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- how to evolve a high-nurturance stepfamily |
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How to Form and Maintain
an Effective Self-help Group
By Peter K. Gerlach, MSW
Member NSRC Experts Council |
 The Web address of this article is
http://sfhelp.org/sf/help/group1.htm
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This is the first of four
Web
pages
focusing on
building an effective support group for stepfamily bio-parents and stepparents
("co-parents").
This article assumes you're familiar with...
Why This Article?
Average stepfamily adults
need more
help ("support") with their and their
kids' many concurrent stressors than first-marriers. One source of such help is
an effectively-run co-parent support group. In my
experience as a stepfamily therapist since 1981, these are rare in most
U.S.
communities.
Based on my experience participating and leading over 15 stepfamily support
groups, This
article outlines key steps toward developing a
group in which most participants steadily feel that (a) their main needs (below) are
met often enough, in ways that leave each member feeling good about
themselves, each other, and their group process.
Contents
-
What
is support (as in "support group")?
-
Ways to start a group
-
How to maintain (run) an effective group,
and...
-
Q&A
about co-parent support groups.
What Is
"Support"?
Premise - in stressful times, average people need to...
vent;
and...
feel validated, "normal," and encouraged; and...
learn and problem-solve;
and we need to...
socialize and
help others; and...
feel realistic hope for the future. And typical kids and adults
need...
appropriate
touching, like hugs and pats on the back.
Can you think of other
needs that mutual-help groups fill? Here's some perspective on each of these
common needs:
 The Need To
Vent
"Venting" is talking honestly about
current emotions, needs, and thoughts.
Effective venting
happens when the speaker feels consistently heard, respected, and
empathically understood well enough. Kids and
adults who vent and get supportive feedback may get clearer on what they
feel and need.
When listeners judge
or discount the speaker’s feelings ("You're still grieving your
divorce?"), and/or try to fix their situation ("Look, why
don’t you ..."), the speaker’s needs may not be filled.
Because typical
differ
from intact ("traditional") biofamilies in over 60 ways, co-parents often
feel little true empathy from their friends and
kin. Unless human-service professionals have had personal experience and/or special training
(which is rare), they may understand intellectually but not really empathize with
stepfamily adults or kids who vent.
So for co-parents who feel isolated, self-doubtful, confused, overwhelmed, and alone,
it can feel deeply satisfying to be
with a group of people who listen empathically and say "I know!"
Reality check: if you're in a divorcing family or a stepfamily, do you know anyone
who seems to accurately empathize with how that feels to you?
The Need To Feel
Validated
Most of the
many hundreds of co-parents
I’ve met have not studied "what’s
in average stepfamilies. They unconsciously use biofamily
norms, expectations, and trial solutions in coping with stepfamily problems.
Too often, these don’t fill kids and adults' needs well enough.
Mature women and
men struggling with concurrent, alien stepfamily
may feel confused
and overwhelmed. As rosy early-re/marriage dreams
inexorably morph into realities, partners without accurate stepfamily
may begin to doubt
their perceptions and competencies.
This is specially
likely for women, who’ve been trained by our patriarchal society to accept that
they’re mainly responsible for making their (step)family happy.
By telling parts of their current stepfamily
story and consistently having other co-parents nod and say "Yeah, we’ve had
that experience too," support group members can feel major relief
that they’re normal and OK after all.
Exception. there are
of stepfamily,
so some group participants may not find others who can fully validate their
feelings and needs. Still, a well-functioning support group can provide
affirmation that "we’re not crazy!" and "we're not alone!"
Another common reason people attend self-help groups is to fill...
The Needs To
Learn and Problem-solve
As stepfamily realities and problems
emerge, typical adults seek help to reduce their stress. They need to
learn...
-
stepfamily (vs. biofamily)
norms, and..
-
useful resources, and....
-
practical ways to
and
their problems.
An effectively-run real or
online support
group can be a great source of each of these.
Besides needs to vent, be validated, learn,
and problem-solve, average co-parents also...
Need
to Socialize and to Help Others
Many divorcing and re/married men and women (and their ex mates) carry
significant psychological wounds. Such
(GWCs) may either need or avoid social contact. They may also seek self
worth through helping other needy people.
Many
people (with minimal wounds) also enjoy fellowship and helping others.
Others are introverts and prefer to solve their own problems rather than
seek support.
