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        This is one of over 150 articles focused on healing psychological wounds,  building high-nurturance family relationships, and preventing divorce. This introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to use its resources. Each article is part of a mosaic of ideas, so the more you read, the more sense they'll all make.

        These articles augment, vs. replace, other qualified professional help. The "/" in re/marriage and re/divorce notes that it may be a stepparent's first union. "Co-parents" means both bioparents, or any of the three or more related stepparents and bioparents co-managing a multi-home nuclear stepfamily. 

        Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this - what do you need?

        This non-profit educational Web site exists to help prevent widespread U.S. psychological and legal re/divorce. It offers practical information, suggestions, worksheets, and resources based on over 17,000 hours of professional stepfamily research with several thousand average Midwestern U.S. co-parents. These guidebooks, booklets (below), and Web articles aim to help co-parents and their supporters avoid five widespread hazards that promote stress and eventual re/divorce.

        16 original booklets and key Web site articles are now integrated and available as six guidebooks. This page provides links to six booklets that summarize parts of these guidebooks. Each booklet integrates several Web articles, which can be downloaded at no cost.

About Downloading...

        The simplest way to view these files is to download the ***.pdf version (if available). It requires the free Adobe "Acrobat" reader, which you can download from www.adobe.com. The other way to view the files is using Microsoft WORD or the free WORD-reader utility. The articles are written in Microsoft WORD v. 10 for Windows 2002. They are compressed as ***.exe files via the WinZip program. After downloading to a Windows directory of your choice, click the file name to expand it into the original WORD (***.doc) file in the same directory. You don't need WinZip for this.

        If you have WORD v. 8 and Windows 95 or later, you should be able to read these files. If you have earlier versions, you'll probably have to convert the files to fit your format. WORD has such converters built in (select the whole document, click "File" and "Save As," and scan the drop-down "file type" menu at the bottom). Check your web service provider (e.g. AOL, MSN, or Yahoo) for a software library, or see Microsoft's home page for free downloads of related file-conversion utilities.

        If you don't have WORD, you can download the Microsoft WORD Reader free from many online sites, including Microsoft's. This program reads, copies, and prints ***.doc files just like the full WORD word- processing program. The WORD Reader may be included on your hard disk from the factory or on your Windows installation CD.

        The ***.exe articles use the Arial true-type font, 11-point pitch, with 1" margins all around, except page 1 which has a top margin of 0.7". If your downloaded article-pages come out scrambled, change your page layout to use these parameters and the pages should line up.

        If your PC doesn't have the "Parade" font installed, articles' first-page headers and paragraph drop-caps may display or print wrong. Download "Parade.exe," and click to expand it. Then see Windows "Help" for how to add the font to your system.

        Some of the Web links referred to in the booklets are outdated. To convert them, see this.

        If you have trouble downloading readable files, please tell me. I welcome your constructive feedback on any aspect of the site and/or these articles. Feel free to copy and distribute the booklets, and quote or excerpt, with appropriate author and Break the Cycle! Web site credits*.

 Download Seven Booklets and a Course

• An introduction to your inner family of personality subselves.

• Comparing average stepfamilies to intact biofamilies - ~60 structural and dynamic differences

• 60 common stepfamily myths vs. typical realities; turn the former into realistic expectations! (Project 4).

• Effective re/marital problem solving:  Apply the five (Project 2) skills together to resolve many stepfamily conflicts.

• A re/marital tool-kit: 15 tools scattered among several Web pages

• Identify your stepfamily's strengths - a three-part worksheet

• Build an effective co-parent support group

• Re/marriage-prep Course: 8 re/marriage-preparation seminar modules for courting co-parents (Projects 1-7), and a Leader Guide. Includes a three-hour group role play to help 12 or more people experience forming a new stepfamily.

Note: the content of older booklets and Web-pages differs from current versions in three ways:

• Current Web pages and guidebooks refer to survivors of early-childhood neglect as " Grown Wounded Children (GWCs)." Older pages and booklets call them "Grown Deprived Children (GDCs)." Both mean what other authors call "Adult Children."

• Older materials describe 10 co-parent Projects, which have evolved to 12;

• Older articles describe 10 inner wounds. Current Web pages and printed materials reframe these as five symptoms of one wound: false-self dominance.

