This page offers
(a) answers to key
questions about stepfamily support groups, and (b) selected support-group
resources.
Q&A about co-parent
support groups
1) When is a co-parent support group
useful?
2) What is an
effective support group?
3) What
happens in a typical
support-group meeting?
4) How
can I
find co-parent local support
groups?
5) How can we
evaluate a prospective
group?
6) Are
there any
risks in participating in a
co-parent support group?
7) What if one partner wants to use
a group and their mate doesn't?
8) What are
common problems in a
co-parent support group?
9) What are the traits of an
effective support-group (co)leader?
10) What's involved in
starting an effective co-parent support
group?
11) Are there support groups for
stepkids?
12) Are there
any
resources available to help us
start or maintain a co-parent support group?
If you don't see your
question here, please
ask!
Q1)
When is a co-parent support group
useful?
The best time for typical
stepfamily co-parents to seek an effective support group is before
they're in a crisis - i.e.
in the first several years after co-committing and
cohabiting.
Typical co-parents
don't know what they need to know about inheriting psychological
healthy grief,
and stepfamily
realities,
teamwork
and adjustment
tasks, so exchanging
information with other stepparents and bioparents early can motivate
them to study these vital topics.
Ideally,
stepfamily mates will have taken this
self-improvement
while courting.
They may also want to attend a co-parent (vs. "stepparent") class if they can find
one. In classes that meet for several weeks, student couples often bond and
form informal support groups that continue after the class ends.
When stepfamily mates and relatives are seriously
stressed, they should consider qualified
rather than a support group.
Typical lay-led support groups
can provide priceless empathy, validation, and encouragements - and
they often lack the knowledge, wisdom, and
group-dynamic skills to guide troubled couples toward effective
solutions.
Group leaders who don't refer couples
in crisis to
professional helpers can evolve a room full of people bitching,
blaming, venting, and playing "ain't-it-awful," vs. helping each other do
constructive
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Q2)
What is an effective
support group?
It's one which fills the stepfamily-related
and other
needs of it's participants well
enough, often enough. This suggests the value of co-parents knowing
specifically what they need as they seek or start
a group, and how to evaluate a group before joining. Typical co-parents attend mutual-help groups to...
-
vent, and be
heard and accepted without judgment;
-
feel validated, normal, and respected;
-
learn and problem-solve;
-
socialize and help others (i.e. to feel useful); and to…
-
build and keep realistic hopes .
Can you think of other motives? See
this for more
detail.
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Q3)
What happens in a typical
support-group meeting?
Every group is unique in composition and character, and will have its own
format and
agenda. Typical
support-group sessions include...
a welcome to old and new members,
and an invitation to each person to "check in" - i.e. to say a few
words about how they are and what they need from the group in this
meeting;
an agenda summary, and any group
"business" discussion like finances, advertising, location, or
format issues;
perhaps an opening prayer and/or
reminder of the group's purposes;
a venting and problem-solving
period, moderated by the group leader/s;
an optional focus on a particular
topic or theme, perhaps with a guest
speaker;
some unstructured "social time" with refreshments; and...
closing words, and reminders about the
next meeting.
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Q4)
How can we find local co-parent support
groups?
My experience is that stepfamily (co-parent) support groups are rare because
(a) typical family-support organizations are under-funded and overworked, (b)
their leaders often aren't aware of the great need for stepfamily support
groups; and (c) co-parents aren't making their needs known.
To find if any groups exist near you,
search the Web for
"stepfamily, blended family, co-parenting, or stepparenting support (or self-help)
groups"; and...
call local churches, hospital
outpatient-service departments, school counseling departments or
PTO's, and public and private mental health agencies. Be alert for the difference
between stepparent groups (stepmoms and/or stepdads only),
and co-parent groups (all stepfamily caregivers).
If you find no groups, consider
starting one (Q10 below) with other interested
co-parents, and/or search the Internet. There are now many active
"forums," "message boards," and "chat groups" for
co-parents. Investigate the Web links here for starters.
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Q5)
How can we
evaluate a prospective group?
Find out...
How
long the group has existed, and whether it has a reputable
sponsoring organization;
What
are the goals
of the group, and who is it for?
How
often does it meet, where, and how long are the meetings?
Who leads the group, and
what are their credentials in (a) stepfamilies, and (b) group
leadership?
How many people
usually attend. Is their a limit?
What
are the group's guidelines and
policies about punctuality, confidentiality, punctuality, spirituality,
group conflicts, sobriety, child care, and referrals to professional help;?
Are
group participants screened in any way (preferable), or is the group open to anyone?
