Q23) Why are many
stepfamily relationships stressful, and what can be done
to reduce that?
Basic reasons:
-
one or more adults are significantly
and don't (want to) know that, what it
or what to
about it;
-
most adults and all kids don't know
how to communicate and problem-solve
-
most adults aren't aware of stepfamily
and have unrealistic role and relationship
expectations which cause everyone ongoing
or escalating frustration, confusion, guilts, and conflict;
-
most stepfamilies have many concurrent
(exclusion),
and
conflicts, and relationship
and typical adults and supporters don't know how to manage them
effectively;
-
many typical stepfamily members haven't
adequately
key
(broken bonds), and don't know how to
that, what it
means, or what to
about it;
-
many minor and grown stepkids have up
several dozen concurrent
developmental
and adjustment needs that they need
informed adult help with - and get little or none;
-
the divorced parents of many stepkids have
significant
over kids and money, which polarize homes and family members into
opposing camps - specially if parents initiate costly, draining court
battles;
-
often, needy, wounded, unaware stepfamily
couples made up to three unwise
which breed multiple
surface problems after their romantic idealism inevitably fades;
and...
-
adults can find little
effective
with their problems in their community or the media.
The tragic result of all these
combined factors is that a high percentage of US stepfamilies endure
significant stress in and among their related homes when partners and
co-parenting ex mates are approaching or in middle age. See this
example of a real stepfamily.
|
Stepfamily couples can minimize these stressors for all members by
committing to help each other progress on these essential
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Q24) I'm less
interested in nurturing a certain stepfamily relationship than s/he is, and
I feel guilty. What are my options?
Guilt is the normal response to believing you have broken an important
- a
must (not),
should (not), cannot, or have to. If you
feel guilty about not reciprocating interest in a family relationship, one
or more subselves that direct your
feel you're breaking some important rules, like..
"Family members
must like or love each other."
"It's rude (disrespectful) to reject another person's
interest and friendship, and I
must not
be rude."
"I
must not
hurt other people's feelings, so I
should pretend
interest even if I don't feel it."
"I
should always be
genuine, honest, and polite with other people."
"I
should make other
people happy, or I'm selfish and
bad."
"I
should always obey
the rules."
Rules like these are often
inherited in childhood, and unquestioned. They may not apply to your
stepfamily situation.
Options: affirm your
stepfamily
and your personal human rights. Then...
Make sure your true Self is guiding you. If not, see
Let these timeless
guide you
Review self-improvement Lesson 4
(about relationships).
Read
this article on reducing guilt
Identify what specific rules you (your subselves) feel you're breaking (e.g. those
above) by not returning the other person's interest. Then review
each rule to see if...
-
it fits stepfamily
realities, and that...
-
it's your rule, not someone
else's, like a childhood caregiver or authority.
Authorize yourself to update any
behavioral rules to fit your values as a unique adult, and re-vise the
"broken" rule/s as needed - e.g. "I
should
respect everyone in my stepfamily, and I don't
have to like or love them
even if that hurts their feelings."
Check
to see if you're in a
and/or relationship
with this person. If so, invite her or him to reduce it with you.
See if any of these
are contributing to the problem. If so, click on "More detail" in the
graphic and look for useful options.
If the other person is a stepchild,
study this.
If the other person is an ex mate,
see Q20 above
Tell
the other person that you're working to improve your half of your
relationship with them (if you are).
If you discount or defer
acting on options like these, suspect that a
controls you.
Q27) What do typical new stepfamily
members need to know?
A major cause of stepfamily stress and divorce is adults' lack of accurate
knowledge about their ancient type of family. To evolve a stable,
stepfamily,
they need to study
- ideally starting before courting co-parents commit and cohabit.
To gain motivation for this learning, partners and their supporters need to
know stepfamily
norms, myths,
and courtship
If studying all seven Lessons seems too hard, at
least learn about the [wounds +
unawareness]
and study and discuss
Reluctance to study these vital topics suggests significant psychological
wounds and unawareness.
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Q28) What if some
relatives
disapprove of a re/marriage and/or a new stepparent?
The relatives may see some major
problems that partners aren't aware of (or are denying), or the
relatives have psychological
and are unrealistically critical, pessimistic, and/or fearful.
To check out the first of these, courting partners should
for wounds and possible
like denial. Then they should heed Q27.
If partners find no valid reasons for the relative's disapproval, then they
should compassionately assess the critics for wounds,
and
These are symptoms of a low-nurturance family and inheriting the toxic
[wounds + unawareness] cycle.
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Q29) What if a divorced
parent's relatives want to keep an
active relationship with his or her ex mate and/or
their relatives?