Effective support-group
leaders periodically poll the members to keep the right current balance between
their needs for venting, validating, learning and problem-solving ("business"),
and just socializing together.
A benefit I’ve heard some busy re/married
mates voice is that their co-parent meetings provided a regular "date" night - a
scheduled time alone to talk, plan, and just
enjoy each other. Also, good friendships
for adults and their respective
kids can evolve from a series of support-group meetings and multi-family events.
A final powerful reason people attend mutual-help groups is to satrisfy...
The Needs for Encouragement and Hope
Typical stepfamily stressors are
concurrent and often feel alien. Several years of failed attempts to reduce
these stressors can erode hope for effective solutions in the strongest
optimist. As hope dwindles, so may courage and stamina to keep trying.
If confused, weary, and discouraged co-parents are uncomfortable seeking professional help
(or can't find any), they may hope that
"going to a group" will solve their problems.
Usually that won’t
work, since support groups and therapy groups are very
different
in objectives, design, leadership, and process. Ideally, support-group members can
tell when a newcomer needs professional help. and have a referral list of local
mental-health professionals.
Whether in a crisis or not,
all
stepfamily co-parents need sincere, credible encouragement that they can
learn to manage their problems. This is a powerful reason to start or join
a group, because many co-parents don't know other stepfamily
veterans to talk with.
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Bottom line:
adults (and kids!) in typical multi-home stepfamilies often need to vent, feel validated
and encouraged, learn what's normal, solve their confusing relationship problems, socialize, help others in need, and
strengthen realistic hopes. |
Effective co-parent support groups can help fill these needs. Conversely,
ineffective
and toxic groups promote impractical harmful advice to those who attend.
For perspective on the latter, read
this
after you finish this article.
Ways
to Start
a Co-Parent
Support Group
The initial resource needed to establish a
successful co-parent support group is one or several dedicated people. If
you are one, Bravo!
To
begin, group founders can...
-
set clear group guidelines and goals in advance, then
seek participants who agree with these goals; or...
-
get an initial co-parent gathering together
and evolve a
support-group structure and objectives from their collective input, or…
-
set some loose guidelines first, then refine them to fit
whoever shows interest.
The last option is the one I've
seen work most often.
For perspective
onj these options, let's look at...
Five Types of
Support-Group Participants
Though there
are many variations, the people I've seen who regularly attend co-parent
support groups fall into five general categories.
One trait common to all these types
is one or both mates being psychologically
and
and not knowing what that
Type 1:
Previously divorced or single
people who have a serious new relationship growing but aren't yet
committed.
They may or may not be living together. These people are aware they're a
stepfamily-to-be
(vs. denying that), and want to "get it right" this time for their and their kids’ sakes.
Such people are
probably not in a stepfamily crisis. They - specially
bioparents - want to learn relevant, accurate how-to information in advance.
They’re drawn to hearing veteran co-parents tell of their
experiences (and solutions), and knowledgeable guest speakers describe aspects of
stepfamily life.
These "newby" co-parents are apt to be more idealistic than...
Type
2: Re/married couples who are feeling confused and somewhat stressed.
They’ve
been living together for months or a few years, and are probably finding their stepfamily
doesn’t feel like what they were
expecting. One or both partners may
acknowledge they’re a stepfamily (or a "blended family"), but they
probably don’t really know what that
In these couples, one mate (usually a stepmom) is more interested in finding
and joining a support group than the other. Type 2 people are likely to be in a
custodial (vs. visitation) stepfamily home. They often have begun to encounter
serious
and
conflicts, and are uneasy about them. These pairs may or may not have
conceived kids together. One
or more of the stepkids may be "acting out" at home and/or school, and/or an ex
mate has been "causing problems."
While open to
learning, Type 2’s have a higher need for validation than Type 1’s, because
they feel somewhat blamed, misunderstood, guilty, self-doubtful, and anxious. The newcomer
may feel frustrated their spouse isn’t solidly enthused about coming - or isn't
there.
Another kind of support-seeker is...
Type
3: Adults or couples in a
major
who
are desperate for effective answers to their conflicts. They may or may not be in
therapy, and may be interested in the group on their own or because a counselor referred
them. Usually, these partners differ in their motivation to participate in a
group, and/or have different motives (needs).