Are
meeting agendas free-form, or are there
topical
discussions? (preferable). Are there guest speakers?
Is
the group open to courting co-parents, or just those who have already
vowed their commitments?
Does the group use and/or
refer to a local mental-health consultant? If so, who, and does s/he
have any
training in stepfamily realities and problems?
Are there any racial, religious, gender, and/or spiritual themes or
biases in the group?
Does
attendance cost
anything?
If you
find or start a group, an indefinable trait that will affect your experience
is the unique "chemistry" or "personality" of the mix of participants,
leader/s, and the site. Some groups feel better than others...
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Q6)
Are there any
risks in participating in a
co-parent support group?
Risks to
be alert for in any support group are...
-
A leaderless group, or
...
-
leader/s who aren't experienced with group dynamics and/or
who...
-
allow problems or promote
excessive griping and venting, rather than emphasizing education and problem-solving.
Attending such a group is often
demoralizing, frustrating, and a waste of time if you're
looking for encouragement, constructive
helpful
referrals, and group help on
problem-solving.
The other risk is group leaders or sponsors who provide or allow inaccurate or misleading information
and/or advice about stepfamily
realities
- i.e. who unintentionally promote unrealistic expectations and ineffective
solutions to your stepfamily
These are apt to increase
your stress and confusions and your need for support! To guard against
accidentally choosing such a group, invest time and effort in (at least)
co-parent
and read and discuss
this.
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Q7)
What if one partner wants to use
a group and their mate doesn't?
Such mates have a significant
Evolving an effective
strategy to manage these inevitable family stressors is more important than choosing a useful support group.
Guarantee: your related
will be
riddled with values conflicts and associated relationship
- specially in your first several
years!
In general...
Check
to see if the "anti-group" person
(a) really
accepts that you're in a
stepfamily, and (b) knows what that
If so, s/he'll believe that you're all at significant risk of years of
stress and eventual psychological or legal
re/divorce for
Option: work at
self-improvement
together, if
you haven't yet. Procrastination, ambivalence, or
reluctance to do this suggests one or both of you may be ruled by a
Use
concepts and
resources to ensure that your
true Selves
are
your respective
Then...
As partners,
below your
surface needs ("I just want to talk to other stepparents
") to discern the
underneath ("Parts
of my personality are confused, insecure, guilty, and worried that I'm
doing something wrong, and they really need credible, empathic
validation and reassurance from others whose judgment I respect and
trust."); and...
As teammates, review your short-term and long-term
to see if they
match. If not, you mates have a major
to resolve.
Then...
Review this
article and these common communication
blocks
and tips to see if
your communication
is hindering an acceptable compromise.
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Q8)
What are common problems in a
co-parent support group?
A problem is one or more unfilled needs
(discomforts). Support-group "problems" occur when the participants don't get their
needs met (Q2 above).
Most such problems result from poor group planning or leadership (below) and stepfamily ignorance.
Problems may include:
-
excessive griping, blaming, and
whining
-
one or more members dominating the
meeting
-
inaccurate, superficial, or
impractical stepfamily advice
-
leader/s allowing arguing,
interrupting, and disrespect
-
not enough relevant, accurate
education
-
lack of confidentiality
-
not referring to competent
professional help when appropriate
-
not starting or ending on time
-
an uncomfortable or distracting
setting
-
participants smoking or using
chemicals
Support-group planners and
leaders should know how to avoid or manage problems like these. The
participants share ultimate responsibility for
and
their needs clearly
and respectfully, and for deciding whether to continue attending or not.
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Q9)
What
are the traits of an effective support-group leader?
An effective group leader (a) stays aware of what the
participants need (Q2 above), and is able to guide
the group so that most people get most of their needs met well enough most of the time. To do this consistently, leaders need traits like
these:
Their
(capital "S")
guide their
or
s/he is in effective true (vs. pseudo)
from
psychological
and...
A
genuine enjoyment of socializing, an interest in families,
and
a strong motivation to fill personal and
group-participants' needs, and enough
self-confidence to work at guiding the group despite significant
challenges; and...
Knowledge
of, and experience with, (a) group dynamics, and (b) managing common "group
problems" effectively using these
and...
Knowledge of stepfamily
hazards, problems,
realities, and merger-tasks; and...
Enough personal support + time for the
group +
balance in their lives.
Can you think of other core requisites for effective
support-group leadership? See
this for more perspective.
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Q10)
What's involved in
starting a co-parent support
group?
If there are no
effective co-parent support-groups near you (Q2 above), consider starting and maintaining
one yourself.
Doing so is a lot of work - and a richly rewarding community-service project!
Tailor and build on these experience-based suggestions.