If the ex mates and relatives are mutually respectful, then their staying
connected is a stepfamily asset. Otherwise, ongoing
and
conflicts are likely - specially if these people don't know and accept
stepfamily
and/or don't know how to
and
effectively.
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Q32) After re/marriage,
is there a best way to plan family events?
Yes. Well-planned gatherings are fruitful ways of "stepfamily-building."
Start by all family adults adopting a long-range view and committing to
create a
family together. Note that establishing and stabilizing stepfamily bonds
(relationships) usually takes four or more years from cohabiting and
commitment.
Next, family adults and supporters need to accept their identity a a stepfamily
learn and then discuss (at least) the topics in
Q27 above. That prepares you all
to tailor these options to fit your situation...
-
Consider evolving a consensual family
to guide and inspire you all across the years.
-
Invite all family adults and supporters to
at least scan this article on stepfamily
development with your living and future young people in mind.
-
Draw a stepfamily
to identify who is included in their multi-generational ("extended")
Note any people who don't want to be included in the stepfamily,
despite genetic and marital bonds and links;
-
Then (a) use the diagram to identify and
discuss any significant membership confusions or conflicts, and (b)
apply these options to reduce them.
-
Also use the genogram to identify any
significant
among various family adults and kids, and choose among these
options to reduce them over
time.
-
For more perspective, read and discuss these
articles on post-divorce
holidays and stepfamily weddings.
Use
the learnings from these options to decide whom to invite to various family
events and gatherings.
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34)
I'm confused about names and titles in our new stepfamily. Are there any
norms or guidelines?
Two of many
differences between typical
intact biofamilies and multi-home stepfamilies
are
over...
-
first and last
names ("Our
stepsisters are both named Anne," or "My son and your ex are both Roberto,");
and...
-
family
("Are you 'my stepmom,' or 'Donna,' or 'Dad's new wife'?")
A major mistake that some well-meaning
step-adults who deny or ignore their
stepfamily identity make is to expect everyone
to use biofamily name and title conventions ("We don't use 'step' here."
/
"No, Marie's not your step-grandmother, she's your Nana.")
Doing this promotes unrealistic (biofamily-based) expectations.
Options for avoiding and reducing
normal name-confusions:
Help all
your adults and kids accept
your
as a normal multi-home
stepfamily, and learn what that
Option: as a group exercise, have everyone
draw a map or
of your stepfamily, and use it
to clarify memberships, roles, relationships, and names. Expect some people to
others, and see what that feels
like...
Accept that
biofamily naming-conventions may not apply. Where there's confusion,
ask each person what they would
like to be called, rather than dictate a name. ("We'll call you 'Little
Jack.'"). If this creates conflicts,
to uncover who
really needs what - if your
are
your
Be
sensitive to how children may
feel if their Mom takes their stepfather's last name. Kids may feel
abandoned, victimized, confused about their identity, and resentful that their
Mom now has the same last name as their stepsiblings (if true).
If everyone's
pretending to be "just a (bio)family," kids feeling these things are apt to
privately feel "weird" and
guilty. Ask
them how they feel and what they need!
It's
usually better to
let role-titles evolve,
vs. someone dictating them. Each child and adult has their
own comfort level and preferences. Once again, ask. If some people
aren't sure, experiment over time, and check everyone's comfort levels.
If
name
and title conflicts occur, learn how to resolve
and
and relationship
and
teach your kids and
relatives how to resolve these common stressors.
Adults and kids with a strong
aversion to "step-" titles are often psychologically
and not finished
their
and
accepted their new step-realities. They may also misunderstand what a
stepfamily is.
Avoid
demanding that kids call a stepparent "Mom" or "Dad,"
or a step-senior "Grandma" or "Grandpa." They already
have a living or dead same-gender parent and grandparent, and this new
person is not an ancestor, no matter how warm and caring they are.
It can help
to say something like "your stepmom likes to do mothering (or nurturing
or caregiving) things for and with you." Help everyone stay
clear that "step parent / mother / brother / father / sister (etc)" describes a family
not the person who's chosen (or had to
accept) the role...
|
Be alert
for family members using
adjectives like real, natural, regular, and normal when discussing
biofamilies and stepfamilies ("My real father knows how to make shirred
eggs!"). These are inherently demeaning words which raise the odds your
members will feel privately and/or socially ashamed of who you all seem to be
(unreal, unnatural,
irregular, and
abnormal).
|
Stepfamilies are
just as real, natural, and normal as intact biofamilies. They have probably
been the global norm for millennia until recent social, medical, and dietary advances in the last two centuries!
Finally...
For
more perspective, read about
adopting stepkids
and this article.
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See
this