The main ideas and suggestions in these materials remain unchanged.

1) An Introduction to Your Inner Family of Personality Subselves (revised 11/04 - 15 pages). An overview of (a) the emerging reality that normal personalities are composed of semi-independent "parts," or "subselves, (b) true and false selves, and (c) typical subself traits. All 12 co-parent Projects in this divorce-prevention site and the related guidebooks are based on this keystone concept.

 Download  IF_intro.pdf  (172kb)

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2) Comparing Stepfamilies and Biofamilies: 60+ Differences. (revised 4/03 - 19 pages)

     One of the biggest sources of stress in average stepfamilies is that uninformed co-parents assume "a family is just a family." On one level, that's true. On another level, it couldn't be more wrong! Re/married co-parents can only form realistic goals and expectations about how to manage their complex, multi-home enterprise if they clearly understand how different it is. This booklet summarizes over 60 specific structural and task differences between these two kinds of normal families. How many of these differences can you name now? Are your stepfamily expectations reality-based or biofamily-based? See the next booklet. This booklet is included in the guidebook for co-parent Pojects 1-7, Stepfamily Courtship.

 Download  sf-vs-bf.exe  (120kb)

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3) What's Normal In a Typical Multi-home Stepfamily? Turn up to 60 common myths into realistic expectations (26 pages)

       Listening compassionately to hundreds of stressed co-parents from all walks of (Midwestern U.S.) life since 1981 - and my own experience as a stepfather, stepson, and stepbrother - has illuminated five dozen common misconceptions about how stepfamilies "ought to" work and "feel like." Such re/maritally-deadly myths sound like "I must love my stepchild/ren," and "I know (and accept that) you must put your (bio)kid/s first in our new family." These misconceptions are usually based on unawareness of (a) the 60+ differences between average multi-home stepfamilies and traditional intact biofamilies (booklet 1) and (b) what the differences mean.

      This booklet is in the form of a quiz. It presents 60 specific beliefs about re/marriage families, and asks "who in our stepfamily believes this now?" Then it summarizes the common step-realities for each belief. Read an on-line version of this article here, or...

 Download  myths.exe (117kb)

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4) Effective Re/marital Problem-solving (62 pages)

       Remarital "problems" are intra-home and inter-home situations that threaten the strength and health of re/wed mates' relationship. Because millions of typical U.S. stepfamily re/marriages ultimately break up emotionally or legally, the implication is that most re/wedded couples don't learn how to resolve their problems effectively enough. 

        The need for partners' effective conflict-resolution skill is higher in typical multi-home stepfamilies (vs. biofamilies), because there are many more people, more concurrent needs to fill, up to 15 alien stepfamily roles to clarify, and an unsteady stream of unexpected, confusing stressors - for years.

     This booklet offers a framework and a specific multi-step process that any dedicated couple can learn together to resolve most problems they encounter along their stepfamily way. It is excerpted from the Project-2 guidebook Satisfactions - 7 relationship skills you need to know.

        This article builds on seven powerful verbal communication skills which I've studied and taught professionally over 35 years: awareness, clear thinking, "digging down" to primary needs, "metatalk," (talking about communicating), empathic listening, assertion, and win-win problem solving. Putting these skills to work effectively as co-parenting teammates takes dedication, patience, risking, and willingness to change, over time. Showing your kids how to problem-solve effectively is as priceless a life-long gift as protecting them from re/divorce!

     The booklet starts with 13 conflict-resolution premises ("baselines"), defines and illustrates ineffective and effective problem-solving steps, and includes 22 specific success-building options, 73 specific verbal tools, 32 trouble-shooting tips, and a personal-needs inventory. This article is supplemented by several of the worksheets in the Remarital Toolkit below.

 Download problemsolve.exe (206k)

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5) A Re/marital Tool Kit - (84 pages)

       This is a collection of 16 self-assessment worksheets and inventories, and selected bibliographies. Most are available as individual Web pages - follow the links.