These co-parents
may frustrate other group members, because they’re scared, confused,
and conflicted. Thjey may be more interested in explaining and justifying their side of
the battle, blaming (their partner, stepkid, or others), and
griping ("Ain't
it awful?"), than in mutual
problem-solving.
These co-parents can use up much group time doing these things and wanting
the group to "prove" their mate or ex is "wrong" or "bad." Typical
type-3
couples don’t know how to do
win-win
and use these lose-lose
They may resist learning how
to problem-solve out of
misplaced pride or unconscious fear.
Type 4: Re/married
co-parents who would rather meet with same-gender peers ("Let’s have a
stepmoms’ group!"). For a variety of reasons, they seem to be more
interested in venting, validation, socializing, and commiserating than effective co-ed re/marital
problem-solving.
Since 1981 I’ve seen a number of such groups form among
female
co-parents and none among their men. Understandably, gay
co-parents tend to fall in this fourth group of prospects, though they may truly seek
problem-solving.
Finally, there is...
Type 5: A large group of couples
are dating seriously or
committed,
and both mates deny or ignore their
stepfamily
These pairs don’t know what they
need to know about avoiding or resolving complex stepfamily
problems.
If they see an ad for your group, these
people think "that doesn’t apply to us." They often become the Type 3
"crisis" couples that come to a group when they have major trouble. Skillful
support-group
advertising or the
advice of an informed minister, doctor, or co-parent friend may motivate such people
to try one meeting.
You can use this typology to decide who your group is designed to serve.
Planning the First Meeting
If you’re
considering forming a support group, do you have any help so far? It’s more fun and
less work if you can find at least one other person to team with you in planning and
running the first meeting. If you can’t find a partner who’ll commit direct
participation, can you find an advisor who has started some kind of support group before?
Stepfamily couples who empower a support group together often seem to harvest
important relationship and social benefits...
The aim of the
first gathering is to meet one or more stepfamily co-parents who
are willing to help form a co-parent support group.
Set Realistic Expectations
I’ve
seen many instances where enthused organizers put a lot of effort into planning and
advertising a first support-group event. They expected dozens of participants
(in the greater Chicago area) - only to
find fewer than 10 came. The organizers felt disappointed and frustrated, and saw
their effort as a failure. Actually, that’s a pretty good first turnout.
Some
reasons why stepfamily adults don’t throng to even the
best-promoted first meeting are...
Many courting co-parents often don’t
(yet) as a stepfamily. Or if they do,
they’re apt to believe idealistically "Our love will get us through."
Either way, they see little point in seeking "stepfamily" or
"co-parent" support. And...
Most Americans choose jammed
lives, and feel they have
"too little time." Unless they're in a crisis, attending a
self-help group is a low priority.
And...
Average stepfamilies have
more minor kids (say
three or more) than their biofamily counterparts (one to three). That means less
"free" couple time. (Paradox: attending a support group is one of the best
investments of time and energy co-parents can make!)
Other reasons for not attending...
One group of veteran (re/married) co-parents feel
"OK enough," so they see little need to get support.
The other veteran group
does acknowledge significant problems and is uneasy or ashamed to admit that
publicly by going to a support group. Most U.S. stepfamily mates have
been divorced at least once. To admit that a second (or third) primary relationship feels
rocky is pretty scary. It’s safer to stay home. And...
If the
support group seems to be linked to a church,
hospital, or a mental health organization, some co-parents’ negative biases get
triggered: "Looks like a group for sick divorced people (or "Jesus
freaks") - no thanks!"
Another reality is that
some ethnic groups can be
specially private
about their family affairs. Relatives can be scathingly critical if a family member
"goes public" in a support group. Similarly, Some religious communities teach
that divorce is sinful, and re/marriage is either invalid or blasphemous.
Social pressure can powerfully inhibit such co-parents from trying out a support
group.
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The least obvious low-attendance factor (I think) is that
most stepfamily adults seem to come from
childhoods. Most
such
(GWCs) learned long
ago to be extremely independent, and not risk asking for or accepting help. This has to do
with having been repeatedly let down by key early caregivers, feeling unworthy of
help, and distrusting any that's offered. |
Despite these
combined factors, the odds are high that there are co-parents in your community
who are motivated to meet and exchange help.
Motivating People to Come...