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Q11)
Are there effective support groups for stepkids?
They are rare. Typical stepkids have a
daunting array of concurrent
developmental and family-adjustment needs. In
31 years' full-time
professional work with Chicago-area stepfamilies, I only found two
groups to help stepkids with these complex needs. One was at a suburban
public high school, and was created and sponsored by two dedicated social workers. The
other was sponsored by a community mental-health agency, and was for the
kids of adults who were attending their own support group.
Average co-parents and mental-health workers aren't aware of
the scope or complexity of stepkids' needs, and kids can't
understand or articulate them. The net result is that most kids survive as
best they can, unintentionally stressing their co-parents who have their own array of
concurrent domestic,
and
alien stepfamily-
and
needs and
tasks.
One bright spot in this picture is the non-profit
Rainbows organization, which sponsors lay-led grief-support groups for kids and
adults around the country. A main focus is helping children of divorce or
parent death grieve their losses (broken bonds). This partially counteracts many wounded,
unaware co-parents who unintentionally
the family "anti-grief"
they grew up with. This toxic bequest is the reason for this Web site.
Options...
contact your church,
school PTO or PTA, or local mental-health agency and ask if they would
do a needs-assessment survey
to see if organizing a support group for stepkids in your community
would be justified; and...
scan the non-profit
National Stepfamily Resource
Center (NSRC) for possibilities.
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Q12)
Are there any resources available to help us start or maintain a
co-parent support group?
Yes. Before
choosing resources for your group, consider this
perspective on evaluating stepfamily information and advice.
Then
start with this
article. Then review the resources below.
Note that
none of them acknowledge these
and the scope of information you'll find in
here.
If any of the following is inaccurate, please let me
know.
Effective
Stepparenting is a 158-page softcover workshop guide covering
developing roles and creating a new
divided loyalties, the "instant
love" myth, competition, discipline, and family rules. Questionnaires, checklists,
exercises, and a bibliography are included. Available from the
Alliance for
Children and Families) ~$20;
Smart Steps
for Adults and Children in Stepfamilies -
developed by Dr. Francesca Adler-Baeder and colleagues. This 12-hour research-based,
educational program curriculum is for remarried or partnering couples and
their children, and focuses on building couple and family strength. The
program uses informational presentations, hands-on exercises, group
discussions, and media.
The 250+ page Curriculum includes: leader lesson
guides for adult and child programs, background readings, hand-out masters,
resource list pre/post evaluation questionnaires, two videos (the movie,
"Stepmom" and "Smart Steps Video Vignettes"), and CD with power point slides,
hand-out files, and evaluation forms). Order from the
National Stepfamily
Resource Center
(NSRC).
$150.00
Starting
and Operating Support Groups: a Guide for Parents; (1992); 22 pages, published
by The Family Resource Coalition of America:
(now "Family Support America") 200 S.
Michigan Ave., 16th floor; Chicago, IL, 60604: Item # CO13, about $5.00. (312)-341-0900;
FAX: 312-314-9361.
"...This manual defines support groups,
gives (parents) tips for planning the first and subsequent meetings, and offers
thoughts on
maintaining a healthy group...."
This is written for parents in general, not
stepfamily co-parents. It’s a wealth of practical ideas from those who have done
it before. Other references are included.
Strengthening Stepfamilies, by Linda
Albert and Elizabeth Einstein (1986), is a
set of three audio tapes, participant workbooks, exercises, and leader materials. It's
flexible and modular, and can be done on a weekend or (better) in five sessions.
Main topics include "The Stepfamily
is Born of Loss"; "Realistic and Unrealistic Expectations"; "Effective
Stepparents"; "Stages of Stepfamily Living", and "Building Family
Unity". Tapes include vignettes on other step topics: money, conflicting needs,
ghosts from the past, "instant" love, having a new child, adoption, sexuality,
recognition, step-sib rivalry, grandparents, and others.
Designed for study groups of up to 15
people, the kit is available from
American
Guidance Service, Publishers' Building, P.O. Box 99, Circle Pines, MN
55014-1796. The kit is approximately $150, and participant packets are $23-$25 each. Order
online (select "Parenting") or call AGS at 1-800-328-2560.
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Recap
Typical multi-home stepfamilies have more people, relationships, and
problems than average intact biofamilies. Their members need
education and support, which is rare in many communities.
Based on 31 years' stepfamily research and experience with 15
co-parent support groups, this 4-page Lesson-7 article covers:
-
What
is support (as in "support group")?
-
Ways to start a co-parent support group
-
How to maintain (run) an effective group,
and...
-
Q&A
about co-parent support groups.
+ + +.
