and clinical experience, this article proposes (a) what
typical readers need, (b) why most books in this genre seldom offer useful
information and advice, and (c) specific recommendations on how to choose
usefulpublications and programs about stepfamilies.
Also see these related articles on evaluating stepfamily
advice, and picking an effective
stepfamily counselor.
+ + +.
Pause, breathe, and recall why you read this article. Did you get what
you needed? If so, what do you need now? If not - what
do
you need? Is there anyone you want to
discuss these ideas with?
Who's
answering these
questions - your wise resident
true Self,
or
''someone else''?
The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/sf/help/books.htm
What's The Problem? 
If You Seek
Also see these related articles on evaluating stepfamily
