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This is one of over 150 articles focused on personal healing, building
family relationships,
and preventing divorce.
This
introduction describes the Web site's purpose and the best ways to
use its resources. Each article is part of a
mosaic of ideas, so the more
you read, the more sense they'll all make. These articles augment, vs.
replace, other
professional help.
Before continuing, reflect: why are you reading this -
what do you
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Chiseled over the
portal of the ancient Greek temple
at Delphi: GNOTHI SEAUTON -
“Know Thyself”
|
"Human beings have always employed an enormous amount
of clever devices for running away from themselves...
We can keep ourselves busy, fill our lives with so many diversions,
stuff our heads with so much knowledge, involve ourselves
with so many people and cover so much ground that we
never have time to probe the fearful and wonderful world within...
By
middle life, most of us are accomplished
from ourselves."
- John Gardner
Go
within, or go without - Neale Walsch, in Conversations with God
+ + +
Premise: most personal and
relationship problems occur for up to five reasons:
1) psychological
in one or more people involved (which can be reduced); plus...
2)
of several key topics (which can be corrected); plus for some people...
3)
(which can be completed).
and an "anti-grief" environment (which can be upgraded to
For
many couples, these three factors cause...
4) up to three unwise
If the couple forms or joins a
stepfamily, they often find...
5) little or no
informed help in the media or their
community
Do these factors make
sense to you? Do you think average adults could name and explain each
factor and what to do about them? My experience is: "No," which is why
this educational Web site exists. Reflect: if adults like you
can't explain and illustrate these ideas coherently, then their kids
can't learn them - so the five factors
the generations and spread in our culture...
The purpose
of this
article is to sharpen your
of some vital
beliefs or premises you hold which significantly affect your
relationships, serenity, personal effectiveness and achievements, your
an y kids in your life,
and your longevity.
This is not about what's right or wrong, it's about knowing yourself
accurately. The common alternative is unawareness, unrealistic
expectations,
and significant personal and social
and
The
articles this site are based on my learnings from
70 years'
life
experience as a child, man, brother, divorced husband, stepfather,
step-grandson, stepbrother, recovering
"ACoA" (Adult Child of an Alcoholic
family),
and
The articles are also based on learnings from...
17 years as an engineer (BSME), corporate manager, marketing rep, and professional
business trainer;
a Master's degree in Social Work (MSW),
and hundreds of hours of formal post-graduate training and study...
over 17,000 hours
of consulting as a professional family-systems therapist with more than 1,000 average
adults, couples, and some of
their kids since 1981.
The premises below underlie all the articles in
this educational Web site and the related guidebooks.
-
family functioning,
development, and nurturance levels;
-
human development
and personalities;
-
human and spiritual relationships,
-
bonding, grieving,
and family grieving policies; and...
-
effective thinking,
communication, and problem-solving.
All of these interact
with each other and form a mosaic of ideas that comprise what (I
believe) average adults need to know to live satisfying lives, raise
healthy kids, achieve their unique potentials - and to
break the pervasive, toxic
[wounds + unawareness]
.
|
I'm not suggesting that you
should believe what I do. I am
suggesting that you'll enjoy your life and relationships more and
accomplish more with them if you become
aware of your
basic beliefs on these and other key topics. Option - use this article to see how other key persons' premises
relate to yours. |
Preparation
To get the most from this article...
-
try this simple
-
choose an undistracted time and place, and the unbiased
curiosity of a
student.
-
allot at least 30" to reflect on
the premises below, and decide if you want to
or jot notes as you go. Then...
-
decide whether your
is
your
now. If so, you'll
get the most accurate (undistorted) results. See premise #1 below.
-
With each premise below, reflect on whether you Agree,
Disagree, or ? (something else). Take your time!
This non-profit,
divorce-prevention Web site and the related
guidebooks are
founded on the basic premises (beliefs) below. If you have significantly different
beliefs, the site's resources may be less useful to you.