There are several
ways to motivate (most) such people to attend an initial gathering. Here are four options I’ve seen
"work" - i.e. five or more co-parents (vs. couples) show up:
1) Advertise a support-group
"organizing" meeting. This is the least-effort and most direct route. In
my experience, it’s also the least likely to work. Despite tentative interest,
most of us (who may feel over-committed to begin with) aren’t excited about going to
an unknown place to have an "administrative" meeting with some strangers. (Have
you ever been to a fun or "really satisfying" organizational
meeting?)
Still, it’s worth trying. You may harvest even one other person who will
team up with you to try another approach. You might also connect with a sponsor. Any
advertisement will alert your community that there are stepfamilies "out there,"
who have needs and issues too...
Another option is to...
2) Hold a
public information program. Given the right advertising "spin," this
kind of initial support-group event can seem very interesting, or even fun! Several
options:
-
A moderated panel of veteran co-parents, step-teens, or both,
describing their stepfamily experiences and recommendations. To raise interest and energy,
invite audience questions and supportive comments as part of the process. My experience is
that a moderated panel of four to six people provides a lively, interesting 90"
meeting.
-
A presentation about a key stepfamily topic
(p. 4) by a qualified speaker; or...
-
Showing and discussing a stepfamily film or video;
and/or...
-
An educational stepfamily
role-playing exercise.
A third option for your first meeting is...
3) Advertise to a select audience
like these:
-
Single-parent support
groups like
Parents Without Partners (PWP). Such
groups are full of Type 1 prospects and a few twice-divorced parents.
Search the Net for possibilities;
-
Church congregations
or their adult-education committees and groups;
-
Family-related support groups like
"Rainbows" and
"Tough Love." These often have a high percentage of
(troubled and highly motivated Type 3 and 4 stepfamily co-parents;
-
Parents who've been notified through a
school or
district
PTO / PTA mailing; and…
-
Community college or other local adult-education classes
focusing on family and parenting topics.
Lesson 7 here offers many
stepfamily
articles which can help design an
interest-building presentation.
During the
introduction to any such program, mention that ideas for - and interest in - an ongoing
support group will be invited toward the end. Promoting small and large group discussions
during these programs starts a co-parent bonding and identity-building process.
I’ve
found consistently that there's a surge of enthusiasm as the co-parent participants
discover mutual stepfamily interests, experiences, and conflicts - and a wish to share
more.
Unless the program is too long, poorly
organized, or too late, many participants are often energized and "up" for
discussing an ongoing co-parent support group!
At the close of such initial events,
ask any people interested in forming a support group to meet with you briefly. Plan time
for this.
Confirm their initial interest, and invite them to a planning, exploratory,
or brain-storming meeting. Get names, phone numbers, referrals to other people or groups
who might be interested, and clear commitments for one more meeting. Iron out any
scheduling conflicts. Describe the positive benefits of a viable support group clearly.
Another way to start a group is to...
4) Offer a stepfamily class. Even if you’re a family-life
professional, I’d expect your reaction to be "But I (or we) can’t teach a
stepfamily
class!" There are several commercial
kits available
that provide agendas, materials, and leader guides for lay people to lead
their own multi-session co-parent class.
Option: tailor
Lesson 7 to fit your situation.
I’ve given dozens of 18-hour co-parent classes
since 1981. My experience is that the "best" class format...
-
is for 12 to 16 people. Couples are encouraged, but not
required;
-
has clear, enforced group rules about punctuality,
committed attendance, fees (if any), smoking, breaks, refreshments, and
confidentiality;
-
is clearly educational, not therapy (i.e. deep emotional
venting or serious interpersonal fighting is out of bounds);
-
covers the major interests and
needs (above) of the attendees over time ;
-
mixes presentations with small and large group
discussions
at each session;
-
focuses on topical problem definitions and positive
solution
options;
-
includes handouts summarizing key points, and uses worksheets
to promote couple and group discussions and value clarifications; and...
-
is informative, supportive, safe, and (at times)
fun!
One benefit
to offering a pre-structured class is that real group trust and bonding usually bloom
across the class sessions. I’ve found often that as such a class ends, the
participants don’t want to lose the empathy and comradeship that
have developed. The suggestion to keep meeting - and perhaps expanding to include others
in the community - is often welcome.
OK - if you’ve done one or more of these first
meetings, hopefully you’ll have harvested several other co-parents solidly interested
in forming a support group. Now what?
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Continue by
exploring how to hold an