1) wound- assessment worksheet #1: 42 common personality traits (symptoms) of unrecovering Grown Wounded Children (GWC). Are you one? Is your partner? Your ex? (6 pages)	2) wound-assessment worksheet #2:  29 traits of a high-nurturance (healthy) family. Did you come from one? Most GWC co-parents don't. (6 pp.)	3) wound-assessment worksheet #3: 72 common traits of GWCs' ancestral family trees. Any clues in your - or your partner's, or ex-mate's - branches?  (5 pp.)
4) Checklist: Common Traits of Co-dependence. Starting with you and your partner, is anyone you know a relationship addict?  Unrecovering GWCs often are - and don't know it. (3 pp.)	5) Checklist: 3 vital pre-re/marriage questions: "Am I picking the right partners (plural, for the right reasons, at the right time?" (27 pp.)	6) Assess your current priorities  as a couple: Where does your primary relationship usually rank now - honestly? If it's not a solid second (behind personal health) with both of you - red light! (3 pp.)
7) Relationship-trait worksheet - a set of sentence completions to promote awareness and discussion. (3 pp.)	8) An inventory of current strengths and stressors in your primary relationship. (5 pp.)	9) An inventory of how you usually  handle interpersonal conflicts now - so you can affirm what works, and improve what doesn't! (5 pp.)
10) Checklist: 30 common behaviors that block effective verbal communication. Any sound familiar? (4 pp.)	11) Key attributes of a qualified stepfamily re/ marital counselor: they're hard to find, and well worth the search! (3 pp.)	12) Selected organizations, games, periodicals, and resources that can help you co-manage your stepfamily well together; (3 pp.)
13)  Selected readings on wounded adults and recovery, effective communication skills, and stepfamily realities and co-parenting skills; (3 pp.)	14) A summary of the 12 Projects that typical stepfamily co-parents need to master, over 4 or more years, for long-range success; (2 pp.)

 download toolkit.exe (391k)

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6) Inventory: Our Stepfamily's Strengths! Name and affirm your human assets. (32 pp.) 

       This is a fun one! Because building a successful multi-home stepfamily is bumpy, hard, confusing, long-term work, it's easy to lose sight of the very real positive qualities, abilities, and talents that each member and couple contribute to the whole three-generational group. It can be a wonderful recharge for adults and kids (in any family!) to gather periodically to identify, affirm, and celebrate everyone's strengths. 

       This detailed self-assessment worksheet provides a structure to do just that. It identifies dozens of specific strengths (a) in co-parents as people, and as couples; (b) strengths between related stepfamily homes; and (c) whole-stepfamily strengths. This document guides you in taking a thoughtful inventory of which human assets you have now, and which you can intentionally develop together, over time.

      Many of the strengths named are uniquely relevant to stepfamilies, and relate to co-parents' 12 Projects. Filling out this inventory quickly identifies missing strengths that need development to help resolve current stepfamily or household problems. Check it out together!

Download strengths.exe  (143K)

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7) Start and Maintain an Effective Co-parents' Support Group - Meet and exchange with others who understand! (38 pp.)

       I've often asked callers on the Stepfamily inFormation warm line "Do you know any other co-parents to talk with?" The usual answer is "No." Unlike biofamilies, a common aspect of stepfamily life for many members is a sense of isolation and alone-ness. Perhaps 80% of the people calling the Stepfamily inFormation "warm line" ask "Where's the nearest support group?" I usually must say - "I don't know of any near you." Conversely, a common reaction that co-parents have in my seven-week stepfamily course is "It is so good to be with others who understand!" and "Whew; I guess I'm not crazy after all!" Minor stepkids have a much higher chance of communing with step-peers (in school) than their co-parents do. 

       Dedicated co-parents can do a great service for themselves and their community by starting a support group for stepfamily co-parents. I've had experience with 15 such groups since 1981, including co-founding and leading a chapter of the Stepfamily Association of America (SAA). I've seen a variety of things that help them flourish - and that hinder them. This booklet distills my experience at...

• how to organize the first meeting,

• where to meet,

• how to advertise,

• what to expect,

• pitfalls to avoid,

• how to maintain your group,

• possible meeting focus topics, and...

• what to do next.

• Helpful resources are listed, including a number of lay-led stepfamily-class kits available. 

       About 20% of American families are living "in step," so there are probably a lot of people in your community struggling with co-parenthood. You don't have to do it all alone! 

  Download supportgroup.exe (177kb) (Microsoft WORD .doc file)
 
or supportgroup-pdf.exe) (449kb Adobe PDF file)

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