Let's start with...
Premises about
Persons (You)
1)
THERE HAS
never been another person like
you in the history of the Earth. You have...
-
a unique
personality - i.e. a
combination
of
your many
talents, limitations, knowledge, beliefs, preferences, and
motivations. Your subselves and instincts cause you...
-
a unique, dynamic mix
of local and long-range
which (a) cause your emotions, thoughts, and goals, and (b) motivate
your habits and present-moment behaviors. And you have...
-
indisputable
rights
as a dignified, worthy person; including...
-
the right to respectfully
your primary needs in ways that best fit you now
Every other adult and child is equally worthy and unique, regardless of
wounds and unawarenesses.
(A D ?)
Premises About
Personalities, Subselves, Wounds, and Recovery
2) STARTING in (or before?) infancy, all normal kids, and adults (i.e. you)
evolve a unique
Evidence suggests that
normal (vs. pathological) personalities are composed of
semi-independent, interactive
like the uniquely-talented members of an orchestra or sports team.
One universal member can be called the
(capital "S"), who is innately talented at motivating, coordinating, and
the other subselves in calm and stressful situations. When one or more
other subselves distrust and
the Self, they become a
(A D ?)
3) False-self
dominance causes up to five
interactive psychological
ranging from mild to extreme. Recent
research suggests
that psychological
during early childhood
can significantly affect brain development and
functioning. This promotes false-self wounds, and long-term
psychological, social, and physical health problems and premature
death. (A D ?)
4)
True and false selves cause observable
behaviors in adults and kids. (A
D ?) See
this slide presentation on personalities
(like yours) or the text version
for more perspective.
5)
Once (a) aware of their false-self wounds and (b) weary-enough of
their painful
("hitting
any
can evolve and
work an effective way to (a)
their resident
true Self (capital "S") to
harmonize their other subselves (personality), reduce their wounds, and
improve key attitudes, priorities, and behaviors. (A D ?)
Family
in this site
and its related
are devoted to this vital process.
Premises About
Needs and Nurturing
6)
All infants, kids, and adults (i.e. you)
act to reduce current conscious and unconscious
(discomforts).
Much of our
human behavior is need-driven. The rest is
caused by primal instincts - automatic neurological and
hormonal responses like breathing, sleeping, laughing, urinating, and
digesting. (A D ?)
7) Anyone (like
you)
can learn to be more
aware of their
(a) current
and (b) options for satisfying them, at any time.
Typical non-impaired people who choose to not
and fill their own
needs are psychologically
and
habitually
(A D ?)
8)
You are
responsible for knowing
and filling (satisfying) your own needs, within any mental and physical
limitations. You
may
expect,
that others help fill your needs, but you are ultimately
responsible. You can choose which others to
help with their needs, how, when, and why.
(A D ?)
|
9)
Nurturing
means "filling
needs." Every infant and child has an innate set of
developmental needs. The adults who raised you and your childhood family can be
ranked between "very un-nurturing (dys-functional)" to "highly nurturing
(functional),"
depending on how well your and their needs got met.
This is also true of each of your caregivers'
ancestors and
their childhood
families. Families and groups where all
adults' and kids' primary (vs. surface) needs are
often filled well enough can be called
"high nurturance." (A D
?) |
Premises About Emotions
10) Healthy
infants, children, and adults constantly experience a
dynamic mix
of subtle to intense emotions in response to...
-
current sensory information (taste,
smell, sight, touch, hunger, thirst, sounds, etc.), and...
-
reactions to perceived
and expected environmental
changes. Emotions range from very pleasant (satisfaction, joy, ecstasy, love,
hope,...) to very unpleasant
(terror,
rage,
greed,
confusion,
anxiety, disgust,
hurt,
(A D ?)
11) Pleasant emotions (comfort, happiness, contentment) occur when primary needs are filled, and/or certain brain
areas are stimulated. Unpleasant emotions
always signal some current primary
needs aren't satisfied well enough. Because normal personalities are
composed of semi-independent subselves
(#1 above), infants, kids,
and adults can feel several
emotions at once - perhaps pleasant and unpleasant.
(A D
?)
12) Anyone (like you) can learn to
reverse the cultural myth that some emotions are negative, shameful, or bad,
and recognize that all
emotions are useful ("positive") by helping to identify, admit,
and fill unmet needs. (A
D ?)
Implication: judging some feelings or
emotions as negative suggests that a well-meaning
wants
to avoid responsibility for filling some primary needs. Any motivated person can
(a) develop and use
and
skills to
(a) identify their emotions
and (b) related primary needs, and (b) teach dependents and
others to do the same. (A D ?)
13)
Typical men and women unconsciously
re-create and seek the same level of nurturance (low to
high) in their relationships, homes, and
workplaces that they experienced as a young child.
Once
you're aware of this and accept full responsibility for filling
your primary needs, you (or anyone) can
improve (a) self-nurturance and (b) the nurturance-level of your environments over time.
(A D ?) Notice your reaction to this proposal...
More basic premises about persons...
14)
You (and we all) have
three "minds" - conscious, semi-conscious, and unconscious. "Unconscious" means "out of my
awareness." Your perceptions and reactions every moment are shaped by a
dynamic mix of body sensations and reactions in your three minds and primal
instincts. Your
minds (i.e. your per-sonality subselves) and body cells and glands interact with each other in complex ways you can't
under-stand, but
can often "sense" or "intuit." (A D ?)
15)
Every person
has the innate ability to sense spiritual guidance and comfort from a
(the?) Higher Power. This ability often manifests as a
personality subself which acts as a tireless liaison to your Higher
Self, your soul, and other spiritual mentors or powers.
Your
matures with age and experience, and wisely advises your Self and other
in important situations. Typical
(GWCs) can't hear or trust this priceless wisdom until hitting
and choosing personal
(A
D ?)
Premise 16)
People
who grow a habitual interest in
outside and
"inside" of them (thoughts, feelings, urges, "senses," dreams, patterns,
processes, sensations, intuitions, bodily pro-cesses, hunches...)
gradually learn to live
more self-directed, satisfying, productive, days and
nights.
people also seem more apt to spontaneously provide more empathic
nurturance to kids and other adults. People often ruled by false selves are
often too distracted by
and reacting to others' behaviors to
notice and understand what's going on "inside." That can
any day - specially after experiencing some form of personal
(A D ?)
17) At
any time, you (or anyone) can be judged to be
somewhere between
to
unhealthy.
Your degree of health will promote or hinder your developing your full potential as a
unique person
How well your basic developmental needs were met during your
early-childhood years has signif-icantly affected how harmonious or chaotic your personality
are, and who usually
Genetic factors
also affect this, in little-unknown ways. (A
D ?)
18)
Every child and adult (like
YOU) is uniquely
qualified to provide something of high worth to living things that no one
else can. Part of
is discovering what your true
is
("self actu-alizing")
and finding ways to manifest it. People usually
by their wise, resident
and a or the responsive, benign
seem to have the best chance to discover and manifest their life
purpose.
(A D ?)
Have you found yours yet? Do you know anyone who has?
Pause, breathe, and reflect - Do you agree with these premises
about persons? If not, are you clear on what you do believe? Do
you need a break before continuing with...
Premises About
Relationships and Relationship Problems
Study this, and then this.
Premises About
Bonding, Losses, and Grieving
Premise
19) Starting in infancy, wholistically-healthy people
unconsciously
form weak to strong attach-ments
with
other people and living things. We also attach to special things, places, sensory
experiences (music, tastes, movements,...) ideas, rituals, hopes, and fantasies.
(A D ?)
By
choice or chance, these attachments suddenly or slowly break. Our lives are
inevitably studded with these minor to massive
